Welcome to 2021

Here we go, kids - I will be taking a ride on the Cancer Treatment Express.

Met with the radiologist yesterday. All systems go with this prostate cancer thing.

Starts with hormone therapy. Next week. He explained that hormone therapy works like chemotherapy - it attacks the cancer and shrinks it so the radiation can be more effective.

Side effects? Hot flashes, for one. Carol got a kick out of that when I told her. Excessive weight gain is another. He told me if I just eat like I normally do I will blow up like a balloon. He suggested a low carb diet and said I need to be very serious about it. He also pointed out that alcohol is high in carbs. Thanks, doc.

So just like that I go from the high of the bone scan guy telling me to go ahead and have a couple of drinks before the procedure, to the low of the radiologist telling me alcohol is evil.

This is going to require big changes from me. This is a moment. A lot will be required of me and if I don't follow through there will be serious consequences.

Strangely enough I am kind of up for it. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need to change my life physically. I have been eating and drinking too much and have been too down to do anything about it. 

The kids in the neighborhood already call me Fatty Fatty Fuck Fuck. It's embarassing. Next step is Jabba the Hutt. I can't let that happen. I probably won't lose any weight but I am going to try damn hard not to gain any.

Hormone therapy lasts 2 to 2 and1/2 months. Then radiation starts.

45 visits. 5 days a week for 9 weeks. That will put a crimp in my routine.

Side effects? Fatigue. A tendency to have to go to the bathroom more often. Doesn't sound like the end of the world.

On a positive note I am moving up in the world of serious diseases. In competition with Carol. 

Carol has been getting all the headlines. Breast cancer. Brain tumor. Me? Stage I melanoma. Come on, man - baby stuff.

Now I can square my shoulders, thrust my jaw out in pride and say "Yup, got me a case of that there prostate cancer. I surely hope I don't die from it." That will get peoples' attention. Might even get Carol's attention.

I don't know though - she is the MVP of disease in this family. It will be an honor for me just to be mentioned in the same breath.

So there you have it. Life turns on a dime. I mean this has been coming on for 2 or 3 years so it is not a surprise, but now it is NOW.

I watched Sarge fight like a son of a bitch against lung cancer. I watched Carol fight like a son of a bitch against breast cancer and a brain tumor. Two family members who set a high bar for Positive Attitude and Fight.

They showed me how it's done. I always wondered if I would have that kind of strength. I am about to find out.

I think I am up for it.

In A Little While

That is the name of a U2 song I absolutely love.

I was sitting in the drive through line at Dunkin Donuts yesterday when it came up on my radio. The line was long and slow moving so I kept getting the opportunity to put my head back, close my eyes and listen.

When a song makes you do that you know you have something.

It was a special moment.

And continuing the U2 connection............I was driving home on New Year's Eve listening to the U2 station on Sirius when the "DJ" segued into a poetry segment. Featured an Irish poet name of John O'Donahue. Another Irish poet, I didn't catch his name, was paying tribute to him. And what a beautiful tribute.

I found a new poet. Holy shit, you don't know how much that means to me and how perfect is the timing.

I love poetry and vowed to pursue it vigorously in 2021. And here I had a fantastic poet dropped right into my lap. On New Year's Fucking Eve. Don't you find that meaningful?

First of all this is what I love about Sirius and especially about U2. That you can veer off into uncharted waters and examine other forms of creativity. It's all about creative expression, not just rock 'n roll.

I had FM radio when I was a kid and this was long before fucking playlists. DJ's could do anything they wanted to do. And they did.

If a rock song suggested jazz, suddenly you were listening to a full side of Miles Davis. They read poetry. Played avant-garde stuff you had to work to appreciate. It was spectacular. Classical music. Man, they exercised your musical chops.

I am picky about my poetry. I don't like the obscurely worded stuff that feels pretentious to me, like the poet is trying to show off his knowledge and talent. Don't like most of the old-tymey stuff.

Just before the New Year I discovered a poet name of Edna St. Vincent Millay. She lived from 1892-1950.

Love her poems. They connect with my soul.

John O'Donahue died on January 4, 2008. He was born on January 1, 1956. Two years after me. How appropriate I should write about him today. I believe there is some sort of spiritual connection there. I believe in that stuff, baby. He was only 52 when he died.

I sat in my car mesmerized by the words his friend was reading. With so much reverance, so much emotion. New Year's Eve - when I am so vulnerable and so open. My soul and all my emotion is out there raw and hungry for satisfaction and John O'Donahue just walks right in.

These are the things that sustain me. That make me actually feel alive. I am so far away from who I am and so far away from the people I should be spending time with that a moment like that gives me hope.

It jolts me. It happened for a reason. It gave me a spark of life when I SO needed it.

I am sure I will be quoting John O'Donahue's writing to you. He is part of my life now.

I love John O'Donahue's writing and I did not even know he ever existed before that night.

What a gift.

In A Nutshell

I hate my life.

It is my fault my life is what it is.

It has to change for me to get happy.

I am the only one who can make that happen.

Fucking Cops

I just went out to Dunkin Donuts to treat Carol and me to a quality breakfast.

On the way home the cops - who were on the other side of the road - pulled out, turned around, and followed me for miles down the road. Closely.

When I took my exit they took my exit. Followed me right to my driveway. Closely.

When I turned in they drove by.

I fucking HATE it when cops do that. They are trying to intimidate you into making a mistake - driving too fast, swerving - whatever - so they have an excuse to pull you over. They are praying to randomly catch a drunk driver.

Funny thing is I have had that happen when I WAS drunk and I beat them every time. And I always will beat them every time. Because I have nerves of steel.

But today was a Sunday morning, I was out for a treat, and I was forced to drive like a 109 year old woman. No mistakes. Full attention. Eyes riveted to the rear view mirror.

When that happens I want to point my 12 gauge shotgun backwards over my shoulder and blow the motherfuckers right off the road.

That would be a satisfying start to my day.

Oh For Christ Sake

I almost made it.

I tried to make my January 1 post raw and honest. Got pretty close.

The whole point was to put my failures down in writing. Right in front of my face. Seeing them in writing, tapping away at the keyboard, makes them so real. And so pathetic. Hopefully makes me think. And act.

I was cruising along until I got to the end. Then I went for cute. I always have to go for the wrap up. Many times it's good; others times it is sappy.

"I'll have a good thought" was sappy. Going for entertainment rather than truth. Are you kidding me? That was weak.

So I reiterate the painful truth:

I am weak. I don't try hard enough.

I have to learn to love myself. This is critical. 

I have come to believe that is the key to all happiness and success. Because not loving yourself is a disease; it poisons everything - the way you perceive the world, the way you perceive others, the way you look at things you do and don't do, the way you interpret things that happen to you.

Self-loathing is an opaque filter that is a barrier to getting to the truth.

And from Duane Allman - I will be the best man I possibly can. Simple. Straightforward. My ultimate goal. Because if I get there I will be happy. And proud.

That's it. Forget about "I'll have a good thought." I mean I love the phrase and I think it is powerful.

But I have a lot heavier stuff to deal with than just that.

Duane's Wisdom

 "This year I will be more thoughtful of my fellow man, exert more effort in each of my endeavors, professionally as well as personally. Take love wherever I find it, and offer it to everyone who will take it. In this coming year I will seek knowledge from those wiser than me and try to teach those who wish to learn from me. I love being alive and I will be the best man I possibly can."

Duane Allman's diary, January 1, 1969.

I start every year with this quote; I never comment on it, I just let it be. This year is different. I put it in italics for emphasis. And I have to say the last comment is the killer.

I will be the best man I possibly can.

This sums up very simply what I want. I have never tried hard enough to achieve this goal. Never even come close. I can be a much better man than I have been. I want to be the best man I possibly can.

That says it all.

Mea Culpa. 2021.

It is January 1, 2021.

A sacred day for me.

I did my homework, as promised. Read through 8 years of year-end posts. Nothing surprising and I did not expect to be surprised. I know myself. I know my pain. I know my shortcomings. I know how I whine.

But it was heavy to read through this pain year after year after year. The same complaints, the same bleak outlook.

There were themes. Always trying to lose weight, a strong and consistent sense of negativity about life and about my life, a sense that I tried and failed over and over again, failing to reach my potential, hating the jobs I worked, the desire to make my life meaningful, to do something with it, self delusion about who I could have been.

Solid, interesting quotes:

2012 - Years come and go. Some are good, some are bad. I can accept that but I cannot accept that I contributed to my own failure.

2013 - I need the truth. My own truth. Not anybody else's. I no longer feel I have a tomorrow in my life. I am three days away from 60. I no longer have a tomorrow. I have only a today.

2015 - Your life is the only thing you have. The only thing, and it blows by at faster miles an hour. My track record for change and resurrection sucks.

2017 - However, I always felt that New Year's Eve madness is a strange mix of hope and hopelessness.

2019 - Jesus fucking Christ. Time moves fast. For a while life dribbles out of you. Then it gushes like blood from a severed artery.

The heaviest years were 2014 and 2017. In 2014 Sarge and Jonathan died. In 2017 Carol had a mastectomy and a tumor removed from her brain. I said all the predictable things.

In 2014 I said "You have to fight to make your life meaningful. The more loss you experience the more driven you become to make a statement, to actually do something with your life."

In 2017 I said "But in another way, I know Carol will continue to fight like the warrior that she is. I also know that I am committed to doing everything in my power to make our life better. This is on my shoulders."

Still, I did nothing.

The point is I have whined about the same shit for 9 years now. And even when I came up against unspeakable tragedy and pain, I did not change. At moments when life teaches you a serious lesson, I did not learn.

I am weak. I don't try hard enough. 

I have to learn to love myself. If you don't love yourself everything else is tainted. Nothing works. I am as tainted as they come.

I have had enough. I don't like my life or myself and it is my fault that this is the way it is.

I want 2021 to be the year I find happiness, self-love and peace of mind. I want it more than ever. It is entirely up to me.

On "Hill Street Blues" a common expression among the characters was "I'll have a good thought." When someone was sick or going through a difficult time Sipowicz would say "I'll have a good thought." Not thoughts and prayers, not my heart goes out, not I am so sorry.

I always thought that expression was so powerful. Simple and meaningful. "I'll have a good thought." The power of the mind, the power of truly caring.

In 2021 I am going to work to have a good thought.

About me.