Gonna Try

December 30 and December 31, 2019 - two fucking annoying, miserable days. How fitting.

Two days of non-stop ice and snow. I was fucking furious.

Two days that brought out the absolute worst in me to an exaggerated level. Two days that exposed the part of me I hate the most. The part of me I most want to repair starting in 2020.

So, in a way, I guess it was a good experience. At least to the extent that I am aware of this massive flaw in my character.

For context:  Snow and ice represent to me everything that is wrong with my life. Everything I hate about my life. I have made dealing with snow and ice the symbol of my unhappiness. So I react to them way out of proportion to what a normal person would do.

Didn't have to work Monday and Carol took the day off, but we still had to leave the house. I had dropped my car off on Sunday so it could undergo the annual inspection on Monday. We had to go pick it up. This was around noon.

My car is not great in the snow. I barely - barely - made it up the hill getting back home. And of course I had to shovel a little and clean off Carol's car before we left.

Overall I was pissed.

We spent the rest of the day lounging. Watched a terrible Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston movie. I mean terrible.

Went to bed knowing I had to work at Job 1 on Tuesday. Not knowing it would still be snowing when I got up. Looked out the window and my head exploded.

I shoveled a little and gave up because the snow was fucking heavy. Besides, we got a guy who we hired to shovel for us. I gotta get used to that. He did show up and did a great job. I cleaned off both cars, which wasn't easy either.

Carol decided to stay home from work; I decided to take her car because it is better in the snow. I got stuck in the driveway. Fucking car would not even move.

I lost it. My anger had been building for two days now. I stalked into the house, took off my jacket and flung it onto the floor. I took off my fleece jacket and flung that onto the floor. I threw my wallet onto the table and stomped upstairs to the bedroom.

I was literally almost hyperventilating.

In other words, I acted like a two year old child.

While I was doing this Carol calmly (although she slammed the French door on the way out) went out and shoveled the sand that was in her trunk under the tires and backed the car out of the spot.

She has dealt with this stupidity hundreds of times and basically walks around on eggshells until I calm the fuck down.

Know what bothered me the most? Maka was scared to death of me for about 15 minutes. After my tantrum, whenever I walked towards her she would duck under a chair or the bed or anything that would give her refuge from this maniac.

It broke my heart.

I need to grow up a little. Be more considerate of Carol. She does not deserve to see me this way. It creates so much tension.

Gonna try. Gonna try in 2020.