I Fear You More............

I'm gearing up to do a six day stretch at Lompoc. When I raise my head up on Sunday for a one day taste of freedom it will be August 26.
Summer is on the operating table and the vital signs do not look good.
It was fifty two degrees when I got up yesterday. It was fifty today.
Sweatpants, flannel shirt. Already.
Scrooge said to the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come: "I fear you more than any spectre I have seen."
That's how I feel about this week.
Because I will be distracted by meaningless reality while summer fades and begins to slip away.
I tried this year. Really tried to grab summer by the throat and squeeze every ounce of warmth out of it. Every ounce of summer fun.
And in retrospect it has been good. Stretching the definition, summer began for us on Mother's Day. A day made spectacular by my sons, their magnificent women and my incredible brother.
We have done a lot.
But not enough.
Comes down to money. Always does. And we don't have any.
I'm tired of this game. I can do better. I am trying to do better but I have not been rewarded.
It has been two years of not being rewarded.
I get antsy at this time of year. Summer is dying and with it the heat I so crave. But football is starting up, which is my religion. Jesus digs The PATS. He told me. Over an ice cold Blue Moon and a couple of Crown Royals. Neat.
Fall (if you believe in that season) is a time of change.
My phony baloney job is going nowhere thanks to the gutless, inefficient and immoral fools who run the New Hampshire State Liquor Commission.
However hope has materialized on the creative side. Support. Encouragement. Possibilities.
I continue to exercise and exorcise. Whiskey consumption has been drastically decreased.
2011 and 2012 have been years of enormous trying on my part. Enormous change.
And yet I still get down on all fours twice a week to eat cat food with my precious pets to save on the food budget.
I am trying to evolve spiritually and I realize money ain't got nothing to do with that.
But it has a hell of a lot to do with life.
I want some breathing room.
As I say this I am thinking about my brother and his ex-wife who are going to court this morning one more time to witness the fate of their son. I am putting out the most powerful positive vibe I can to influence a reasonable outcome. And my heart aches to think about how my brother's heart aches.
As I say this I am thinking about my incredible brother-in-law who has begun radiation treatments on a cancerous spot in his brain. Five days a week for the next four weeks. Carol talked to him yesterday, and even though he has headaches and is nauseous, he remains positive. Even though he has had a lung removed, even though he has endured surgery to remove another cancerous spot in his brain.
So I sit here on August 20 with confusing and contradictory thoughts swirling around my tiny brain.
My own selfish wants.
The suffering of those I love.
Life is this thing that exists on so many levels.
So hard to make sense of. So hard to maintain a reasonable perspective.
I can't make today about me. It's just not right.
Today is about Jonathan and Eddie and Kathy.
Today is about Sarge and Cori.
When I started to write this I felt large. Like I am some sort of presence in this world who deserves more.
After the words came out, which I have no control over, I feel small.
But I am not defeated. And part of my strength comes from Eddie, Kathy, Sarge and Cori.
I am lucky to call them family.