Love

Love.

Sometimes you don’t even know you have it.

Worse still, there are times when you know it and abuse it,

ignoring its fragility.

You can think it is wrong when it is right or think

it’s right when it’s wrong.

Your mind is not qualified to interpret love because you

don’t see things as they are, you see things as you are.

Love speaks to your soul, your spirit, your essence and

your heart.

When your defenses are down, when you are

being instead of acting, you will feel it, if you are lucky

enough to be loved.

And that’s when you need it the most.

Ida Santangelo

My aunt Ida died on Tuesday, August 23. She was my father's sister, her name originally was Ida Testa. Both my father and my aunt were born in Italy; my father was seven when he came to this country, my aunt a little younger. I have so much respect for them and for the whole family. My grandfather came over first, got a job as a tailor, eventually brought the rest of the family over. Two more kids were born in this country, Carmen and Lydia. Carmen and Lydia are still digging this world, my father passed away in 1999. Imagine moving to a foreign country where you don't even speak the language and making a life for yourself? Amazing stuff. Could you succeed in school when you didn't even speak the language?
I have a lot of impressions from last Friday, the day of the funeral. In the church at the end of the service a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote was read - it blew me away.
" To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of close friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
I know there are a million quotes like this in the world; I like this one because it seems to nail things down.
To laugh often and much - that's a basic one but it can be hard sometimes. It's hard to laugh when every day is a struggle to survive. I have to assume he is talking about genuine laughter, not diseased laughter or laughter at the expense of another. Laughing like children laugh. That is a worthy goal.
To win the respect of intelligent people - I like that one. Maybe sounds a bit elitist but really, who cares what an idiot thinks about you? If you concentrate on intelligent people it narrows the field considerably.
The affection of children - Kids, when they are young, are living, breathing bullshit detectors. If a kid likes you, you are doing OK.
To earn the appreciation of honest critics - There are a lot of people willing to criticize everything you do. Because that is how they validate their own existence. Small minds. Honest critics can help you see through the fog of self image. Valuable stuff.
Endure the betrayal of close friends - I have never experienced this but I have discovered people to be idiots who I thought were friends. This is probably more my fault than theirs.
To appreciate beauty - Every day, baby. You have to look around and breathe it all in. Every moment of beauty is a bullet you can use against the world's harshness.
To find the best in others - Most of us are not capable of being honest critics, so be gentle with others. We are all in this together.
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition - I love this beause it widens your perspective. You don't have to end racial discrimination to improve the world, you can do it in small and satisfying ways. However if you CAN end racial discrimination......................
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - I don't know how to take that one. It sounds simple and overwhelming at the same time. I would need to do the It's A Wonderful Life Thing to see if I qualify. I really hope I do.
I have a lot of impressions from that day. You can't get that close to death without thinking. And feeling. Another one that blew me away - as we pulled away from the funeral home in the funeral procession heading towards the church, there was a man standing on the curb watching us go by with an infant draped over his shoulder. Says it all, baby - says it all.
On a lighter note. We were deep in Massachusetts, in the noise and traffic and fast moving insanity of an overpopulated area. All the stuff we moved to NH to get away from. It took a while for the funeral directors to coordinate the movement of the procession out onto the street and towards the church because of traffic, which kept on getting backed up by a traffic light down the street. As we sat and waited, Carol turned to me and said "In all aspects of life AND death, everything is easier where we live." Words to live by.
RIP Ida. Your life is worthy of love and respect. And I absolutely know deep in my heart that right now you are sharing wine with my father and laughing your asses off. 

Hurricane Carol

Not much of a storm, at least for us. I know that a lot of people lost power, a number of people died, so I consider us lucky that we didn't really get hit. We got a ton of rain and some crazy wind but nothing really frightening.
We never lost our power, which blew me away. I noticed after moving to NH in 1986 that if I sneezed forcefully enough, the power would go out. This pissed me off endlessly because I am essentially a city boy and I am not accustomed to inconvenience. I don't miss Massachusetts at all, never want to go back but I also don't remember losing our power every other week in the winter. And we didn't have to dump water into the toilet to go to the bathroom if we did lose our power. So I took it for granted I would be reading by candlelight, but it never happened.
During the week I didn't take the hype too seriously; Carol did. I worry about stupid things, she worries about important things; it's a wonderful relationship. Her nervousness increased right along with all the media hype. She talked about the storm quite a bit and it was obvious that she was worried.
I didn't get nervous until Sunday morning when I got up and it appeared this thing was really going to happen. Started to get concern in my gut. I like to slide through life; I don't want to deal with inconvenient things like broken windows and falling trees and no electricity and jobs. But Sunday morning it felt like I was going to have to be an adult. Of course Carol had already done a lot to prepare on Saturday while I was working at The Booze Emporium. So on Sunday we moved some more stuff from the lawn, pulled the grill onto the screened in porch and did some other minor stuff. As we were doing this I noticed a strange sensation. I felt calm because I had Carol to share the burden of what was to come. Something about all the years we have been together, and the tremendous respect I have built up for her, along with the love she gives to me and inspires in me, changed my gut feelings from nervousness to confidence. This whole long term marriage thing just keeps on taking on new dimensions for me. And I like it.
The media. After it became apparent that the storm would not be as bad as predicted around here, I was entertained watching the local "newscasters" try to make more out of the situation than was necessary. Because in 2011 if there is no news, than the news has to be manufactured. Again, I am not belittling the people who did suffer at the hands of this storm, I am commenting on the way media works today.
They were calling local police chiefs and trying to whip up some panic. But this is NH; these people know how to handle tough weather AND they are short and to the point; not interested in elongating a five word answer into ten paragraphs. "Is the weather horrific in your town?" "Nope, a little rain, a little wind." "Are people jumping off of roofs and drowning in their front yards?" "Nope, but we did have to cancel Bingo." "How long do you think it will take your town to recover from this horrible disaster?" "About a day, unless Mrs.Grubers cows get loose, they can be crafty and hard to catch."
You get the point. I also enjoy the helpful hints they put out there. Like don't approach fallen power lines. I was actually preparing to go out in search of fallen power lines because I wanted to supercharge my nose hair trimmer, but Carol stopped me, saying "Look at the ticker at the bottom of the screen. They say it could be dangerous." The woman is always looking out for me, and the media makes it a little easier for her by offering up information the common man couldn't possibly know intuitively.
The situation also inspired efficiency in me. I cooked a delightful breakfast early, shaved so I could look pretty for The Booze Emporium today, and washed all the dishes. All in anticipation of losing our power. Which never happened. So the chores were done early, which made the day long, slow moving and kind of delicious.
So we got lucky and I am thankful for that. If we lost our power or had our picture window shattered I would be whining like a little baby right now. I would just like to point out that Carol semi-panicked and I pretty much kept my cool. And I ended up being right.
Still next time around I think I might go out and buy some batteries and water and canned food.
Just to keep Carol happy.

They Give Me Hope

Just read an article in Time magazine about veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan who come home to use their leadership skills to do positive things in this country. I gobbled it up.
So much of what I read about these vets concerns the horrible injuries they sustain, the psychological torture the war imprints on their brains, their struggles to rebuild a life in America. And rightfully so. Their sacrifices are way out of proportion to the justification of the mission. An American Idiot, George Bush, sent these people over there to fight, be injured and to die for reasons that are increasingly exposed as purely political and even completely unjustified.
I come from a generation that gets a bad rap for their opinion of the military, maybe justifiably. Viet Nam was a stupid war, and we protested vigorously against it. But Viet Nam vets were forced to pay the price when they got home; the treatment they received was shameful. They were not the problem; our politicians were the problem. I hate war but I deeply respect our warriors. They do what they do for the right reasons; because they love this country and feel compelled to protect it. They have more guts than I will ever have. I sat in front of the TV when they were drawing draft lottery numbers for the Viet Nam war and prayed I would get a high one. I was terrified. I don't think I was tough enough to deal with a situation like that and I am thankful I never had to.
What I dug about this article was the attitudes expressed by the vets. Their endeavors include doing handicapped-access projects for other veterans; sending elite teams to disaster areas to organize logistics; running an employment agency for veterans; running for public office; running a mentoring program for first-time criminals and much more.
Heavy duty quotes:
"The returning veterans are bringing skills that seem to be on the wane in American society...crisp decision making, rigor, optimism,entrepreneurial creativity, a larger sense of purpose and real patriotism (as opposed to self-righteous flag waving)." Dead on. This country is going soft and we are getting beat. I especially agree with the flag waving comment; so many people use phony patriotic rhetoric to hide their prejudices and hatred.
"We're a group that really wants to see America become a better place. We hate the divisive politics of the baby-boom generation. They're running the country into the ground." I am a baby-boomer and I am embarrassed by the childish display of politicians since President Obama was elected. It disgusts me.
"..conservative sense that is common to veterans: that American society has gone soft and is filled with whiners, an entitlement culture lacking a sense of individual accountability." I consider myself guilty as charged; I have a home, a most excellent family, a couple of part time jobs and my health. And I complain.
Talking about their opinion of politics, "they feel closer to one another than they do to either political party." They said it didn't matter to them whether a colleague ran as a Democrat or a republican; they would support them because they know they have the right leadership skills and their head and heart is in the right place.
As potential employees (paraphrasing) "there is no decision they would have to make harder than decisions they have already made; no amount of pressure to equal the pressure they've already experienced." You cannot possibly argue with that logic. We make our jobs so much harder than they have to be because we wallow in drama.
It must be such a shock to return to this country after laying your life on the line and be exposed to the stupidity, greed and selfishness that destroy us. People who sue McDonald's because their coffee was too hot. Politicians who put their own careers ahead of the future of this country. Wealthy Wall Streeters who put large salaries and huge bonuses ahead of the financial health of this country.
I loved the article because it gave me hope that there is a group out there with the right mentality to save this country. Or at least try to. People who are physically and mentally tough, people who feel they should earn what they get, people who see the need to make America strong in a global economy that is inter-dependent.
I have enormous respect for these veterans as I do for all veterans. But I think some of the older veterans have a sense of entitlement similar to what society exhibits. I work at a legion and I see it in some of the members. My sense is that younger vets do not feel that way. In the article one Iraq/Afghanistan vet is quoted as saying "You know, our generation of vets isn't really into joining organizations like the VFW or the Legion, but we do have a need to share our stories and experiences."
I love the fact that they are vocal about the problems they see and they they are direct in their criticisms. I respect their dedication to put in the work to make the changes this country needs. If the majority of our society felt that way this country could be amazing once again. But I think we have gone too far down the road of laziness, greed and political in-fighting to get us back on track.
One more quote: "It will be a phenomenal waste if 10 years from now, we turn out to be just another interest group, limiting ourselves to veterans' issues" - Michael Breen, VP of the Truman National Security Project, which has provided a home in the Democratic party for returning veterans with a desire for public service.
That quote to me represents an all encompassing point of view, one with the betterment of this country in mind. A desire and willingness to fight in this country as they fought overseas. Proudly with courage, intelligence and determination.
I hope this generation of Iraq and Afghanistan war vets has a huge impact on our society. We desperately need it.

Good Will Hunting (As I Hunt Myself Down)

Good Will Hunting. Unbelievable movie. There is so much more than meets the eye to that movie. I dig it every time I watch it. One of the scenes that always blows me away is with Affleck and Damon in the parking lot after getting done for the day working hard ass construction. They are standing there, leaning on the truck, having a beer. And a conversation.
Damon makes a comment about how his future is being a lab rat, doing all that math stuff. (A and D from now on). A tells him that might be right but "it's better than this shit. It's a way out of here." D gets into all the why do I wanna leave stuff, we'll be neighbors, have little kids, take them to Little League up at Foley Field stuff.
A replies "Look, you're my best friend so don't take this the wrong way, but, in 20 years, if you're still living here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fucking kill ya." And he continues " you owe it to me because tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit." "I mean you're sitting on a winning lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in. Cause I'd do fucking anything to have what you got."
Heavy duty. Because when I watch that scene it is me talking to me. Every time I see that scene it makes me shiver. The movie was made in 1997, I have seen it many times in those 14 years and I am still having that conversation. I have had that conversation in my head all my life. Always knowing I am on the wrong path professionally, always knowing I can do a lot better, always being too much of a pussy to cash it in. There are two me's. Actually I am a million different people from one day to the next but for all intents and purposes there are two me's. The one who is living this life and the one that knows I got something inside that would make me a lot happier if I could just tap into it.
I love the scene for it's intensity and honesty; two friends being right up front with each other. That intensity is inside my head and sometimes fuels my insanity. The last time I watched that scene I reacted a little differently because I am working hard to make changes this year and I feel like I am doing the right things so I won't be working construction when I am 50. It used to depress me to identify with that scene. Suddenly it acts more as a motivator. It's a good conversation to watch and a good one to have with myself from time to time. Keep me inspired towards change.
It occurred to me recently that with all my ranting about my part time jobs I might come across as thinking I am something special. I do not think that way. I think all jobs are noble, one type of work is not above or better than another, and I never judge people by the work they do.Anybody holding down a job deserves respect because it is hard physically, emotionally and mentally. Except high level corporate types; they are sharks and I just can't respect them. My opinion is just that I am doing the wrong things; if I make use of whatever talents and abilities I have I will be happier, regardless of whether or not I get rich.
By the way, that scene with Affleck and Damon is revealing in another way. Watch how they hold their beers. Damon holds it like a man. Affleck has his pinky extended like a little girlie. Now you might argue that is acting, character affectation. I don't think so. I think that is indicative of their true personalities. christ just look at the movies they have been in since GWH. I think Damon is more down to earth and Affleck has become more the Hollywood type and I think the extended pinkie was an early indicator.
Just thought you should know.

One More Time

One more parting shot at dreaded winter (unless I change my mind). We are paupers, so we keep the thermostat set at 68 degrees. 68 degrees is not warm. 72 degrees is warm and that is where the thermostat should be set. We cannot afford to do that because the oil prices are so goddamn high and our incomes are so goddamn low. So not only am I uncomfortable outside in the harsh reality that is New England winter, I am also uncomfortable in my own home. I usually wear four long sleeve t-shirts, a heavy flannel shirt, a heavy duty PATS sweatshirt and a long winter coat with a double lining, and extra heavy sweatpants over my  thermal trap door underwear as I sit in my recliner.
Sometimes I'll open a window for an hour or so, just so it actually feels warm in the house when I close the window. When we entertain, I fill the ice cube trays and set them on the kitchen table to freeze. Usually takes about 15 minutes and is actually quite handy.
Just thought you should know.

rush limbaugh and his Triple Double Oreo

I collect phrases and words. When I hear something that strikes me, I write it down for later inspiration.
Brilliant idiots. I don't remember where I heard it or maybe read it but I liked the sound of it and knew I could use it. republican politicians and right wing talking heads fit the bill. They are america's brilliant idiots.
rush limbaugh recently made nasty racial comments tying President Obama and his wife to the brand new Oreo cookie - the Triple Double Oreo. This is a cookie with three wafers and both chocolate and vanilla creme filling to separate them. This is a brilliant innovation and one I cannot wait to stuff into my already over sized belly. You would thing a fat bastard like rush would be in ecstasy looking forward to his first five package binge of the new Oreo delicacy, assuming he hasn't already experienced it. But being the intellectual visionary that he is, he took his joy one step further by turning it into a diseased political statement. He called it a "biracial cookie" and said "it wouldn't be long before it's called the Or-Bam-eo, or something like it."
He also suggested that the creation of this cookie is some sort of bizarre backlash to Michelle Obama's focus on healthy eating.
Comments like that should enrage even his listeners but they don't; there is no backlash because there is an audience for comments like that. Which tells you everything you need to know about america.
In 2007, CBSNEWS.com disabled comments on stories about Barack Obama because so many of them were vilely racist. That was before he was even elected. The website explained they don't typically edit negative comments, but that  the volume and persistence of racist comments directed towards the future President made this decision unavoidable.
Glenn Beck called President Obama a "racist, with deep seated hatred for white people or white culture."
Pat Buchanan in a recent discussion with Al Sharpton on MSNBC called President Obama "your boy", which enraged Sharpton who responded "he's nobody's boy, he's your president and he's our president, and that is what you all are going to get through your head."
A woman in NY came a cross a five dollar bill with "let's keep the white house white" stamped on it.
Senator Harry Reid, during the presidential campaign, said Obama as a black candidate could be successful in part due to his "light skinned appearance", and speaking patterns "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."
If I had the time I could dig up 100,00 more racist comments indicating the mood and mentality of this country. Now that President Obama has been at it for a while I think it is even worse, because everybody wants to blame him for every thing that is wrong with this country; they want to see him fail because he is black.
republicans and right wing talking heads are brilliant idiots because they use racial hatred to fan the flames. Sometimes subtly, sometimes openly, always stupidly and dangerously, they appeal to this cancer of american society in an attempt to incite people against the President and to condemn him to one term in office. His republican opponents openly admit they want to make him a one term president, which they focus on, instead of the issues that are eating up and destroying the middle class and america itself. They are brilliant at manipulation, although I hesitate to use that word because their approach is vile. They are idiots because they cannot see how dangerous it is to play games with racial hatred; a lot of people died in the sixties because of racially motivated violence.
President Barack Obama is in a dangerous position because of all the issues facing him in this country. Middle class americans are getting royally screwed; screwed out of retirement, out of jobs, out of the value of their homes, out of any kind of a comfortable future in their declining years. And they are afraid and angry and feeling helpless. republicans use these emotions to manipulate opinion against the President; it is difficult to think clearly when you are afraid, when you are emotional. President Obama has not been tough enough, he has been bullied by republicans and he has been overwhelmed with the enormous issues facing him. But his intelligence makes him our best option. He can succeed with the right support.
My biggest fear is that racial hatred will defeat his re-election bid. I don't even understand how he got elected initially; I never believed this country was enlightened enough to elect a black president. If republicans slither into the White House there is no future for this country.
If the voting public was intelligent and unbiased, President Obama would get every single vote cast. Only a pure idiot could vote for the garbage republicans are putting out there. Only a moron could consider people like Romney and Perry and Bachmann as viable candidates.
But this is america. A country whose people wallow in hatred, violence and stupidity.
Some people say that blaming criticism of President Obama on racism is too easy, that there is more to it. I say bullshit. The people of this country can't stand the fact that their President is black and they can't wait to see him defeated. And there are a lot of people who would like to see him assassinated. These people disgust me in ways I cannot even describe.
President Obama cannot eradicate racism in this country, the people in america are not smart enough for that. But he can get re-elected by showing strong leadership and solving some of the huge issues facing him. Maybe. I'm banking that if people realize he is doing the things that will protect them and bring more stability to their lives, they can overlook their hatred, (not solve it, just overlook it) long enough to do what is right for america.
In the meantime I hope Rush Limbaugh chokes on a Triple Double Oreo on camera and on mike, and that as he gasps for air with a red face and jiggling belly, people see him for the immoral buffoon that he is.