I Might Have To Get Rid of My Cats

They are too loving.

Too sensitive. Too gentle. Too natural.

They put me in an extremely dangerous position.

In this country right now and, presumably, for a while to come, you have to be combative. Fists up. You gotta go to bed wearing brass knuckles, keeping a pistol tucked under your pillow, so that when that alarm goes off you are ready to draw blood.

My cats make me soft. They melt me. They bring out my humanity. Which lowers my defenses. Very dangerous in 2026 because the bubble is about to burst.

It feels good, it feels oh so fucking good to bask in the glow of pure love given and pure love received; it's what pets are all about. One of the finer joys a human can experience. You remember that feeling, right? Being human? Or have you crossed the line into pure hatred or abject fear? Many, if not most of us, have crossed the Rubicon, baby.

Dentists are reaping the benefits of teeth gnashing in the night.

The cats curl up in my lap every night - every night - both of them, making me so warm, so content, so loving. They sleep entwined so tightly that you don't know where one stops and the other begins. I love it.

But I'm not stupid. I sense my vulnerability like a flashing neon sign saying "Kill this man. Beat the shit out of him. He's a pantywaist!" Attracting my enemies like moths to a flame. Those who would kick down my door and drive ice picks into my eyes, for the crime of disagreeing with them. Laughing recklessly as blood drenches my cats. (Sorry for the visual - way over the top - but it makes my point perfectly).

So I watch violent movies to keep me tuned up. Ichi The Killer. A Serbian Film. Reality Killers. Squirming carefully in the recliner (can't disturb the cats), clenching and unclenching my fists, dreaming of knocking teeth down throats. I'm ready, baby - I am fucking ready.

This is not what I want. I'm a sensitive guy. Shit, I have survived so far by drenching everyone I meet in empathy. Even the dull and the ignorant. 

I want to be free to give love and receive love - that's what keeps us alive, you know. But it's not practical any more, and soon it will be illegal.

Oh for Christ sake - Patsy just jumped into my lap. She's looking up at me with her wide, innocent eyes full of love. Purring. Nudging her head into my hand saying "Please love me, please give me some attention." 

I'm melting.

Cue my obituary.

A Workable Philosophy

Matt (Boss): "I shouldn't have to explain this to you. You can't just go around being rude to people."

Tony (Employee): "You can, though. That's the beauty of it. There's no advantage to being nice and thoughtful and caring and having integrity. It's a disadvantage, if anything."

Matt: "Let's see. If you carry on like this, I might have to let you go."

Tony: "No you won't. You won't, that's what I'm saying, 'cause you're a nice bloke. So I'll take advantage of you, like everyone else does here. You'll warn me, I'll ignore it. You'll give me another warning. I'll ignore it. I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want. Eventually, you'll give up, and I'll win. 

The girls here have discovered that you won't even question 'women's problems'. Katie's had three periods this month. She likes Fridays off. You do nothing. She gets away with it 'cause she's an arsehole. So, I thought, right, let's have a bit of that."

Matt: "Why would you wanna to do that? Why wouldn't you just rather get better and be happy?"

Tony: "There's only one thing that'd make me better and happy, and that's Lisa being around, and that can't happen" (Lisa, his wife, died from cancer). So that's why I nearly killed myself straight away."

Matt: "Right, okay, but you didn't kill yourself, did you? So clearly, you know, something made you stop."

Tony: "The look on the dog's face. She was hungry, so I thought I'd better feed her. It gave me time to think 'I should be dead now'. I didn't care. So everything's a bonus. If I become an arsehole, and I do and say what the fuck I want for as long as I want, and then when it all gets too much, I can always kill myself. It's like a superpower."

From Season 1 Episode 1 of After Life, a show (2019-2022) from the mind of Ricky Gervais.

My ultimate goal now, as the grave beckons, is to strip away the lies and reveal my true essence to the world before it's too late. I think I've finally hit on it. Becoming an arsehole, doing and saying what the fuck I want for as long as I want, right to the bitter end, seems an enviable approach. Feels good to have a solid plan.

If you have a dark sense of humor grounded in what you believe to be the truth about life, contrary to what is generally accepted as the truth about life, you will love this show.

By the way, this is my second go-around on this show. I watched it originally when it first came out, I am re-watching it now. My perspective this time is deeper and different than the first time.

The first time I dug the dark humor and the humanity of the show. I'm getting that again, but combined with the contrast of a commitment to being nicer to Carol. A show about the death of a spouse hits harder at the age of 72.

I'm not happy at all, and Carol pays the price because I am a bit surly around the house. I have been focusing hard on being nice to her because she deserves it and the clock is ticking like a fucking time bomb. My depression should not compromise her happiness; that is just fucking wrong.

Many of the scenes this time are twisting my gut, provoking guilt in me, making me think, and firing up my determination to make Carol happy.

She has stuck with me for 48 years. Are you fucking kidding me?

The point is, After Life this time around is inspiring an intensity of sensitivity in my wee brain and my battered heart that is almost suffocating.

Learning in a crucible. That should stick with me.

Irony

 "At the end of life only irony will remain."

Great quote, don't you think? I like the sound of it. Think of it this way. One definition of irony is " a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result".

I'm wondering how many people, on their death beds, look back on their life with irony. When you're 25 you think your life is going to be "this". When you're 75 you realize it turned out to be "that" - not even close to what you imagined or wanted.

Now, I'm not sure you can find this amusing. I'm guessing most people shed a few tears before their last breath. But if you can die with a smile on your face it makes things easier on the undertaker - it's important to be considerate.

I got the quote from a movie called Parthenope. Parthenope is one of those movies that confuses you. As you move along there are many scenes, situations, and quotes that make you shudder - "oh my God", you think - "I just learned something meaningful. How can I apply this to my own life and make myself happy? And why does this movie make me feel so small, so ashamed of my own existence?"

When it ends, you are not sure if the movie is inspirational or pretentious. Still, I like the quote. There is already a mountain of irony buried in the detritus of my life. Not sure I'll be able to muster a smile when the time comes, but I'll give it a shot.

Gary Oldman plays a rich, jaded, drunk in the movie. His character is spectacular.

See Ya

I am royally bored. I need glamour.

I'm gonna become an art forger.

And I'm moving to Tierra del Fuego. I don't even know where the fuck that is, but I love the name.

Even Funnier in Retrospect

 Dennis Miller in 1999 looking ahead to the new millennium:

"And with the development of the internet, the world is getting smaller and smaller, which is great because when you think about it, what the third world really needs is not better housing, democracy, and access to medical care, it's being able to buy Gilligan's hat on ebay..................

So there you have it folks, the millennium - warring and whoring but never boring. Lot of good stuff, lot of bad stuff. We may have changed the way man lives but we have accomplished very little in the way he behaves. Hopefully, we'll do a little better on the next one. It's been slow going, but remember it took us forty million years just to develop a thumb, and no doubt it will take us another forty million to get it out of our ass."

In 2008 on virtual reality:

"Technology continues to grow by leaps and bounds. Scientists estimate by the end of the century via the means of virtual reality a man will be able to simulate making love to any woman he wants to through his television set. You know folks, the day an unemployed iron worker can lay in his BarcaLounger with a Fosters in one hand and his channel clicker in the other and fuck Claudia Schiffer for $19.95, it's gonna make crack look like Sanka."

An Old Man in a Cambridge Bar

Came across an old man in a funky bar in Cambridge, Massachusetts on a cold winter night a few years ago. Quite a few years ago.

Funky dude - long white hair, long white beard, battered but functional coat. Holding court in a booth, college kids lined up to ask him questions. When his dimpled beer mug was empty, it was quickly refilled by the next truth-seeker.

I stood back, sipping my whiskey, watching the parade, feeling cynical. An opportunistic old dude and a bunch of idealistic young dudes. But, what the hell - a Cambridge bar on a Friday night - seemed appropriate.

I managed to make myself invisible that night, allowing me to look around and form opinions unobserved. I decided if the old man was just running a scam, well, good for him - free booze is the holy grail in this harsh world. But maybe he actually had wisdom to share. You never know. Wisdom happens, if you hang around long enough. You may not feel it, but it is most likely there. If you are so inclined, share it, but selectively - most people just don't give a shit.

When it got quiet I grabbed two whiskeys and sat across from the barfly philosopher. We shot the shit a little, then I asked if he had any advice for me. He leaned back and took a minute or two to size me up. Kind of felt like all of my weaknesses were on display. Eventually, he looked directly into my eyes and said:

"You will be old before you know it, and you'll have more regrets than victories. You'll  become desperate for one last chance at defining yourself honestly, through deeds, not words. Don't let the fear of death paralyze you, and keep you from trying. If you don't try, you will just die, and no one will ever know who you really were."

Humiliation Lurks..........................

Keep your fists up, for Christ sake.

Do you think life is a fucking game?