The Next Thought

I am handcuffed by my inability to have the next thought.

I have talked to friends who play guitar; I ask them when they started playing. Many say "Right after I first saw The Beatles on TV. I went out as soon as I could afford one and bought the cheapest guitar I could find."

The next thought. They made a connection. They thought "I can do that too."

Not me.

Many of those people, most of those people, just ended up playing guitar and not becoming rock stars. But is that such a bad thing? The inspiration brought something into their lives that gives them beauty and peace and a sense of accomplishment.

I have read the words of so many people who, at some point in their lives, thought "This is what I want to do with my life." After seeing someone, hearing someone, meeting someone - they all had a moment in their lives that inspired them to pursue a specific course.

The most important thing you can do with your life is to pursue a specific course. It gives your life meaning, it leads you on to other things that fulfill you. Wandering aimlessly is the worst thing you can do with your life.

Because life is not a passive bystander; life has fangs and your neck is vulnerable.

I never had the next thought. But my proximity to death is leading me in that direction. I am trying to find a way.

I can write. That's it. 

I am trying to lay groundwork to make money as a copywriter, as a starting point. I fucked up the first time. I didn't read any of the many things that were provided for me to help me understand how copywriting works. I just jumped right in because "I am a writer" - I can write anything.

I was humbled.

Round 2 - I am working my way through all the guidance and hints provided by another copywriting website. I submitted a test submission yesterday. I will see where this leads.

This is a short term goal, if a 68 year old man can even have a short term goal. To make some money from copywriting. More satisfying plans include publishing my blog in segments and earning money from creative writing.

The thought is: I am a writer. The next thought is: I can use my ability to save my life.

That's it. Pretty simple. But daunting.

I got nothing to lose, baby.

Like A Sword Swallower's Sword

 "I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn't taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallower's sword and made me feel powerful and godlike."

From The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath

Realness

 "Realness eats raw meat

and does not waver

nor drift on currents.

He has the staying power

of the sun.

Realness walks only in his

own shoes."

A poem, by Spoon Jackson

This is a poetic way of confirming my opinion that life is a motherfucker. That it will punch you in the face every chance it gets. Spoon Jackson said it better.

On Days When I Don't Have to Work (In Summer)

I come downstairs and throw open the French doors leading to the screened-in porch.

The cats immediately go outside - they love it out there.

I brew up a cup of coffee, hit the recliner, and open my book.

From time to time I glance out towards the porch. The morning sun is at an artistic angle and beautifully illuminates the green that surrounds us. The quiet exudes peace, which settles me, centers me in the truth.

The scene surrounds me, it pleases me; the beauty nourishes my soul to the point I feel I can live 100 more years.

The power of the moment is not lost on me.

Words

As I read Where the Crawdads Sing, I come across beauty.

The author describes leaves falling from a tree, and I am paraphrasing, as if they are dancing in the breeze, making the most of their only chance to soar.

Beautiful.

Reading

I am moving too fast for you guys.

You can't keep up.

I started reading Where the Crawdads Sing this week. Carol and I saw the movie last week. You ask "If you saw the movie, why are you reading the book?"

Draw closer and listen intently: The book is always better than the movie. To make the movie you have to leave things out. The book gives you everything.

Sidepoint: The book was lent to me by Flo, a 79 year old woman I work with in the box office. She is an absolute sweetheart. We connect on many things, but especially about books. It's odd, but all the books, except one, that I have read recently have been gifts from my family, or this one that was entrusted to me to enjoy. Too cool for school, baby.

I am not disappointed. The book is magnificent. It creates a mood and allows the reader to exist there. This is what I live for. My emotional reaction harkens back to two books I recently read that I neglected to tell you about.

Beartown and Us Against You. Both written by Fredrik Backman.

These books are set in Sweden and deal with two towns obsessed with hockey.

Who gives a fuck. Right? I do.

This man did not just tell a story. He created fictional characters that live and breathe. I knew these people, and I felt their pain, and insecurities, and triumphs and tragedies. I felt this. My emotions went up and down with those of the characters, I rooted for some and against others.

Backman created a mood and allowed me to exist there.

I am quite fond of a writer known as James Lee Burke. You may not be aware of that. I read his Robicheaux books for the setting, and for the two main characters - Dave Robicheaux and Clete Purcel.

Robicheaux is a recovering alcoholic and former homicide detective in the New Orleans police department, who now works for the Iberia Parish Sheriff's office in Louisiana. He is a rugged guy, who gets beatings and gives beatings, and maintains high ethical standards. He is also emotionally vulnerable.

Clete Purcel is a larger than life guy who got kicked off the New Orleans police department because he breaks every rule. He is a heavy drinker and generally insane guy who now makes a living as a PI, an enforcer for bail bondsmen, and whatever else he has to do to survive. He still breaks every rule.

They are close friends and solve cases together, coming at solutions from decidedly different angles.

I love these stories because these two guys are not who I am, but who I wish I was.

With Beartown, and Us Against Them, the characters are real. I could be them.

This is the most satisfying level of reading for me. When my emotions are inflamed and humanity is revealed for what it is - fragile and unpredictable.

Shit, man - reading - it's what I do.

It's All In The Seeking

 "To a drinker the sensation is real and pure and akin to something spiritual: you seek; in the bottle, you find."

Caroline Knapp