TRY HARDER!

 F: "Afraid? AFRAID? Afraid of what, for Christ sake? Be a man. Grow some balls. Do what you gotta do, and then maybe you can hang some mirrors back up on the wall. Jesus!"

J: "But, F..........."

F: "Don't "but" me. Don't whine. Jesus, what a pantywaist. Do you want to die suffocated under a mountain of regret? You gotta get a job? You need more money? You got a million options if you would just open up your mind. Just do it."

J: "I'm trying, but it's not easy."

F: "Not easy? NOT EASY? Life is not easy. It's not supposed to be. You gotta fight your way through it to get what you want. That's how you earn respect. TRY HARDER!"

J: "I'm old, nobody wants to give me a job. It's not fair."

F: "Oh, for fuck's sake. Give you a job? Just take it. Go out and get it. Lie, cheat, steal - write up a phony resume, there are no rules any more. Lying is our new national past-time so jump in with both feet."

J: "I'm not sure I can do that."

F: "The president of the United States just lied his way into the job for the second time. The fucking president! If he can get away with that, you can lie your way into some manager job that pays $75K. Kill your conscience and you can accomplish anything."

J: "You know, you might have a point."

F: "Of course I have a point. Look, man - if you ever want to get out of that Hyundai and into a Lincoln, if you want to buy nice clothes, if you want to vacation in Ibiza, if you want to spoil your wife, if you want fucking respect! - you gotta get tough. You gotta fight. Fuck everybody else and fuck the rules. You're too damn sensitive."

J: "Fuck it. I'm doing it. I got nothing to lose. Just thinking about it gets my testosterone flowing. Shit, man - I feel more manly already."

F: "There you go. I knew you had it in you. You'll learn quick, the more you screw people the easier it gets. Who knows, maybe you'll get rich."

J: "I like the sound of that. All right, I'm hitting the road, man."

J leaves the bar.

F turns to the bartender and says "Can you put that on my tab, Frank? I'm a little short right now."

Graveyard Shift

 There are a few people I know, that if I even think about them at all, my only thought is that I would definitely make the time to go to their funeral.

Monday

 Monday carries with it the crushing weight of reality.

Defending Your Life

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

So Much More Than This

"We had an apartment in the city and me and Loretta liked living there. Well, it'd been years since the kids had grown, a life of their own and left us alone.

John and Linda live in Omaha, and Joe is somewhere on the road. We lost Davy in the Korean war, and I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore.

You know that old trees just grow stronger, and old rivers grow wilder every day. Old people just grow lonesome, waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello".

Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more, she sits and stares through the back door screen. And all the news just repeats itself, like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.

Some day I'll go and call up Rudy, we worked together at the factory. But what could I say if he asks "What's new?" "Nothin', what's with you? Nothin' much to do."

You know that old trees just grow stronger, and old rivers grow wilder every day. Old people just grow lonesome, waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello".

So if you're walkin' down the street sometime, and spot some hollow, ancient eyes, please don't just pass 'em by and stare, as if you didn't care. Say "Hello in there, hello."

Hello in There, John Prine

I have so much more than this, for which I am enormously grateful.

But I am 71. Sometime in the future, Carol will die and I'll live alone, or I will die and Carol will live alone. Before that, we most likely will go downhill health-wise and life will get a lot harder.

If I don't make the right moves in the chaos that is America right now, we could end up in a lot of trouble. We have very little financial security.

I am afraid. These are the thoughts going through my head and I can't shut them down.

I have stumbled through every crossroads in my life, taking the wrong direction or no direction. This is my last chance to get it right, and my track record gives me no confidence that I can do what needs to be done. That I can actually pull this off.

This is not how I want to spend my old age, but you reap what you sow.

I want to leave Carol some comfort. I'll never be able to make enough money for her to be worry-free - it's too late for that now, I blew it. The most I can do is pad the bank account as much as I am able to so she has a softer landing. Our sons will always be there for her after the cushion is gone, no worries there.

It's a heavy load. I gotta make better decisions, I gotta believe in myself. No more prostrating myself for chump change like I have been doing for the last 10 years; I can do better. I have been trying, but so far no good.

I am trying to do it with dignity. Trying to get into something that will challenge me, make use of whatever talents I have, and make me feel proud. I owe that to myself.

I am also trying hard to appreciate what we have now, instead of killing happiness with worry. Contrary to the way I have lived my life up to this point. We are OK right now. Our life is good. Pretty peaceful. We are happy, we have each other. We have a loving family, and we have the extraordinary gift of Jackson. I am becoming more aware of how lucky I am and it feels good.

Still, I am afraid. There are days when I sit in front of the computer with grand designs, job hunting, and end up walking away defeated. Despondent. But I will not give up. Honestly I want to find some success for myself so my family can say "Wow, he really changed in the last ten years of his life. He finally showed what he was capable of." More importantly, much more importantly, I want Carol to have as little to worry about as possible.

I don't want to end up with hollow, ancient eyes. I hope to get through this with a spark in my eyes. Some life. 

A hint of a smile.

History indicates..................

 "The depths of human depravity are astounding, but the mind is resilient, though the soul is always in danger."

From The Maze, by Nelson DeMille

TB

 Whenever I am really fucking pissed off and I don't know what to do, I wonder.....

What would Travis Bickle do?