Ok look - all you good Christians out there, I need you to identify for me The Patron Saint of Football Pools. I need to pray to him immediately or bribe him or handcuff him to the furnace in my basement; I need that son of a bitch on my side. I am getting killed.
I literally spend hours during the week watching football, watching football programs on both ESPN and the NFL network, reading Peter King on line and reviewing his weekly picks and those of the Inside The NFL crew on Showtime. Then I confidently make my picks. I have had two - TWO - horrendous weeks out of six and those two weeks have destroyed me.
I have won this pool twice, BACK TO BACK. I am legendary. Pool participants seek me out, beg for my autograph, ask my advice. At least they used to. This year they fart in my general direction.
There are eleven people in the pool and I am in ninth place, ELEVEN points out of first. That's roughly equivalent to being in 333rd place, five yards from the end of the Boston Marathon. It ain't pretty.
The entertaining part of all this is that I take it so seriously. I hate to lose. I checked yesterday's results a few minutes ago and found that I am in last place for Week 6. I was furious. How can I put so much effort into this, with a lifetime of football knowledge lodged in my tiny brain and still be getting my ass royally kicked?
I figured it out. It's a conspiracy. NFL teams, my fellow pool participants, and jesus himself are working together to destroy me. They monitor my picks and adjust accordingly. How else can you explain this? Me sucking at football picks is exactly equivalent to Albert Einstein not being able to understand the theory of relativity.
But this is 2011. The Year of The Joe. I am not giving up. I just quit my job, and read a scientific journal explaining how to get by on zero sleep. Starting tomorrow I will devote 24 hours a day to football. I will make up those eleven points and more.
And once again my minions will worship me in awe and fear. And I will have my revenge. I will fart in their general direction.
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