I Am Purely An Idiot

It is important to excel at something in life. No matter what it is. Your ego needs it.

I am 100% idiot.

I had a day at work yesterday. First of all, I was missing THE PATS game. This is the second one I have missed because of work. I thought I had reconciled this situation in my mind, but apparently not. I was truly bumming yesterday.

But I sucked it up and went about my business. Made a wine list and went out back to snag cases of wine. And came across an ocean of wine on the floor.

You know how it is when something breaks you, something pushes you one step too far and you just shut down?

That's what happened to me.

I work with morons. Absolute morons. They pile cases of wine on top of each other regardless of the shape, regardless of how many bottles are in the case. We have a huge amount of wine in this store. Piled very high. Columns begin to tip when cases are piled indiscriminately.

And these morons continue to pile cases on top of the leaning tower. I have brought it up endlessly. Re-arrange the column. Pay attention to what you are doing. Avert disaster.

Waste of time. I am talking to morons. Morons who do not care.

A column partially tumbled yesterday. I had to re-pack four cases because they get soaked through and are no good and I had to move a bunch of cases just to get that done. I had to re-pack the broken case and account for the six bottles of wine that broke. I had to mop up an ocean of wine.

It took me an hour.

As I did this I was thinking I gave up THE PATS to come in here and waste my time cleaning up after morons who were home relaxing and not caring.

I shut down for the rest of the day, just got quiet and buried my frustration, but my anger bubbled to the surface when I got home, fueled, of course, by whiskey.

Carol had taped THE PATS game for me. She taped the race, which Kevin Harvick won. She cooked a delicious supper.

She did all of this because she knew I would be unhappy and she tried to make it better.

She offered me a way out, she offered me love and peace and I threw it away.

I allowed my anger to destroy my night and her night.

I ranted, I raved, I beat up a kitchen chair, I was a supreme asshole.

 I am trying so hard to change so I can have even a slight chance for 10 good years. But this is my worst behavior, my most ignorant weakness.

To have love and peace handed to me with careful consideration and honest thoughtfulness, and to just slap it aside like it has no value.

It has the greatest value there is. It is the most important, the most comforting thing a human being can have. The love and care and concern of another human being.

There is nothing bigger than that in life.

How many more chances will I get? When will Carol say: "Jesus Christ, I am backing a losing horse here" and run away to Mexico with Raoul the pool boy?

This is stupidity of the highest order on my part.

As I said I am 100% idiot.

If I don't get my ass in gear and find something more meaningful to excel at, I will wake up alone one day and ache to know what I have lost.