I had a need for darkness Thursday night. A need for evil.
This comes over me from time to time and I like to indulge it.
Carol was stumping for President Obama so I turned down the lights and lit up the tube with a movie called Dolan's Cadillac.
Christian Slater was in it so I figured it was good.
Speaking of dark, have you ever seen True Romance starring Slater and Patricia Arquette and Gary Oldman and Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper? Amazing lineup.
Amazingly dark, evil, violent, twisted and quite tasty movie. One of my all time favorites.
I don't like cheesy horror movies. I like horror movies with an ominous mood, a good story, violence and revenge.
Dolan's Cadillac started out kind of thin and I thought I had made a mistake but it got thicker and I ended up totally digging it.
It fed the blackness in my soul.
A guy seeks revenge from a Vegas mobster who killed his wife. Slater is the mobster. Wes Bentley is the guy. Wes Bentley played Ricky Fitts in American Beauty and brought that same intenseness, that understated (until the end) oddness and focus to Dolan's Cadillac.
I won't give you a blow by blow, but I will tell you that revenge was had and it was original, and dark, and evil and it tasted so damn good.
If you want to see the movie don't read the next sentence.
All I can say is that if you are going to be buried alive, it might as well be in a Cadillac.
I am in a Halloween mood this year. Some years I really need it.
IFC usually runs a bunch of horror movies leading into that magical night. I don't know if they still do but I aim to find out.
I used to watch IFC and Sundance all the time. They were very cool, very original. They got away from that and I got away from them.
I'll have to give them another shot.
Anyway the horror movies featured on IFC are typically those of renowned foreign film makers, so they are probably not something you have seen before. They are frequently quite gory too, which I don't look for in a movie but on Halloween I can dig it.
I'll watch as many of them as I can and hope some of the horror and viciousness and revenge and evil seeps into my soul.
Not too much. Just enough to give me the weapons I need to fight back against life.
I like to turn down the lights and light up the candles and sip a little whiskey. Slip into another dimension.
Horror story idea: A guy really wants to get into Halloween. He is feeling off balance, out of place, a little lost and frustrated with his life. He figures if he throws himself into the holiday he can lose himself for a while and come out cleansed.
He's searching the house for cool costume props. Checking out the severed hands and heads he has collected over the years. The bloody rubber knives. The grotesque masks.
He breaks out tubes of fake blood and experiments with application to different body areas for effect.
He plays Nick Cave's delicious album called Murder Ballads over and over in the dark.
Nothing works. Nothing he tries gives him exactly the vibe he is looking for.
By candlelight, he catches his reflection in a mirror as he reaches for a rubber machete. A dirty, smudged, cracked mirror.
And he stops dead in his tracks.
He sees a fifty eight year old man. An underachiever. A man with squandered potential who nevertheless keeps fighting back and pumping fists in the air. A man filled with fear. Fear of The Mortgage Vampire. Fear of The Grim Reaper. A bewildered man who can't quite shed the beer belly, who can't quite reach the rung of success, who just can't quite. Who screams silently in repulsed horror at his own existence. A man who hears a clock ticking relentlessly and loudly in his brain. So much so that it drives him to madness.
He realizes he has found the perfect costume. Truly horrifying. One that will not be uncomfortable like a rubber mask because he wears it every day.
He straightens up, drops the rubber machete, and grins into the mirror. A twisted, lopsided grin that arranges the creases on his face in a pattern he has not seen before. A pattern so unnatural it gives his face the appearance of a death mask contorted in unbearable pain. His mouth looks to be split in two; part evil smile, part twitching grimace.
And the eyes.
The look in those eyes would send any kid screaming for his momma. Any adult as well.
Poisoned reflection of anger, frustration, disbelief and a thirst for revenge. Vengeance personified. Focused in a stare that could kill a bull moose in its tracks.
Or a frail human.
He shakes his long hair like a lion's mane and begins to laugh.
The laugh slowly transforms into a scream. A scream from which his cats flee. A scream that shatters the mirror and any illusions about his life he may have had.
Yeah he is ready for Halloween.
He has been all his life.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Sununu Is Scum
I almost vomited as I ate lunch after returning from a scintillating dentist visit.
Watching Andrea Mitchell interview John Sununu about last night's debate.
He said: "What the people saw last night, I think, was a President that revealed his incompetence, How lazy and detached he is, and how he has absolutely no idea how serious the economic problems of the country are, and how he has failed to even begin to address them."
Mitchell was visibly shocked and repulsed, and told Sununu she was going to give him a chance to take it back and asked him if he really intended to call President Obama lazy.
Sununu replied: "Yes, he didn't want to prepare for this debate. He's lazy and disengaged."
John Sununu is a fat jowled, privileged piece of sh**.
Lazy is a code word used to mask racist attitudes. Whites have been calling blacks lazy since the first time they slapped chains on them and forced them to do the white man's bidding.
Above and beyond that, Sununu shows no respect for the office of the President of The United States and the man who holds it. Because President Barack Obama is black.
Sununu is a campaign co-chair (whatever that means) and a top Romney advisor. In other words this is a guy Romney allows to speak for him.
He has previously been quoted as saying: "The President clearly demonstrated that he has absolutely no idea how the American economy functions. The men and women all over America who have worked hard to build these businesses, their businesses, from the ground up, is how our economy became the envy of the world - it is the American way. I wish this president would learn how to be an American."
republicans privately applaud comments like this and publicly avoid criticizing the idiots who make them.
Romney, jerk off that he is, is running for the office of President of The United States.
And he is comfortable with a top advisor making racist comments and incendiary "Obama is not an American" comments.
If you can't see the racist, vile, destructive, vicious, stupidity of Romney and his entire campaign than it is a miracle to me that you can even feed and clothe yourself.
If you see it and choose to ignore it than you are no better than a common cockroach.
Watching Andrea Mitchell interview John Sununu about last night's debate.
He said: "What the people saw last night, I think, was a President that revealed his incompetence, How lazy and detached he is, and how he has absolutely no idea how serious the economic problems of the country are, and how he has failed to even begin to address them."
Mitchell was visibly shocked and repulsed, and told Sununu she was going to give him a chance to take it back and asked him if he really intended to call President Obama lazy.
Sununu replied: "Yes, he didn't want to prepare for this debate. He's lazy and disengaged."
John Sununu is a fat jowled, privileged piece of sh**.
Lazy is a code word used to mask racist attitudes. Whites have been calling blacks lazy since the first time they slapped chains on them and forced them to do the white man's bidding.
Above and beyond that, Sununu shows no respect for the office of the President of The United States and the man who holds it. Because President Barack Obama is black.
Sununu is a campaign co-chair (whatever that means) and a top Romney advisor. In other words this is a guy Romney allows to speak for him.
He has previously been quoted as saying: "The President clearly demonstrated that he has absolutely no idea how the American economy functions. The men and women all over America who have worked hard to build these businesses, their businesses, from the ground up, is how our economy became the envy of the world - it is the American way. I wish this president would learn how to be an American."
republicans privately applaud comments like this and publicly avoid criticizing the idiots who make them.
Romney, jerk off that he is, is running for the office of President of The United States.
And he is comfortable with a top advisor making racist comments and incendiary "Obama is not an American" comments.
If you can't see the racist, vile, destructive, vicious, stupidity of Romney and his entire campaign than it is a miracle to me that you can even feed and clothe yourself.
If you see it and choose to ignore it than you are no better than a common cockroach.
Debate #1
I am bitterly disappointed in President Barack Obama today.
I am uncomfortable, off balance and confused. There is a hideous sinking feeling in my heart that President Obama could actually lose this election.
I was literally uncomfortable sitting in my recliner watching the debate last night. President Obama was off his game. He was hesitant, he stammered, he was not forceful. He had no presence on that stage.
Romney was on the attack. He was smooth, articulate and unstoppable.
When it was over I expected President Obama to call a press conference and say "I just tip my hat and call Mitt Romney my daddy."
A lot of claims were made during the debate. I just went through an analysis of those claims on a website called FactCheck.org, and to be honest they made the point that both candidates stretched the truth or exaggerated certain points.
This disappoints me as well because I respect President Obama's intelligence and his integrity. I think his comments came from a position of discomfort; he looked uncomfortable on that stage, I do not think he was in control and I think he got carried away. I think he was defensive.
I never in a million years thought Romney could do that to him.
If you care about this election - and it could very well be the most important presidential election this country has ever faced - you will go through FactCheck.org and compare exaggerations.
If you don't care about this election and Romney wins, I hope you enjoy losing your house and your job and living under the rule of a president who will decimate this country and destroy the middle class.
My impression, and I am devotedly partisan I admit, is that the exaggerations Romney made were huge and centered on emotional issues that he knows frightened Americans will gobble up.
Suggesting that a government board will dictate treatments to the sick, claiming that the deficit has doubled under President Obama, exaggerating reduction of middle-class income under President Obama, inflating the number of unemployed people and the number of people who will "lose" their health insurance under The Affordable Care Act, exaggerating the number of jobless college graduates, and lying about the effect of the 716 billion dollar expense cuts President Obama instituted in Medicare.
Romney's performance was the perfect illustration of the republican party's willingness to lie, to exaggerate, and to manipulate hot emotional issues to sway voters.
The facts are irrelevant.
My deepest disappointment came from President Obama's unwillingness to fight.
He is an honorable man and a smart one. He doesn't want to roll around in the mud.
You cannot succeed in America with honor and intelligence. You have to fight like a pig, you have to be comfortable lying, you have to cheat, you have to attack.
As John Lennon said you have to learn to "smile as you kill."
These are the rules we have adopted in this country.
American voters are too stupid and too lazy to investigate facts. They want a reality TV President.
When President Obama first took office and had a Democratic majority in the House and the Senate, he should have bullied his way to a new political reality.
He didn't. He didn't fight.
In 2010 republicans gained a majority in the House and they have defied the President on strictly partisan grounds ever since.
In the remaining debates President Obama has to get in Romney's face, challenge him, accuse him, expose his lies, pin him down like a f***ing butterfly on a board.
Romney "won" the debate last night as the reality TV candidate.
President Obama has to forget about honor and get in there and fight. Doesn't matter what he says, doesn't matter if he out and out lies; what matters is the image he projects. If he punched Romney in the face he would probably pick up 50% of republican votes.
Romney looked like a winner last night because he had swagger. President Obama looked like a loser last night because he hesitated.
Anybody with a brain in their head knows that Romney is a fool and President Obama is a genius.
I am worried about the vice presidential debate now. Because Biden is an emotional and an honorable guy who often shoots from the hip. Ryan is a cold, calculating liar with no sense of morality who will say or do anything to shred Joe Biden.
If Ryan comes out looking like a winner, President Obama will have a lot to overcome in his next debate.
President Obama has consistently taken the higher ground in an attempt to raise the ethical and intellectual level of politics in America.
That is a waste of time because politicians represent the ultimate evolution of greed, immorality, viciousness and stupidity given birth by the American way of life.
The President has to get mean and get comfortable exposing Romney for the fool and the hypocrite that he is.
The President plays by the rules. republicans do not.
President Barack Obama has to realize there are no rules when you are competing against people who will look directly into the eyes of desperate Americans and lie to them, tell them anything they want to hear in order to get elected. People who, after taking office, will turn their backs on those desperate Americans and leave them to fend for themselves in an economy that those elected officials and their wealthy supporters have stacked in their own favor. And who have never even tried to hide that fact because they count on American stupidity.
H.L. Mencken: "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."
In the next debate President Obama has to kick Mitt Romney in the balls.
I am uncomfortable, off balance and confused. There is a hideous sinking feeling in my heart that President Obama could actually lose this election.
I was literally uncomfortable sitting in my recliner watching the debate last night. President Obama was off his game. He was hesitant, he stammered, he was not forceful. He had no presence on that stage.
Romney was on the attack. He was smooth, articulate and unstoppable.
When it was over I expected President Obama to call a press conference and say "I just tip my hat and call Mitt Romney my daddy."
A lot of claims were made during the debate. I just went through an analysis of those claims on a website called FactCheck.org, and to be honest they made the point that both candidates stretched the truth or exaggerated certain points.
This disappoints me as well because I respect President Obama's intelligence and his integrity. I think his comments came from a position of discomfort; he looked uncomfortable on that stage, I do not think he was in control and I think he got carried away. I think he was defensive.
I never in a million years thought Romney could do that to him.
If you care about this election - and it could very well be the most important presidential election this country has ever faced - you will go through FactCheck.org and compare exaggerations.
If you don't care about this election and Romney wins, I hope you enjoy losing your house and your job and living under the rule of a president who will decimate this country and destroy the middle class.
My impression, and I am devotedly partisan I admit, is that the exaggerations Romney made were huge and centered on emotional issues that he knows frightened Americans will gobble up.
Suggesting that a government board will dictate treatments to the sick, claiming that the deficit has doubled under President Obama, exaggerating reduction of middle-class income under President Obama, inflating the number of unemployed people and the number of people who will "lose" their health insurance under The Affordable Care Act, exaggerating the number of jobless college graduates, and lying about the effect of the 716 billion dollar expense cuts President Obama instituted in Medicare.
Romney's performance was the perfect illustration of the republican party's willingness to lie, to exaggerate, and to manipulate hot emotional issues to sway voters.
The facts are irrelevant.
My deepest disappointment came from President Obama's unwillingness to fight.
He is an honorable man and a smart one. He doesn't want to roll around in the mud.
You cannot succeed in America with honor and intelligence. You have to fight like a pig, you have to be comfortable lying, you have to cheat, you have to attack.
As John Lennon said you have to learn to "smile as you kill."
These are the rules we have adopted in this country.
American voters are too stupid and too lazy to investigate facts. They want a reality TV President.
When President Obama first took office and had a Democratic majority in the House and the Senate, he should have bullied his way to a new political reality.
He didn't. He didn't fight.
In 2010 republicans gained a majority in the House and they have defied the President on strictly partisan grounds ever since.
In the remaining debates President Obama has to get in Romney's face, challenge him, accuse him, expose his lies, pin him down like a f***ing butterfly on a board.
Romney "won" the debate last night as the reality TV candidate.
President Obama has to forget about honor and get in there and fight. Doesn't matter what he says, doesn't matter if he out and out lies; what matters is the image he projects. If he punched Romney in the face he would probably pick up 50% of republican votes.
Romney looked like a winner last night because he had swagger. President Obama looked like a loser last night because he hesitated.
Anybody with a brain in their head knows that Romney is a fool and President Obama is a genius.
I am worried about the vice presidential debate now. Because Biden is an emotional and an honorable guy who often shoots from the hip. Ryan is a cold, calculating liar with no sense of morality who will say or do anything to shred Joe Biden.
If Ryan comes out looking like a winner, President Obama will have a lot to overcome in his next debate.
President Obama has consistently taken the higher ground in an attempt to raise the ethical and intellectual level of politics in America.
That is a waste of time because politicians represent the ultimate evolution of greed, immorality, viciousness and stupidity given birth by the American way of life.
The President has to get mean and get comfortable exposing Romney for the fool and the hypocrite that he is.
The President plays by the rules. republicans do not.
President Barack Obama has to realize there are no rules when you are competing against people who will look directly into the eyes of desperate Americans and lie to them, tell them anything they want to hear in order to get elected. People who, after taking office, will turn their backs on those desperate Americans and leave them to fend for themselves in an economy that those elected officials and their wealthy supporters have stacked in their own favor. And who have never even tried to hide that fact because they count on American stupidity.
H.L. Mencken: "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."
In the next debate President Obama has to kick Mitt Romney in the balls.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Last Thing I Remember
I was excited for the opportunity to vote early. I had strong opinions on the direction this country should take and strong convictions about which man could handle it. I was wearing my Obama button.
I was greeted by a shady looking guy with four days growth of beard, a ripped leather jacket, neck tattoos, wearing rings on four fingers. He led me away from the designated entrance saying "The voting location has been changed."
Walked me into a shaky looking warehouse and pointed me towards a booth.
As I uncertainly walked across the floor, some boards gave way and I tumbled to a broken back.
The last thing I remember seeing as I twisted through the fall was the Believe In America slogan on the back of the leather jacket as he walked away laughing.
I was greeted by a shady looking guy with four days growth of beard, a ripped leather jacket, neck tattoos, wearing rings on four fingers. He led me away from the designated entrance saying "The voting location has been changed."
Walked me into a shaky looking warehouse and pointed me towards a booth.
As I uncertainly walked across the floor, some boards gave way and I tumbled to a broken back.
The last thing I remember seeing as I twisted through the fall was the Believe In America slogan on the back of the leather jacket as he walked away laughing.
Calender Time
I am right in the heart of calender time and the decision weighs heavy this year.
Every year I choose a calender for the writing room that reflects some aspect of my character that is meaningful to me.
To be honest, most of the time I run out at the last minute feeling pressured to make the right choice.
In 2012 I chose an SPCA calender and I have been satisfied and disappointed. Every month I flip the page and look into the eyes of precious and innocent animals and it soothes me.
But there has been prejudice. Only two out of the twelve months feature cats. The dogs are awesome, I love them and they love me. But I have not been inspired by enough cats. The last cat photo was June and there are no more for the rest of the year.
I am tempted to buy a cat calender for 2013 but that seems redundant.
By the way I forgot to introduce you to the October line up of dogs. Barkley, Molly, Bella and Ringo. Super cute. I have a friend with a dog named Ringo. I don't know if he would be pleased or challenged to know there is another one out there. I held Ringo in my arms when he was a tiny puppy. He licked my face and was oh so goddamn cute. Very cool.
2011 and 2012 have been intense for me. Intense with trying. I have sucked it up in a way I thought had been lost to me. I firmly committed to exercising and did so consistently and with wild abandon. Lost weight.
Wrote and wrote and wrote. Trying to write myself a new life.
Worked on the brain and the psyche and the philosophy.
Dove into cooking with ferocity. I cook 99% of our meals and I love it.
I carried much more of the load in the world of the mundane - cleaning the kitty litter box, washing the dishes, emptying the trash, making trips to the dump, food shopping.
I have partially accepted our temporary poverty and have tried to save money whenever possible. Thank God Crown Royal is often on sale. I even use coupons when I food shop and if you know me you know how improbable that is.
I wear a seat belt and floss my teeth.
In short I have re-engaged with life.
I have sagged from time to time. I just came out of a one month period punctuated by lack of enthusiasm.
But I am back in a big way. Back to getting up an hour earlier than I have to on some days (like today) so I can make damn sure I have time to write, exercise, shower, wash the dishes and love the cats.
For the third year in a row I am looking to the new year for the breakthrough. I am jazzed and expectant and hopeful and confident. I want to crash into next year like a ten pin bowling ball rolling unstoppably down the lane.
So the calender choice is crucial.
This time I REALLY need it to mean something to me. I need it to radiate an aura of success. An aura of power to fight back the evil ones who deter me. An aura of self actualization to guide me back to my soul.
Today is October 3, 2012. I have time. And I will give this a lot of thought. It seriously means a lot to me. I need something staring me in the face that will give me the inspiration to keep on fighting.
I will keep you posted because I know you will not get a minute's sleep until I make my decision.
2-0-1-3.
Bring it on, baby.
Every year I choose a calender for the writing room that reflects some aspect of my character that is meaningful to me.
To be honest, most of the time I run out at the last minute feeling pressured to make the right choice.
In 2012 I chose an SPCA calender and I have been satisfied and disappointed. Every month I flip the page and look into the eyes of precious and innocent animals and it soothes me.
But there has been prejudice. Only two out of the twelve months feature cats. The dogs are awesome, I love them and they love me. But I have not been inspired by enough cats. The last cat photo was June and there are no more for the rest of the year.
I am tempted to buy a cat calender for 2013 but that seems redundant.
By the way I forgot to introduce you to the October line up of dogs. Barkley, Molly, Bella and Ringo. Super cute. I have a friend with a dog named Ringo. I don't know if he would be pleased or challenged to know there is another one out there. I held Ringo in my arms when he was a tiny puppy. He licked my face and was oh so goddamn cute. Very cool.
2011 and 2012 have been intense for me. Intense with trying. I have sucked it up in a way I thought had been lost to me. I firmly committed to exercising and did so consistently and with wild abandon. Lost weight.
Wrote and wrote and wrote. Trying to write myself a new life.
Worked on the brain and the psyche and the philosophy.
Dove into cooking with ferocity. I cook 99% of our meals and I love it.
I carried much more of the load in the world of the mundane - cleaning the kitty litter box, washing the dishes, emptying the trash, making trips to the dump, food shopping.
I have partially accepted our temporary poverty and have tried to save money whenever possible. Thank God Crown Royal is often on sale. I even use coupons when I food shop and if you know me you know how improbable that is.
I wear a seat belt and floss my teeth.
In short I have re-engaged with life.
I have sagged from time to time. I just came out of a one month period punctuated by lack of enthusiasm.
But I am back in a big way. Back to getting up an hour earlier than I have to on some days (like today) so I can make damn sure I have time to write, exercise, shower, wash the dishes and love the cats.
For the third year in a row I am looking to the new year for the breakthrough. I am jazzed and expectant and hopeful and confident. I want to crash into next year like a ten pin bowling ball rolling unstoppably down the lane.
So the calender choice is crucial.
This time I REALLY need it to mean something to me. I need it to radiate an aura of success. An aura of power to fight back the evil ones who deter me. An aura of self actualization to guide me back to my soul.
Today is October 3, 2012. I have time. And I will give this a lot of thought. It seriously means a lot to me. I need something staring me in the face that will give me the inspiration to keep on fighting.
I will keep you posted because I know you will not get a minute's sleep until I make my decision.
2-0-1-3.
Bring it on, baby.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Today..............And Tomorrow
It is dark, almost completely dark on an early October night. I can see the sky through the trees just outside my window. I can see my own reflection in the window. Imitation John Lennon glasses, hoop ear ring that I only wear at home, flannel shirt, creases in my neck fifty eight years in the making.
It has been a peaceful day, one of accomplishment. Exercised, wrote a lot, submitted some writing to two locations. Try to make some progress. Try to jump start a new life.
Didn't have to work today. That's good. Didn't have to deal with the poison, the lies, the agendas and the pettiness.
I feel comfortable going downstairs to watch a movie. Limitless. A thriller starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro. Not my typical choice but tonight I am in the mood.
Carol will be home around 9:30. We'll drift into our rest of the night comfort. Peace.
Tomorrow morning I'll put the brass knuckles back on.
It has been a peaceful day, one of accomplishment. Exercised, wrote a lot, submitted some writing to two locations. Try to make some progress. Try to jump start a new life.
Didn't have to work today. That's good. Didn't have to deal with the poison, the lies, the agendas and the pettiness.
I feel comfortable going downstairs to watch a movie. Limitless. A thriller starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro. Not my typical choice but tonight I am in the mood.
Carol will be home around 9:30. We'll drift into our rest of the night comfort. Peace.
Tomorrow morning I'll put the brass knuckles back on.
My Family
My family. Pretty amazing group of people. It has been extended by the women my sons have brought into the fold. Magical, mystical ladies. 1980 - Son #1. 1983 - Son #2.
Grandkids? Don't know. Not my decision.
Amazing thing, family is. You create them and hope not to destroy them with your own shortcomings.
I am happy with the way things are, the choices that have been made, the lives being lived.
They are on my walls for now and in my heart forever.
Grandkids? Don't know. Not my decision.
Amazing thing, family is. You create them and hope not to destroy them with your own shortcomings.
I am happy with the way things are, the choices that have been made, the lives being lived.
They are on my walls for now and in my heart forever.
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