Hello/Goodbye

"I was much further out than you thought/And not waving but drowning."

Stevie Smith

Birds

It appears birds will play an important role in my spring/summer rejuvenation.

They are calling out to me. Woke up this morning to birds chirping in the yard. Delightful.

Walked out of the dentist office (the motherfucking dentist) later this morning to silence. And one, lone bird chirping in a nearby tree. I stood still and listened. Love that sound.

Beautiful.

Birds are a big part of the comfort of warm weather and the beauty of living things in bloom.

I never used to notice birds much because I live largely, almost completely, in my head. Change came around many years ago largely through Carol. Most of the "nice" changes in my life come about through her influence. Otherwise I am a dark soul indeed.

We used to sit out by her garden, in the sun, listening to the fountain and digging on the birds. She would point them out to me and attempt to impart her birdly knowledge into my brain. I do tend to resist learning though.

As far as I'm concerned every tree is a mighty redwood. Every bird is an eagle. I really don't care to learn subtle (?) distinctions. I just dig shit for what it is.

By the way, great story. Many years ago when I was working a second shift job, I got myself stoned before going into work. VERY stoned. I sat outside for a while talking to a tree. I am not lying about this.

Anyway, my body is stirring. Beginning to come alive after another long winter of just being fucking cold.

I am not stupid, though. I don't expect to be comfortable or close to it for at least another month. But I know it is close. I know I will once again be able to assume my true personality.

This is all long overdue. Because of Carol's brain surgery, 2017 bled into 2019. I don't remember much about last summer because I don't think we did much. In fact all of 2018 is just a blur to me.

But here we go. Gonna get warm, gonna get me an improved mood, gonna squeeze a little extra enjoyment out of this warm weather. Live a little.

Me and the birds are gonna get along fine. We will help each other along and communicate and appreciate in a natural and fulfilling way.

Looking forward to it.

Without Apology

Love this paragraph.

"The sun entered the tomb of Lazarus. His putrid corpse lay in grey grave-clothes in a slime-pool of foul decay that drizzled from the shelf of rock. The face protruding from the grave-clothes was grossly bloated and black. Greasy slippages of the skin marked the holes in his cheeks and forehead where fat, white maggot-worms fed, squirming in the holes they had eaten into him. These fat, white worms also filled one of his eye sockets and churned a thick, pus-like substance that foamed in the open sore that had been his mouth."

Sleep well.

From "Under Tiberius", Nick Tosches

My New Hero

Ben Powers senior offensive guard for the Oklahoma Sooners, soon to be in the NFL.

When asked what motivates him he said: "I love taking a grown man's dreams and crushing them."

Fucking beautiful.

There Must Be Something There, Right?

I buy all my books used on Amazon from book re-sellers.

I am not proud of this, but I am fighting valiantly to keep Carol and I from sinking to the eating cat food level of subsistence (we are very close).

I buy so many books from them that they call me once a week and ask "Need any books today Joe? We love you."

In truth I have fallen into the rhythm of buying one book a week and trying to hold the purchase to $5 (so $10/paycheck). That way I keep the pipeline open without breaking the bank.

Never know what cool surprises you will find with used books. Many have notes inscribed in them from people who originally gave the book as a gift. My favorite was a note from a son to a dad wishing him a happy birthday with a note that said something like "Hope this year is much better than last year; hopefully the best of your life."

Felt like dad had a tough year, maybe health wise, maybe financially, who knows, but I found it cool that his son gave the book as a gift and a birthday card. It was a paperback but I bet the dad felt it was worth $100,000.

I have found receipts, shopping lists, notes written on pieces of paper, notations in the margins. Very cool.

Ex-library books get to me the most. I am not sure why this is. I react on a gut level, an emotional level that I can't really articulate.

I am reading Elvis Costello's autobiography "Unfaithful Music & Disappearing Ink." It came from the Bruce County Public Library on 1234 MacKenzie Road, Ontario, Canada.

I hate the idea of libraries getting rid of books. I think all books should be held eternally. Just keep adding wings onto the building. But of course I don't mind being the beneficiary of this disrespect to books.

The dust jacket is always taped to the book when they come from a library, for obvious reasons. I like this. When you remove the dust jacket it erases the books external identity. I get to look at Elvis Costello's face on the front and back of the dust cover every time I pick it up. Stunning.

Here is my theory on why ex-library books get to me. The single most enjoyable thing I do is reading books. And that activity has its roots in libraries. It's where I got my start.

The Winthrop Library. I could walk down there, grab me a book to feed my soul, and go home and sit out on the second floor porch in spring and summer and read in complete peace and beauty and comfort. I did that a lot. A LOT.

In shitty, cold weather I must have read in my room but I have no memories of that. The porch was everything.

I cannot read a book with the TV on or conversation going on or music playing. I need silence. I can read magazines under those conditions but not books.

That might have come from my childhood too. It was quiet on the porch. Not a lot of traffic, not a lot of people.

I guess when something means everything to you, anything that connects back to the origins of that love will trigger emotions.

It never fails. Happens every time. And I don't end up with a lot of ex-library books so it is always a special treat.

So there you go.

Occasionally I Am Delusional

Had a dentist appointment this morning.

I was feeling quite motivated early on so I decided I would get a haircut this afternoon.

But it never happened.

What the hell was I thinking? Sometimes I think I'm somebody else.

When I got back from Dr. Teeth I locked all the doors, pulled down the shades and unplugged the phone. Christ, man - I do not need to deal with another human being today.

Long hair suits me.

Heavy, Heavy Words (100% true)

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

Jesus, Gospel of Thomas