Back officially to the grind tomorrow.
Have only worked 4 days since December 16. Had already committed to four days off for Christmas and four more for New Year's. I am lucky to have that option.
Got the call about Sarge on 12/17 and Jonathan on 12/18. So we ended up taking some additional time, time we wish with every fiber of our being that we did not have a reason to take off.
Carol has worked three days since December 16.
This week brings about what some would call a return to normalcy.
It is not.
It may be the new normal, a normal without Jonathan and without Sarge, but it will be anything but normal. There is no normal anymore.
In a fascinating twist of fate, I go back tomorrow for inventory. Inventory in a liquor store is a hideous thing.
We got a lot of bottles.
It is typically a 12 hour, incredibly tedious day, with me returning home somewhere between midnight and 1:00 a.m.
Whereupon I will consume an ice cold bottle of beer and a generous helping of whiskey.
Should be interesting. I am typically short of patience on inventory day as it is. This time around, I am in absolutely no mood to deal with such a meaningless waste of my time.
Could be fisticuffs.
Carol's day will be no easier. Back to administrative nightmares and inconsiderate co-workers. The woman is a rock and amazingly organized and on top of everything about her job.
But I think when you get right down to it, she is not much more fond of her job than I am of mine.
No different than you and everyone you know.
So here we go. Back to something we both gotta do even though we are broken inside.
Just like Cori and Ed and Kathy have probably already done.
When January 2 rolls around, it can be a real slap in the face. You dug Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Hopefully there was a lot of magic there.
And hope.
Suddenly it is 01/02 and you feel cold, challenged, a little lost. Desperately seeking newness and change. Not wanting the new year to be a bland continuation of the old year.
So there is that, and for my family and my extended family, there is the memory of Jonathan and the memory of Sarge.
There are jobs and bills and deadlines and commitments.
I don't think 2015 is going to fall into place like every other year. In fact I know it.
Too much has been lost.
We will make the best of it that we can.
It all starts for real tomorrow.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
The Sadness
The sadness was different than any that had come before.
This was a different animal. It had a physical aspect to it, or at least felt that way.
It was tangible, it had weight and it would leave its mark.
Forever.
He knew this intuitively.
It followed him in every direction, physical and emotional, no matter what he was doing or however distracted. It lurked in the background when other matters dominated his attention.
Through the dark, smiles and laughter bubbled up, but even that felt different. Still, it was important.
He knew he had to pick up his life and live it again, although it felt like a betrayal to do so.
Some of it happened naturally; some of it through a force of will.
Still, at quiet moments, the sadness welled up like a tidal wave. A quiet, invisible tidal wave that forced tears from his eyes and detachment from his soul.
It was powerful enough to overcome distracted moments as well. Times when his mind was otherwise engaged and seemingly free of the weight.
Even then he could be overwhelmed; suddenly; surprised. Knocked back from where he was to where he did not want to be. Forced to recognize that which he wished never occurred.
Wished with all his heart and all of his soul.
His mind was working it all over. Trying to make room, to find a place for the emotion. Recognizing that it would never end, never go away, attempting to settle it in a corner where it would exist on its own.
Not to be ignored, but to live independently in a way that would allow everything else that must happen to happen. To be reflected upon when the mood was right or as life's emotional turbulence dictated.
But this piece did not fit. It never would. It was forged through sudden and intense pain and loss, it was its own memory, its own emotion, it was outside his previous experience and it stood defiant against attempts to categorize it.
He had been changed and he would continue to change in response to the sadness that lived inside of him.
It had weight and would leave its mark.
This was a different animal. It had a physical aspect to it, or at least felt that way.
It was tangible, it had weight and it would leave its mark.
Forever.
He knew this intuitively.
It followed him in every direction, physical and emotional, no matter what he was doing or however distracted. It lurked in the background when other matters dominated his attention.
Through the dark, smiles and laughter bubbled up, but even that felt different. Still, it was important.
He knew he had to pick up his life and live it again, although it felt like a betrayal to do so.
Some of it happened naturally; some of it through a force of will.
Still, at quiet moments, the sadness welled up like a tidal wave. A quiet, invisible tidal wave that forced tears from his eyes and detachment from his soul.
It was powerful enough to overcome distracted moments as well. Times when his mind was otherwise engaged and seemingly free of the weight.
Even then he could be overwhelmed; suddenly; surprised. Knocked back from where he was to where he did not want to be. Forced to recognize that which he wished never occurred.
Wished with all his heart and all of his soul.
His mind was working it all over. Trying to make room, to find a place for the emotion. Recognizing that it would never end, never go away, attempting to settle it in a corner where it would exist on its own.
Not to be ignored, but to live independently in a way that would allow everything else that must happen to happen. To be reflected upon when the mood was right or as life's emotional turbulence dictated.
But this piece did not fit. It never would. It was forged through sudden and intense pain and loss, it was its own memory, its own emotion, it was outside his previous experience and it stood defiant against attempts to categorize it.
He had been changed and he would continue to change in response to the sadness that lived inside of him.
It had weight and would leave its mark.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Dig
"Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will."
Apparently controversy rages over who originated this quote.
Suzy Kassem or Karim Seddiki?
I thank whoever the originator is.
Apparently controversy rages over who originated this quote.
Suzy Kassem or Karim Seddiki?
I thank whoever the originator is.
John Lennon
I am reading a massive biography on John Lennon's life.
Wait, what? Are you kidding me?
I have read so many books on The Beatles as a group and individually you would think my appetite would be sated.
I thought so myself.
The book is titled "Lennon: The Man, The Myth, The Music - The Definitive Life", by Tim Riley.
It was written in 2011. I have had the book for a year or more. Walking by it, staring at it, putting off reading it.
Because I thought it would be more of the same, and one thing I despise, cannot tolerate, is being bored when I read.
Even though I did my homework. I don't just run right out and buy every Beatles retrospective. Everything I read said the book had more to offer, that it was above and beyond.
All true. I have read details I never read before. There are even pictures in the book I have never seen before.
Tim Riley is an NPR music critic. Described as "the eminent NPR critic."
How can you go wrong?
The book seems to be feeding into my mood right now. The perfect book for the perfect moment.
It is so well written that there has been excitement building in me as if I had been transported back to the early sixties and were witnessing the birth of The Beatles.
From the formulation of the group through the early reputation building gigs in and around Liverpool to the wild and crazy Hamburg days and back to their triumphant domination of The Cavern Club in Liverpool.
I am over 200 pages in, and they haven't even made it to America yet.
My impression is that the book was objectively written. Riley speaks highly of Lennon; he also reveals nastier sides of John's personality.
But he dives deeply into John's life and background and tries to find explanations for his multifaceted personality.
I am raw emotionally now. I have also always been emotionally tied up in the history of The Beatles.
You know that. I have babbled incessantly about them over the years.
I won't belabor the point.
The Beatles had an enormous impact on my life and still inspire promise and hope in me.
Reading this book is making me nostalgic. Reading this book is giving me hope.
Coming up on 51 years after The Beatles appearance on The Ed Sullivan show. And John Lennon is still instigating for me to get up off me arse and do something.
I appreciate the perseverance.
Wait, what? Are you kidding me?
I have read so many books on The Beatles as a group and individually you would think my appetite would be sated.
I thought so myself.
The book is titled "Lennon: The Man, The Myth, The Music - The Definitive Life", by Tim Riley.
It was written in 2011. I have had the book for a year or more. Walking by it, staring at it, putting off reading it.
Because I thought it would be more of the same, and one thing I despise, cannot tolerate, is being bored when I read.
Even though I did my homework. I don't just run right out and buy every Beatles retrospective. Everything I read said the book had more to offer, that it was above and beyond.
All true. I have read details I never read before. There are even pictures in the book I have never seen before.
Tim Riley is an NPR music critic. Described as "the eminent NPR critic."
How can you go wrong?
The book seems to be feeding into my mood right now. The perfect book for the perfect moment.
It is so well written that there has been excitement building in me as if I had been transported back to the early sixties and were witnessing the birth of The Beatles.
From the formulation of the group through the early reputation building gigs in and around Liverpool to the wild and crazy Hamburg days and back to their triumphant domination of The Cavern Club in Liverpool.
I am over 200 pages in, and they haven't even made it to America yet.
My impression is that the book was objectively written. Riley speaks highly of Lennon; he also reveals nastier sides of John's personality.
But he dives deeply into John's life and background and tries to find explanations for his multifaceted personality.
I am raw emotionally now. I have also always been emotionally tied up in the history of The Beatles.
You know that. I have babbled incessantly about them over the years.
I won't belabor the point.
The Beatles had an enormous impact on my life and still inspire promise and hope in me.
Reading this book is making me nostalgic. Reading this book is giving me hope.
Coming up on 51 years after The Beatles appearance on The Ed Sullivan show. And John Lennon is still instigating for me to get up off me arse and do something.
I appreciate the perseverance.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
January 1, 2015
Today is my birthday.
My sixty first.
Gonna keep it simple this year.
No promises.
No apologies.
No explanations.
My sixty first.
Gonna keep it simple this year.
No promises.
No apologies.
No explanations.
The First Day
The first day of the new year.
The first day of the rest of my life.
I am feeling it today. Deeply. Emotionally.
In the first half hour that I was up and about this morning, as Carol slept and our cats greeted me lovingly, tears welled up in my eyes three or four times.
I am always introspective on New Year's Day. I think everybody should be.
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates.
Day One is the perfect day to take an honest look into the mirror. If you can stand up to the reflection you are doing well.
If not, something's gotta change.
Double whammy for me. Day One is also my birthday. Adds another layer of depth to the introspection.
Especially now.
Last year floored me when I turned sixty. I was shaken. I mouthed all kinds of resolve.
And the year blew by.
The older you get the faster times goes by. Such a cliché. One that I never really bought into.
Definitely felt like my life was moving too fast, but there was a sense of traction. It never felt out of control.
2014 put an end to that. I simply cannot believe I am sitting here on January 1, 2015. Last year was a blur. It went by so fast I am not sure I ever saw it.
That frightens me.
I have no sense of having lived 2014. I am disoriented.
I may not have lived 2014, but I felt it.
Three untimely deaths in 2014. All of them offspring survived by parents.
The worst scenario possible.
My cousin lost her daughter after a life long battle with disease. My wife lost her brother after a long battle with cancer. My brother lost his son after a protracted battle with heroin.
I will not forget 2014.
Carol and I are New Year's Eve warriors. We refuse to go to bed until we usher in the new year.
Many people my age go to bed early. I hear this all the time. Just another day.
Bullshit. You need magic in your life. Sometimes it happens naturally. Sometimes you make it happen.
I got home late from work. We watched two episodes of "Rescue Me", on demand. A show we used to watch religiously and really enjoyed. We tuned into The Stooges marathon and caught two episodes. Really got lucky there because one of them was the "B A Bay" episode. We ate Chinese food.
At midnight we toasted 2015 with a bottle of champagne given to us by Scott Towle, a close friend of my son Craig and a good friend to this family.
That made the night more meaningful because it suggested the circles of influence we all create, unknowingly, much like George Baily in "It's A Wonderful Life."
When Sarge and then Jonathan passed away, one of the things that struck me was the ripples of pain that spread throughout so many lives. So many lives.
If you take a step back, you realize how many lives they touched. You realize just how much happiness two people can bring to the world.
I was thinking about that as we sipped Scott's champagne. The champagne he went out of his way to drop off with us on Christmas Day.
My son's friend. So many people in our lives that we touch and who touch us. We are not really aware of the magnitude of it.
Or of the precious nature of it.
Three family members left this world in 2014 who I will never see again. Never talk to again. Never hope for, never laugh with, never worry about, never enjoy the company of.
They left a lot of people behind.
We should honor their memory by taking note of the people we have in our lives. By really paying attention, by appreciating them, by giving them our love and by warming in their love.
Feeling kind of fragile today. Introspective.
Feeling kind of lucky too.
The first day of the rest of my life.
I am feeling it today. Deeply. Emotionally.
In the first half hour that I was up and about this morning, as Carol slept and our cats greeted me lovingly, tears welled up in my eyes three or four times.
I am always introspective on New Year's Day. I think everybody should be.
"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates.
Day One is the perfect day to take an honest look into the mirror. If you can stand up to the reflection you are doing well.
If not, something's gotta change.
Double whammy for me. Day One is also my birthday. Adds another layer of depth to the introspection.
Especially now.
Last year floored me when I turned sixty. I was shaken. I mouthed all kinds of resolve.
And the year blew by.
The older you get the faster times goes by. Such a cliché. One that I never really bought into.
Definitely felt like my life was moving too fast, but there was a sense of traction. It never felt out of control.
2014 put an end to that. I simply cannot believe I am sitting here on January 1, 2015. Last year was a blur. It went by so fast I am not sure I ever saw it.
That frightens me.
I have no sense of having lived 2014. I am disoriented.
I may not have lived 2014, but I felt it.
Three untimely deaths in 2014. All of them offspring survived by parents.
The worst scenario possible.
My cousin lost her daughter after a life long battle with disease. My wife lost her brother after a long battle with cancer. My brother lost his son after a protracted battle with heroin.
I will not forget 2014.
Carol and I are New Year's Eve warriors. We refuse to go to bed until we usher in the new year.
Many people my age go to bed early. I hear this all the time. Just another day.
Bullshit. You need magic in your life. Sometimes it happens naturally. Sometimes you make it happen.
I got home late from work. We watched two episodes of "Rescue Me", on demand. A show we used to watch religiously and really enjoyed. We tuned into The Stooges marathon and caught two episodes. Really got lucky there because one of them was the "B A Bay" episode. We ate Chinese food.
At midnight we toasted 2015 with a bottle of champagne given to us by Scott Towle, a close friend of my son Craig and a good friend to this family.
That made the night more meaningful because it suggested the circles of influence we all create, unknowingly, much like George Baily in "It's A Wonderful Life."
When Sarge and then Jonathan passed away, one of the things that struck me was the ripples of pain that spread throughout so many lives. So many lives.
If you take a step back, you realize how many lives they touched. You realize just how much happiness two people can bring to the world.
I was thinking about that as we sipped Scott's champagne. The champagne he went out of his way to drop off with us on Christmas Day.
My son's friend. So many people in our lives that we touch and who touch us. We are not really aware of the magnitude of it.
Or of the precious nature of it.
Three family members left this world in 2014 who I will never see again. Never talk to again. Never hope for, never laugh with, never worry about, never enjoy the company of.
They left a lot of people behind.
We should honor their memory by taking note of the people we have in our lives. By really paying attention, by appreciating them, by giving them our love and by warming in their love.
Feeling kind of fragile today. Introspective.
Feeling kind of lucky too.
Duane's Words
"This year I will be more thoughtful of my fellow man, exert more effort in each of my endeavors professionally as well as personally, take love wherever I find it, and offer it to everyone who will take it. In this coming year I will seek knowledge from those wiser than me and try to teach those who wish to learn from me. I love being alive and I will be the best man I possibly can."
Duane Allman, from his diary on January 1, 1969.
Duane Allman, from his diary on January 1, 1969.
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