"When you cease to fear your solitude, a new creativity awakens in you. Your forgotten or neglected wealth begins to reveal itself. You come home to yourself and learn to rest within. Thoughts are our inner senses. Infused with silence and solitude, they bring out the mystery of inner landscape."
John O'Donahue
You come home to yourself and learn to rest within. That is the most beautiful description of peace of mind I have ever heard.
Gotta admit when I wrote Tuesday's post I had a little whiskey in me. And a pretty good fucking sandwich too.
Dr. Susan Buckley caught me off guard. Way off guard. Obviously I found out she is a Doc, not the urologist's assistant. I am a sexist pig for making that assumption. And as I said I would take her over the urologist or the radiologist any day. She was 100% informed, direct and honest with me. She did not sugarcoat anything.
And she answered every one of my questions. I had a lot. I had a list. She answered every single one. Respectfully.
I overreacted on Tuesday. It was a pretty big shift in perspective. But given the luxury of time to think about it, it ain't gonna be so bad.
Hormone therapy is a manageable thing. My body will react to it in unpredictable ways - every man responds differently - and I will react to that. Up to me, baby.
Radiation is not so bad either. Carol and I each spoke to someone who has dealt with it and they both said it pretty much leaves you tired with no real other side effects of note.
Just a walk in the park, Kazansky.
Not really, but it ain't the end of the world. Something tells me it might be more important to kill the cancer than to worry about the side effects. They tell me it's better to be alive than dead.
The medical community amuses me. I connect with the ones who are drug addicts in disguise.
Dr. B told me she cannot predict how my body will react to hormone therapy. That every man reacts differently, from what they experience to the severity of what they experience. Then she said:
"So it's important that you keep me posted about what's going on, especially if something is making you uncomfortable or affecting how you live your life. I have a pill for everything - there is nothing I cannot make better."
Now that is a doctor I can respect.
When I got to this serious stage and the urologist was reviewing my treatment options, at the end he said: "You can also chooose to do nothing. With medications and technology I can probably keep you alive for 15 years."
Again, you gotta love it. And I seriously considered it for a while.
I have to consider the downside. I'd be stupid not to. I could get to the end of this and be told "Holy shit, we did not beat this thing. You need chemo, or surgery, or a stick of dynamite inserted up your ass." It is possible this is the beginning of the end. No one really knows. Talk about motivation to change, baby.
I am not leaning on that at all. Right now I feel positive. I will deal with this and come out the other end smiling. I have watched family members and friends go through shit that is much more difficult than this and seen them succeed. Mostly.
So ignore my previous post. I was freaked out and whiskey influenced.
One would think between this pandemic and prostate cancer, I will have a completely different outlook on life.
Could happen. Should happen.
But I'm not making any promises.
One step at a time, baby.
Out today doing the chores that make my life so exciting. And fulfilling.
Trip to the dump; Harvester Market for 1 pound of Land O' Lakes american cheese off the block; Dunkin Donuts.
Listening to the U2 Sirius XM station.
I always liked U2. Now I love them. I have been listening to nothing else for a week or two.
Got a buddy to whom U2 is what the Allman Brothers are to me. He has seen them in concert many times, including in Dublin. Fucking Dublin, man. We used to fantasize about me and him going to Dublin to catch them live.
Never happened. Bummer.
As I was driving around, a new show started at 1:00 featuring a guy named John Kelly. He played some funky music that I dug, then brought in a guest for a discussion. Kate Raworth who recently wrote a book titled Doughnut Economics. The Edge joined the conversation. Insiders just call him Edge. He just calls me Joe.
The title has nothing to do with food.
The book suggests that a new theory of economics is urgently needed because the one we have lived by for thousands of years is not dealing with the pressing issues of our time - climate change, extreme inequality and the super rich, financial crisis, and more.
Fascinating stuff, but my main point is I was listening to a rock 'n roll station and this conversation pops up.
U2 are eclectic. Informed. Activists. Humanists. They are always pushing to innovate musically, but they are also actively involved in trying to contribute to solving the world's biggest problems.
I will check the book out. Could be over my head; could be boring to me. Could prove to be interesting. I might learn something.
I would not even know the book existed if I wasn't listening to U2.
That is the way the world is supposed to work, baby. Constant exposure to new ideas to stimulate you and make you think and make your life interesting.
Met with Dr. Feelgood today. Made me a little dizzy. But I got the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The medical community needs to learn to communicate better. I have dealt with a urologist and a radiologist. Today I met with the urologist's assistant. She turned out to be far and away the best of the bunch. I am not surprised that a woman made the men look so incompetent. She was actually stunned at the information the two men never gave me.
I thought I was getting my first hormone shot today. Nope. First I get a week's worth of hormone pills. Next week I go in for a shot.
They monitor testosterone levels and PSA for a while. Testosterone feeds prostate cancer. Hormone therapy drastically lowers testosterone production and essentially stops the cancer's growth in its tracks.
When things are progressing well I move on to radiation.
I learned today that they consider my level of cancer a high risk cancer. This is the first time I heard those words. High risk but they are confident this treatment will beat it.
The other thing I learned today is that this process will take 2 years. TWO YEARS. Again, first time I was told this. I thought it would last 4 months. It is a hard thing to go from an expectation of 4 months to an expectation of 2 years.
The urologist and radiologist are both in for a beating.
Hormone therapy for a month or two, radiation for 9 weeks, then hormone therapy for up to two years. The hormone therapy works like chemo to make sure the cancer doesn't come back.
Today knocked me for a loop. High Risk. Two Years.
I came home, made myself a sandwich, poured some whiskey, and watched Batman Returns. Michael Keaton, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito. Deliciously dark movie. Fucking insane. I lost myself in that movie which was exactly what I wanted to do.
I love Christopher Walken. Haven't given him enough love lately. LOVE Christopher Walken.
Unfortunately Carol walked in with 10 minutes left in the movie simultaneously as the phone was ringing about our mortgage refinance. I blew up. I could NOT handle the intrusion of reality into the cocoon of safety I built for myself. I don't apologize for that. I was robbed of the chance to swallow my medicine in peace.
I drove in to the hospital alone this morning. Not an ideal thing in this situation but there was really no reason for Carol to be there.
I listened to U2. Heard Walk On. Lost my mind. Some lyrics:
"And if the darkness is to keep us apart, and if the daylight feels like it's a long way off, and if your glass heart should crack, and for a second you turn back, oh no, be strong.
Walk on, walk on, what you got they can't steal it, no, they can't even feel it, walk on, walk on, stay safe tonight."
Bono read one of his fan letters. Turns out he calls them Fan Letters, not Love Letters. Sorry to mislead you. Fan letters because, as he says, "I am a performer and I am still a fan."
He pays homage to people who inspired him years ago as well as people who inspire him today. Today's Fan Letter was to Billie Eilish. I like what I have heard from her. She whisper-sings. Unfortunately, because of that style I only get 20% of her lyrics. Still..............
Anyway Bono's tribute was typically creative and heartfelt.
On my way home they played a live cut from A New Year's Eve show in Dublin. 12/31/1989. You hear U2 counting down the last 15 seconds and then it is 1990. Church bells are ringing. U2 sing Auld Lang Syne, then segue into Where The Streets Have No Name. So beautiful. Somehow I believe New Year's Eve in Dublin is a lot more spiritual than New Year's Eve in NYC.
This ripped all the emotion right out of my soul. Probably because it sounded like such a celebration. It was such a contrast to the New Year we just rang in. A New Year that promises more Covid and delivered prostate cancer.
John O'Donahue's book was delivered today. How's that for timing? It is not what I expected. It is more. It is a collection of poetry, essays, spirituality and philosophy. I will hug this book to my body like a shield of armor.
And let his words seep into my heart.
I am down today. Today did not go at all as I expected. Today kicked me in the balls and damaged my spirit. I have to stagger through tonight and get to tomorrow.
Unfortunately I have to work tomorrow. With superficial, judgemental, back stabbing individuals. This is NOT going to go well.
I am on a roller coaster. Much more so than I expected. Sarge fought like a tiger, Carol is still fighting like a tiger after over 3 years.
I am going to give it everything I got.
But I am pretty shaky today.
Point 1:
On my birthday - January 1, 2021 - Craig lent me "Greenlights". A book written by Matthew McConaughey.
In this book MM (I am not going to spell his name every time) examines his life. I finished the book this morning and it turned out to be the perfect book for a difficult time in my life.
Before you laugh you have two choices - take my word as gospel or buy the book. Period.
The man is a thinker. He constantly evaluates his life and if he is not happy or fulfilled he steps back. He has done it over and over again and course corrected every time. He has built up a storehouse of approaches/thoughts/inspirational quotes/advice and wisdom. The book is based on a diary he kept for 35 years. He took some time to go back and reread it and analyze it relative to different periods and ages in his life.
The biggest thing I took away from the book is that he attacks life. He is an active participant in it. When he makes a decision to change things he throws himself into it body and soul. He takes hits and makes mistakes but he learns from them. And then he moves left or right or up or down.
Time and time again when I read about something he did or read one of his philosophies or read some of the thoughts he has recorded I would put the book down and exhale in amazement. At the way his mind works and at the potential for me to apply his approach to my current situation.
Point 2:
I have been listening to a lot of U2 lately. Theirs is the perfect music for a difficult time in my life.
I feel a lot of their music is like gospel music translated into rock 'n roll. Inspirational, emotional, uplifting, truthful and personal. I lose myself in the words. And the music is magic.
The music is hitting me much differently than it has in the past. And there is an obvious reason for that.
These are thoughtful, introspective guys. Especially Bono. The man can be annoying but I love his commitment to passionate expression. He is the epitomy of a creative spirit.
On their station on Sirius XM they pay homage to the people who inspired them. Bono reads "Love Letters" to those people. Sometimes I roll my eyes at his over the top verbiage, but invariably he words something in a way that knocks me down. I am a lover of words. So is he.
And U2 gave me John O'Donahue. Irish poet. Whose words I am consuming voraciously. I just bought a book of his poetry which will arrive this week. Cannot wait to get my hands on it.
THE POINT:
The next 4 months will probably be the toughest of my life. The most stressful. The most consequential.
I don't know what to expect. I won't know until I am actually experiencing it. I have been reading up on all this, but besides educating me it scares the hell out of me. Side effects, man. "This shit could happen to you........."
Some of it will, some of it won't. But the possibilities are overwhelming.
I start hormone therapy on Tuesday. There are definite side effects from that. I will have to wait and see and then deal with it. That's a 2 month sentence.
Then radiation. For 9 weeks. Dr. Feelgood downplayed the side effects - I don't believe him. But I hope he's right.
Started exercising for real this weekend. Went food shopping and we went heavily low carb. My plan is to throw myself into this like McConaughey would. I am going to hit the ground running on Tuesday and hope for the best. And when I am driving home from hormone therapy and radiation treatments I will be blasting U2 on my radio.
Don't know where this is going to lead. Could be the beginning of some nasty stuff. Maybe they can't cure the cancer. Maybe I am in for a long stretch of misery.
Could be I come out of this with a smile. Step into a vaccinated world in health and happiness. That would be fucking amazing. Talk about party time! Here's hoping.
Right now I am nervous. Nervous because the only thing in my head is theories and hypotheses and maybes. Tuesday it will begin to be real.
I intend to summon all the strength that I have. Physically and mentally. But that might not be enough.
But I have Matthew McConaughey's words and U2's music in my back pocket. For support. For inspiration.
I know that sounds ridiculous. But it is real to me. Very real.
There is something going on here spiritually and I am going to grab onto it with ferocious intent.
"I finally found my real name
I won't be me when you see me again
No, I won't be my father's son
I'm more than you know
I'm more than you see here
More than you let me be
I'm more than you know
A body in a soul
You don't see me but you will
I am not invisible"
"Invisible, by U2
Maka gets all the love one cat can handle.
I kiss her head, I pick her up and hug her, I pat her, I talk to her. She is an affectionate cat who gives love and soaks up the love she receives.
She is in my lap every morning (except Thursdays and Fridays - I HATE those mornings). She is in my lap every night. In fact she is pretty much in my lap any time I am in my recliner.
I stroke her when she is in my lap. Lightly touch her head. Many times she will twist her head around and lick my fingers. I love that. Sometimes she just lifts her head and licks my fingers even if I don't stroke her. I LOVE that.
Sometimes I exercise restraint. I just look at her, recognizing we don't always need physical contact to express our love. It takes self control for me to pull that off.
She is content sitting in my lap feeling safe and loved and warm, I am content to have her sitting in my lap enjoying the purity of our relationship. The love is palpable.
Those moments are magic.
