What are you looking for?
Too late for redemption, don't you think? Ten tons of regret is a bit much to get out from under, and karma would probably sabotage the effort anyway.
Self-actualization. You can't deal with everyone else until you deal with you. Enemies outside, an enemy within. But the walls you built are high and wrapped in barbed wire. Words that haunt: "When there's no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm."
Where you gonna go, Monkey Joe?
Absolute truth. Too pure - it would kill you. An enormous shock to the system, because your soul is buried under a mountain of pretense. Safer to stay the ragged course.
Respect. That is laughable. You have to earn respect, but time is short and you are weak. Condescending opinions of you are set in stone, and reinforced by you every day, in every conversation and every situation. Trapped in your own sorrowful performance.
Pick another battle.
Happiness. Not when you're living someone else's life while yearning for your own. The most you can hope for is submission.
Where you gonna go, Monkey Joe?
Peace of mind. Noble. Also, unattainable, when you rail against your reality with every breath you take.
Love. It's there for the taking, there are people who love you. Don't you know? You take that love and twist it into something less, staring through a distorted lens. You are a starving dog, too beat down to crawl to a bowl of food two feet away.
Health. Who gives a shit.
Self-esteem. You have to know yourself to love yourself. It's much easier to hate the stranger you are.
Where you gonna go, Monkey Joe?
All the roads are closed.
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