The Beatles have always been everything to me all the time.
Just listened to some of The White Album as I ate a bowl of Strawberry/Vanilla Chex this morning.
(Editor's note - Never go for the flavored version of something that shouldn't be flavored. I love Chex. Corn, rice - wheat not so much, but I can chow it when I want to. Strawberry/Vanilla flavored Chex sucks. My tongue asks "What is this artificially flavored bullshit?" I will be grabbing a box of Corn Chex next week when food shopping, just so I can wipe this horrible "taste" out of my mouth forever.)
When I was a kid The Beatles made me feel like a rebel. I was going to live a different life because I could - I was never going to be my parents, I was never going to be bored, I was never going to be boring. You know how that all turned out.
As I aged, The Beatles sometimes made me happy, sometimes they ministered to my depression, sometimes they made me stop and think. As I got even older they kind of depressed me because I knew for a fact that I became exactly what my parents were and there was no turning around, no fixing it. Despite the hope and perspective the lads inspired in me as a kid.
I am now waging a new war. Desperate to orchestrate "the rest of my life" in a way that makes my soul smile. I need some sort of redemption in the time that's left or I will die a Loser. I despise the image of The Devil laughing at me for eternity as I suffer because of my own stupidity.
"Birthday" - a great song because it's so cheaky. Who writes a new birthday song?
"Yer Blues" - Dark and ponderous, weighing heavy on the soul.
"Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me and My Monkey" - Rock 'n roll baby, with interesting lyrics and a better title.
"Sexy Sadie" - A slap in the face to the Maharishi, who John lost faith in after a time.
"Helter Skelter" - Rock 'n roll, baby - rock 'n roll.
These songs feed into my determination beautifully. They made me smile. SMILE. I scowl more than I smile. In fact I scowl morning, noon, and night.
I am getting more broken every day, dangerously so, because my life continues along this ridiculous path even though I have lost all patience for it. ALL PATIENCE FOR IT. I want to scream every day.
The important thing is that, diving back into The Beatles from where I am at now, gives me inspiration and fuel. Soon, I am either going to explode and walk away from everything that gnaws at my soul, or I'm going to find a solution to put a smile on my corpse. There is no longer any middle ground.
I am deeply emotional and subject to the depth and intensity of my moods. Been feeling despair in 2026 as I run out of time. Lately though, determination has reared it's ugly head. Born of frustration. When Hate gets powerful enough, you have to act.
We'll see, we'll see. The odds are stacked high against me, baby.
Then again, against all odds.....................
(Editor's note - I have been whining like a little bitch ever since I started vomiting in here 15 years ago. At some point, I have to evolve, don't I? At some point I have to win.)
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