On Aging

 "The older you get, the more baggage you have to carry, and the less you're able to lift it."

"Sometimes people reserve so much of themselves it's like saving a fine wine for an occasion that never materializes."

"If I do not speak my mind while I am able, well, death provides ample time for silence."

Anonymous

Age gives you perspective. Or it should. I am 71. When I say the words, when I look at the number, I am horrified. Seems surreal. Specifically because the time I have left is a fraction of the time I have spent. When I was 48 I feared turning fifty. Then it was 60. Then it was 70. Holy shit, this shit's gotta stop. Eradicating fear is a good place to start. Although 80 scares the hell out of me.

Right now I am "healthy", as far as I know. I mean, I dealt with skin cancer, I dealt with prostate cancer and came out on the winning side. Although the skin cancer thing is bizarre. I got so many spots and weirdnesses on my skin that weren't there 10 years ago, I look like a Jackson Pollock painting. So it's hard to feel confident, but I do the best that I can. And looking in the mirror is no picnic. I feel like somebody swapped out my body for that of the Pillsbury Dough boy - a senior Pillsbury Dough boy - it's pretty squishy. What the hell happened?

Right now I am not dealing with anything of substance. Although I have a colonoscopy coming up in 13 days which, of course, I am quite excited about. Haven't had one in 13 years. Who knows what's growing down there.

I do love the drugs, though. I've had a few of these puppies and I know when I wake up I'm going to feel just fine. It's the nicest high. You feel very good, quite mellow, but not LSD over the top type stuff. Just enough to make you believe that life is good.

When Carol drives me home she has to listen to me babble about how good I feel.

So I feel fine, all things considered. I am exercising hard and I feel very good about that, physically and mentally. In fact I feel better than I have in a long time. I lost a lot of weight, I'm getting around like a tiny bird. So I don't feel 71. But death can come calling any minute. My body is beat, battered and bruised. Shit, the whiskey I have consumed in the last 50 years should have killed me.

I feel good, but I'm still old. That's the rub. The baggage is piling up and definitely getting harder to lift. As far as reserving myself, I have done way too much of that and it is very possible the "occasion will never materialize." Nobody knows who I really am, including me. I don't speak my mind enough. So my body blows up like a hot air balloon, figuratively.

You can fool yourself when you're young, but you're a fool to do it when you're old. Death is a harsh reality and it's pretty permanent. Or so I'm told.

So I continue to navigate this life thing, but it gets trickier and scarier every day.

I'll be watching Djokovic/Alcaraz in an hour and a half - that will lift my spirits.