Respect & Money

 So essentially I have locked myself into working for the "rest of my life" to support the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed (actually better).

The new joint will cost no more than the old joint - we are just substituting HOA fees for a mortgage payment, and taxes for taxes.

Although we will have no mortgage, we understand that valuations of mobile homes vary widely and it is entirely possible this home we are buying might be worth $85,000 less next year. We looked at the sales history of this place and it is all over the map in a relatively short time. We are buying at a time that realtors drool over - everything is up now, but who knows what reality will be if and when we decide to sell.

Then again we are almost 70 years old - where the fuck are we going to go from here?

Another consideration is Keith & Craig's obligations down the road. I always worried that if we could not escape this dungeon, and we died in a flaming car wreck involving my Hyundai and a circus van - they would have to sell this dump warts and all (good luck) and deal with the remaining balance on the fucking mortgage. We own the new place free & clear - all they gotta do is sell it and split the proceeds 50/50. Hopefully it will be easy enough to sell - it is pretty and peaceful. Besides, anything they get from the sale is gravy. When the time comes I hope it will ease their burdens considerably.

I have backed us into a corner through a lifetime of bad decisions and indecision and lack of initiative. We got an offer that we could not refuse - if we dicked around, we would no doubt lose this opportunity and get an offer that was $100K less. We found a place that we love - a place that comes with financial burdens we did not want to deal with. But we will. I will look so damn good in a McDonalds paper hat.

Shelly Winters played a character on Law & Order who killed her husband because she caught him cheating on her. She said "I gave him 25 years of my life and he threw it all away." That comment floored me. 

I feel that way about Carol. If I had achieved what I was capable of achieving, if I had performed at a professional level to match my "potential", her life would have been much easier, much more enjoyable, much more carefree. And she has given me forty five years.

I am happy to make this move. I truly am. It is the right move at the right time. I love the new place and this is a miracle bailout for us in this house. I am especially happy for Carol. She deserves this. Leaving here will be SO hard for her, but living in the new place will make her SO happy. She loves it. She loves it, she loves it, she loves it.

It will not allow me to retire. My fault. Nobody else's.

So now I am shooting for respect & money. I have not earned respect in 69 years and rightfully so - I aim to do it now. I have worked for chump change in 69 years - I aim to make enough money to make us secure - unafraid.

I accept the fact that I have to work, but it is a painful truth that I will have to live with.

Redemption comes with strings attached. There is no free lunch in heaven or in hell.

I will love living in the new place. It is beautiful. We will be happy there. Even the cats, after they get over the shock of the move.

Maybe, maybe, some day I will find a solution to my own shortcomings.

I hope that our new life will destroy my perception that Carol might feel like I have thrown away the last 45 years of her life. My deepest, darkest fear.

Redemption comes with strings attached.

What All This Means

 "I've been aware of the time going by, they say, in the end, it's the wink of an eye"

"ah, the lovers as they run through the night, leaving nothing but to choose off and fight, and tear at the world with all their might, while the ships bearing their dreams sail out of sight"

"Are you there? Say a prayer for the pretender, who started out so young and strong, only to surrender"

From The Pretender by Jackson Browne

That's pretty much where I was and still am to some extent. My life has flown by. It is a cliche because every human being experiences it, but you cruise along not giving a lot of thought to much of anything until you look up and you are 69. Sixty nine. Suddenly every clock is your enemy.

You have watched your dreams sail away. I never had specific dreams but I had a solid sense of who and where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I am not there. Not even close.

I was young and strong but had the young and strong beaten out of me. I surrendered.

And that's how I expected it all to end.

Instead I am going to have a grandson. I am going to be living in a beautiful home mortgage free. The sheer poetry of this new reality is staggering. 

At the specific moment when the dying embers of the life you wanted are about to be extinguished, a benevolent and unidentified spirit breathes life into a new and unexpected reality. 

One that brings with it unimaginable joy.

Let's Get Reacquainted

This is how my life has changed in recent history:

Carol and I found out we are going to be grandparents. Craig & Amanda are having a baby in March of 2024. Isn't that insane? We are so happy for them and so happy for us. Keith and Craig magically transformed our life in ways that kept our hearts full of love, our faces smiling, and our souls nourished, and they continue to do so. Craig & Amanda have no idea what to expect until it happens. Then their minds will be blown.

We had given up on that dream long ago and suddenly - the dream has become reality. A grandson. A grandson named Jackson Joseph Testa. I am blown away. We are blown away. Our life has suddenly become so much richer, magical - something we can only imagine, but something that will change our life exponentially and expand our emotional horizons beyond belief. We cannot wait.

We sold our house and bought a new joint. In less than a week. Never thought it would happen. Listed our place on a Wednesday, had a signed P&S on Saturday, and our offer on the new place was accepted on Tuesday. How the hell did that happen? I thought the price we listed the house at was $50K more than we would ever get. Instead we got $10K more than we asked for.

The new place is a double wide mobile home and it is beautiful. We are buying it outright - no mortgage. In a beautiful over 55 community that is meticulously maintained. Peaceful and quiet. I plan on starting a whiskey-lovers club and generally raising a ruckus.

We broke all our rules in buying the new place, because fate dictated. First of all we will never get another offer on our house to match this one so we had to take advantage. We wanted to move closer to civilization - we moved farther from civilization. We wanted to live in a co-op (owner owned community) - the new place is not that. We wanted low HOA fees - we got high HOA fees.

What's the lesson? You can't always get what you want. But you can get the tastiest parts of what you want, with a little luck. Don't sacrifice the good to chase the perfect. Words of wisdom.

We are moving on October 31 (hopefully not a bizarre omen) so we are officially in out-of-our-fucking-minds mode. Such a huge hassle, but the reward will be a new life in a beautiful place with a minimum of clutter. We are forced to downsize after living for 37 years in this house, which is good - we will be starting clean and mean.

I am looking to make a clean break - I have stepped up the job search because if I have to commute to this job after moving to the new place I will gouge out my eyes. On October 31 I want to be sitting in my new home with a new (hopefully remote) job. I need that. I want that. I have to fucking have it.

I am having knee replacement surgery in the future. My right knee has gotten out of control. Painful, unstable, and annoying. I have to wear a wrap all the time. Again. The surgery was scheduled for 10/17 but I postponed it after selling/buying the houses - too much frantic running around in October. So probably 2024. It will be good to be pain-free and mobile.

I recently told you that the next 10 years of my life are probably it. I'd be happy with 20 healthy years but I am not holding out hope. So, becoming a grandfather, selling this run-down home of 37 years and buying a beautiful new place, dumping the soul-sucking job - these are beautiful things, the stuff that dreams are made of. The reality of starting a whole new life at this stage of existence is deliciously insane. Lucky. Perfect. Meant to be.

I really don't have the words for it.

Learn to Differentiate

 If you are to successfully navigate the twisted path of life, you must learn to differentiate between the perception of being severely annoyed and only mildly annoyed.

Good Thoughts Bad Thoughts

 Good thoughts stack up in my brain and become bad thoughts.

What is the alchemy of that thought process?

Is This You?

 If you sigh more than you breathe, it's time for electroshock therapy.

Certainly One Approach

 There's nothing about my life that can't be cured through death & resurrection.