Carol and I watched a movie on Sunday called "Harvey. 1950. Jimmy Stewart.
About Elwood P. Dowd and his 6 foot 8 inch invisible rabbit named Harvey. Magnificent movie.
Carol has been pestering me to watch it for a long time. Typically I prefer movies with machetes and beheadings but I am really glad I watched Harvey.
One chunk of dialogue exploded my head.
Elwood P. Dowd talking:
"Harvey and I have things to do. We sit in the bars, have a drink or two and play the jukebox. Very soon the faces of the other people turn towards me and they smile. They say 'We don't know your name, mister, but you're a very nice fellow.' Harvey and I warm ourselves in these golden moments. We entered as strangers and soon we have friends. They come over. They sit with us. They drink with us. They talk to us. They tell us about the great big terrible things they have done and the great big wonderful things they're going to do. Their hopes, their regrets. Their loves, their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar. Then I introduce them to Harvey, and he's bigger and grander than anything they can offer me. When they leave, they leave impressed. The same people seldom come back, but that's envy, my dear. There's a little bit of envy in the best of us. That's too bad, isn't it?"
There is a lot of emotion, empathy and insight in those words. The line that cracked my skull was "nobody ever brings anything small into a bar."
How true. How perceptive. If you walk into a bar to kill your pain, it doesn't matter what the source of your pain is. A collection notice on an overdue bill, the fact that your house burned down, or you lost your job. Or you are just feeling down. Or your fucking back is killing you or your kids don't talk to you.
Whatever the reason, it is huge to you. Huge.
Such a delicious surprise, this movie. Sounds silly but it is far from that.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Wherever The Music Takes Me
For the past two weeks I have been listening on Sirius XM exclusively to the Sinatra channel and the Jazz channel.
I typically dabble in these channels but for some reason - right here and right now - they are captivating my mind and my emotions. That's what I love about music and, frankly, about my open minded approach to it - you never know what is going to give you peace. Make you smile. Make you cry. Make you think.
The Sinatra channel has blown me away with variety. I love a lot of what Sinatra did. I also have heard Tony Bennett, Rod Stewart, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Willie Nelson.
Billie Holiday, man. She alone blows my mind. If you don't know who she was, what her history is, check her out. The opportunity to hear her music is pretty fucking cool.
I dig the Jazz channel because I get to hear old school jazz, the names I am familiar with, and more recent musicians - people I don't know but who manipulate my emotions.
I dig musicians, man - I used to be one. Once a musician, always a musician. As I listen to what these people do - drum solos, trumpet solos, sax (fucking love sax), small groups, big bands - I am thrilled. The Allman Brothers were all about improvisation. Sense a connection?
I think improvisation in music is the ultimate statement of how much talent, emotion and empathy a musician has. And knowledge. You gotta know what you're doing to improvise. It is a direct translation of what you are feeling into musical expression.
I was smiling to myself last night on the way home from work. Smiling at the range of stuff that turns me on. Had Carol's car because my car has been cranky lately. She doesn't have Sirius. I listened to a classic rock station. They played a bunch of Metallica and I was rocking out. I fucking love Metallica.
Heard a song on Sinatra this week called All I Have To Have. Love song, all I have to have is you - you get the point. I loved one section that goes a little something like this:
"If there was no confetti, if there was no champagne, I would eat cold spaghetti standing in the rain."
Is that a good lyric? Or is it corny? I don't know. But I like it. It got to me.
Hal Linden sang the song. Hal Linden played Barney Miller on TV many years ago. Who knew?
OK. That's it. I am done.
I typically dabble in these channels but for some reason - right here and right now - they are captivating my mind and my emotions. That's what I love about music and, frankly, about my open minded approach to it - you never know what is going to give you peace. Make you smile. Make you cry. Make you think.
The Sinatra channel has blown me away with variety. I love a lot of what Sinatra did. I also have heard Tony Bennett, Rod Stewart, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Willie Nelson.
Billie Holiday, man. She alone blows my mind. If you don't know who she was, what her history is, check her out. The opportunity to hear her music is pretty fucking cool.
I dig the Jazz channel because I get to hear old school jazz, the names I am familiar with, and more recent musicians - people I don't know but who manipulate my emotions.
I dig musicians, man - I used to be one. Once a musician, always a musician. As I listen to what these people do - drum solos, trumpet solos, sax (fucking love sax), small groups, big bands - I am thrilled. The Allman Brothers were all about improvisation. Sense a connection?
I think improvisation in music is the ultimate statement of how much talent, emotion and empathy a musician has. And knowledge. You gotta know what you're doing to improvise. It is a direct translation of what you are feeling into musical expression.
I was smiling to myself last night on the way home from work. Smiling at the range of stuff that turns me on. Had Carol's car because my car has been cranky lately. She doesn't have Sirius. I listened to a classic rock station. They played a bunch of Metallica and I was rocking out. I fucking love Metallica.
Heard a song on Sinatra this week called All I Have To Have. Love song, all I have to have is you - you get the point. I loved one section that goes a little something like this:
"If there was no confetti, if there was no champagne, I would eat cold spaghetti standing in the rain."
Is that a good lyric? Or is it corny? I don't know. But I like it. It got to me.
Hal Linden sang the song. Hal Linden played Barney Miller on TV many years ago. Who knew?
OK. That's it. I am done.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Pets
Cori had to put Newman down. It got me thinking.
Newman was a part of my life too.
That is the magic of pets. They belong to a family and they belong to every family member and friend who is close to that family.
I am proud of the fact that my family is a pet family. It is a sign of sensitivity and a loving nature.
Carol and I have loved Onyx (our dog), Lokai and Max our cats, all of whom are now gone. I cannot accurately express how much it broke me to put these guys to sleep.
Now we have our two cats Maka, who we have had for 13 years, and Lakota, who we have had for 19 years.
These cats are the loves of my life. On Thursday and Friday mornings now I get up at 4:45. I don't have to do that, except for the fact that I need time for coffee and a book before I go to work.
Most of those mornings I have both cats in my lap. I look at them every single time, and a powerful feeling of contentment washes over me. Strong medicine at a difficult time for me.
My first pet was Sundance. Sundance was a neighborhood cat who used to come around late at night when I got home from a night of insanity with my friends, when I was still living with my parents. I named him Sundance and I loved him. I would sit outside petting and talking to him for as long as it took to soothe my tortured soul.
Keith and Emily had a cat named Liska. She got sick and had to be put down way too early. Broke my heart. I was cat sitting her once. I laid down on the futon, Liska climbed up on my belly and fell asleep. You can never take that memory and the emotions that accompany it away from me.
Keith now has Cooper (dog) and Jack (cat). I love them both. I cat sit Jack a lot and he makes me smile. A lot.
Cooper is hard to get close to. He is high strung. But when I look at his cute face and especially into his eyes, I see love. Especially when I see him and Keith together. I love their relationship.
Craig had a cat named Marley, courtesy of his girlfriend Karen. Marley got sick and had to be put down way too early. Broke my heart. Marley used to fetch things, like a dog does. Pretty cool.
Craig and Amanda now have Murray, a dog. Just got him recently. He is so goddamn cute and lovable it should be illegal.
I just name checked twelve pets that have touched my family. I love and have loved them all.
It broke my heart when Cori posted the news she had to put Newman down. Another chapter closed.
I am proud of my family. The fact that they have pets and the way that they love them is all I need to know about their sensitivity, their empathy, their open-hearted approach to life.
These are the qualities I treasure in people. I love all the pets and I LOVE my family.
Newman was a part of my life too.
That is the magic of pets. They belong to a family and they belong to every family member and friend who is close to that family.
I am proud of the fact that my family is a pet family. It is a sign of sensitivity and a loving nature.
Carol and I have loved Onyx (our dog), Lokai and Max our cats, all of whom are now gone. I cannot accurately express how much it broke me to put these guys to sleep.
Now we have our two cats Maka, who we have had for 13 years, and Lakota, who we have had for 19 years.
These cats are the loves of my life. On Thursday and Friday mornings now I get up at 4:45. I don't have to do that, except for the fact that I need time for coffee and a book before I go to work.
Most of those mornings I have both cats in my lap. I look at them every single time, and a powerful feeling of contentment washes over me. Strong medicine at a difficult time for me.
My first pet was Sundance. Sundance was a neighborhood cat who used to come around late at night when I got home from a night of insanity with my friends, when I was still living with my parents. I named him Sundance and I loved him. I would sit outside petting and talking to him for as long as it took to soothe my tortured soul.
Keith and Emily had a cat named Liska. She got sick and had to be put down way too early. Broke my heart. I was cat sitting her once. I laid down on the futon, Liska climbed up on my belly and fell asleep. You can never take that memory and the emotions that accompany it away from me.
Keith now has Cooper (dog) and Jack (cat). I love them both. I cat sit Jack a lot and he makes me smile. A lot.
Cooper is hard to get close to. He is high strung. But when I look at his cute face and especially into his eyes, I see love. Especially when I see him and Keith together. I love their relationship.
Craig had a cat named Marley, courtesy of his girlfriend Karen. Marley got sick and had to be put down way too early. Broke my heart. Marley used to fetch things, like a dog does. Pretty cool.
Craig and Amanda now have Murray, a dog. Just got him recently. He is so goddamn cute and lovable it should be illegal.
I just name checked twelve pets that have touched my family. I love and have loved them all.
It broke my heart when Cori posted the news she had to put Newman down. Another chapter closed.
I am proud of my family. The fact that they have pets and the way that they love them is all I need to know about their sensitivity, their empathy, their open-hearted approach to life.
These are the qualities I treasure in people. I love all the pets and I LOVE my family.
Life
Here's how life works.
Carol is being rewarded for living a life in sync with who she really is. Sucks that she was forced into part time work before she planned on it, but she has the entire month of October off and then goes back to work on 10/29, working a job that she likes from 10 to 2 every day for excellent pay.
She is happy.
I am being punished for living a life completely out of sync with who I really am. Working two part time jobs, working six days a week including Friday and Saturday nights. I am perpetually exhausted. There is no recovering from a schedule like that.
Life will not leave you alone. If you make mistakes, if you take your eye off the ball, you are not allowed to just keep your head down and slink quietly towards the grave. There is a price to pay. Life will crush you. It will taunt you. It will punish you.
Strangely, and in apparent contrast to my words, I am strangely numb to all this. I am not furious. I get up, I go to work, I come home. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Part of that is assuagement of guilt. Ever since Carol got sick I have felt guilt. She beat the shit out of cancer and kept working full time. While I would often work 2 days a week. I did not enjoy one day of "semi-retirement" after Carol got sick.
So at least right now I am pumping our coffers full of cash in self defense against aging and loss.
The voice in my head says "This needs to be leading towards something. I cannot keep this up for years and years." For perhaps the first time in my life I am thinking ahead.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
Anyway the message is - be careful of life. It is not your friend.
Carol is being rewarded for living a life in sync with who she really is. Sucks that she was forced into part time work before she planned on it, but she has the entire month of October off and then goes back to work on 10/29, working a job that she likes from 10 to 2 every day for excellent pay.
She is happy.
I am being punished for living a life completely out of sync with who I really am. Working two part time jobs, working six days a week including Friday and Saturday nights. I am perpetually exhausted. There is no recovering from a schedule like that.
Life will not leave you alone. If you make mistakes, if you take your eye off the ball, you are not allowed to just keep your head down and slink quietly towards the grave. There is a price to pay. Life will crush you. It will taunt you. It will punish you.
Strangely, and in apparent contrast to my words, I am strangely numb to all this. I am not furious. I get up, I go to work, I come home. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Part of that is assuagement of guilt. Ever since Carol got sick I have felt guilt. She beat the shit out of cancer and kept working full time. While I would often work 2 days a week. I did not enjoy one day of "semi-retirement" after Carol got sick.
So at least right now I am pumping our coffers full of cash in self defense against aging and loss.
The voice in my head says "This needs to be leading towards something. I cannot keep this up for years and years." For perhaps the first time in my life I am thinking ahead.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
Anyway the message is - be careful of life. It is not your friend.
Perspective
And Bob Cratchit excitedly says to his family on Christmas eve: "I'm to have the whole day off tomorrow."
I always thought that was such a sad situation. One day off from work and it was like a vacation to him.
I have always believed that everyone deserves a weekend. Going back to work after one day off is nothingness. Torture. Not fair. You NEED 2 days off in a row just to feel like a human being.
Of course the majority of Americans have been robbed of weekends. It is becoming a fanciful concept. A disappearing dream.
BUT
I am working my ass off right now. 6 days a week. Days and nights. But today.......due to the generosity of the City of Concord, I am home. Even though I am part time, even though I don't even work on Mondays, I get paid 4 hours for the Columbus Day holiday. They can't pay me overtime so I got today off with pay (my Wed hours being noon to 4:00).
I feel so relaxed today.
And last night I was excitedly thinking "I'm to have the whole day off tomorrow."
I always thought that was such a sad situation. One day off from work and it was like a vacation to him.
I have always believed that everyone deserves a weekend. Going back to work after one day off is nothingness. Torture. Not fair. You NEED 2 days off in a row just to feel like a human being.
Of course the majority of Americans have been robbed of weekends. It is becoming a fanciful concept. A disappearing dream.
BUT
I am working my ass off right now. 6 days a week. Days and nights. But today.......due to the generosity of the City of Concord, I am home. Even though I am part time, even though I don't even work on Mondays, I get paid 4 hours for the Columbus Day holiday. They can't pay me overtime so I got today off with pay (my Wed hours being noon to 4:00).
I feel so relaxed today.
And last night I was excitedly thinking "I'm to have the whole day off tomorrow."
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