It's about to get raw all up in here.
Why?
Because I'm feeling pretty raw.
Worried about Carol's health. She's tough, she will get through it fine but, as Tom Petty said, "the waiting is the hardest part".
Fucking medical community. Saturday they tell Carol she has a tumor in her head and its gotta go because she is demonstrating symptoms. Tell her a consultation will be set up for Tuesday (yesterday) for me and her to understand what is about to happen.
She never got a call. We are still waiting. Carol called her physician and expressed her displeasure. The doc said she would contact Dartmouth-Hitchcock and give them a push.
Still nothing.
Apparently the approach of modern medicine is to tell you that you have something fairly serious going on, and then to take their fucking time dealing with it.
Cocksuckers.
If I am feeling this upset I cannot imagine how Carol feels.
So there is that.
As this all unfolds I am taking notes. This situation is definitely not about me but it has forced me to take a step back.
When I had the cancer thing I called Keith and Craig and cried like a bitch. I am a deeply emotional man, the drawback being I allow emotions to overwhelm me.
I am also a fatalist. I hear cancer and I think death. Even though Dr. Feelgood assured me that it was the lowest possible stage of melanoma and I did not really have a lot to worry about.
When Carol called Keith and Craig on Saturday they had awesome conversations. Carol was strong; they even laughed on both ends of the calls.
I sat next to her and thought "How the hell did she do that?" What she has is a lot more serious than what I dealt with and yet she handled it with strength.
The difference is she hears brain tumor and thinks "OK, let's deal with this and move on".
That, apparently, is the difference between positivity and negativity.
I texted Keith and Craig afterwards and thanked them for making Carol feel better.
They both said that her positive attitude gave them confidence. I thought "Jesus what an asshole I was to cry like I did and make the situation more awkward than it had to be".
I have never liked the overly emotional side of my personality, the craziness that allows emotions to overwhelm me and prevent me from functioning. But I have never been able to control it.
New ballgame. I am learning from Carol. What she is doing is amazing. And inspirational.
When you are 39 years married you know everything about this person you live with and settle into a "taking it for granted, sometimes making the wrong assumptions" perspective.
All of a sudden I am looking at Carol differently. With a great deal of admiration. And respect.
I will be strong for her whenever she needs it throughout this ordeal. I am determined to do so.
But I think she will not lean on me too much. She is a warrior.
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