Waiting

The sun rose silently, throwing punches against the winter cold.

It was April, but spring had been unconvincing so far and he struggled to make sense of it.

Stepping onto the abbreviated porch, a landing really, he defiantly tipped his face towards the warmth.

It relaxed him for a few seconds, offering hints of comfort to come. It refused to spread from his face, however, as his body reminded him that it was only 33 degrees.

Shivering angrily, he stepped back inside and stood at the picture window gazing out over a yard still covered by snow, cruelly reflecting the sun back at him.

He had visions of his fist driving through that window, shattering it and the illusion of warmth it created by allowing the sunshine to mock him.

Winter had been harsh, long, and it was still hanging on. Still he knew that release was inevitable, that soon he would be able to leave this house without cringing in anticipation of the cold. Without experiencing the defensive tightening of the muscles that defied ease.

Winter was never an easy time, but this particular winter had beaten him down to a point of emotional and physical vulnerability.

He felt exposed; he felt want like a man who craves love that is just beyond his reach.

His perspective was radically different this year and waiting did not suit him.

There was no time.

Hanging on in anticipation was a passive approach to getting what he needed; getting to where he needed to be, and it made him restless.

Yet he had no plan, no solution, for bringing the warmth to him.

Exactly how much control did he really have?

The furnace fired up again, quietly manufacturing the heat that would soon blow up out of the vents and keep him warm, for now, inside.

A silly thought crossed his mind that he wished he controlled nature's thermostat. That he could turn up the heat to suit him.

He smiled at the vapidity of the notion.

Walked over to thermostat and dialed it up from 70 to 72. Cringed inwardly at his cowardly boldness.

Why not 85? Why not 90?

He settled in the recliner, slid a heavy blanket up over him, turned on the TV, and waited.