We Never Had A Chance

 "And the idea that you could make men equal just by saying it? Hell, it took only your first day in a Montana flop or standing over your mother's unmarked grave to know that equal was the one thing that all men were not. A few lived like kings, and the rest hugged the dirt until it cracked open and took them home."

From The Cold Millions, by Jess Walter

"I fell in love with my country - its rivers, prairies, forests, mountains cities, and people.............It could be a paradise on earth if it belonged to the people, not to a small owning class."

Elizabeth Gurley Flynn

We never had a chance. And by "we" I mean every person, not rich, who has ever called America home.

Money isn't everything? Are you fucking kidding me? Money is everything. Trying limping into old age with no money. Millions and millions of Americans are in that category. Millions are suffering, living in fear, stripped of pride.

Expanding on thoughts about this country, I've come across some points of view - in works of fiction - that make you consider what a dangerously fucked up country we live in and how very little we know about that truth.

One involved a group of rich and powerful men  -  ultra conservative - who despised liberals, and who also blamed Muslims for the decline of this country. They hatched a plan to detonate nuclear bombs in two liberal, American cities, knowing full well that Muslims would be blamed, resulting in retaliatory nuclear strikes by America in Islamic countries. The assumption being that if we wipe out Islam, we will be safe, thereby justifying the slaughter of American citizens.

Far fetched? Have you sensed or maybe even experienced, the intense hatred, man to man, that is drowning this country? That story line is extreme, but it or something equally as dangerous and cruel is not hard to believe. I believe there are millions of Americans willing to kill fellow Americans to get what they want.

Another story detailed an all encompassing plan by our enemies to disable this country in a coordinated series of attacks. On the power grid, violent attacks on say movie theaters or other public gathering places all at once across the country, sabotaging our food supply, spreading disease - again - all coordinated, all simultaneously across the country.

Far fetched? Some, or maybe all of it, has to be true.

Another idea is the fact that many obscenely rich people absolutely hate "poor" people. Despise them, laugh about them and at them, could care less if they suffer or die and are dedicated to keeping poor folk "in their place." I believe that too.

Interestingly, I have two close friends and a brother who beat the system - who won at life - who are living comfortably above the fray. Very comfortably. $. They are all set. They earned that peace of mind, they deserve it. But even though I am surrounded by financially successful people, I believe it's the exception, not the rule. Most of us stumble around blindly until we inadvertently stagger into our graves.

Related point - The Desiderata says: "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." Those are wise words and pure truth. And although I believe in that wisdom, for some reason I cannot burn them into my brain, make them part of my overall philosophy.

The result? I am bitter, definitely not vain.

Fuck it.

Third Time's A Charm?

I snagged another psychologist. #3.

He's in for a wild ride, because I am committed to total honesty.

We had a Telehealth thing last Friday, kind of getting to know each other. He's an older gentleman (probably younger than me), but up in age. That's good because it means he partially understands the fears and thought processes of Elderly Joe. Kind of.

We chatted for an hour last week and I felt comfortable with him. That is key, because the woman I worked with a few years ago was touchy feely, which does me no good. And that was 100% Telehealth. The guy I worked with before was face to face, but if I told him I wanted to be THE PATS next QB he would have said "Great!"

As I said, I made up my mind to go full bore - total honesty about the fucked up shit that's in my head. That does not come naturally because I am Al Pacino. A deliberately made up character whose actions and words have been perfected over 50 years of playacting. And the poison in my head is totally corrosive - you don't know the half of it. So saying it out loud makes me sound like a complete fucking wreck. Which, of course, I am. I am fully committed to exposing every fucked up thought bouncing around in my head. 

We spoke comfortably; he asked a hell of a lot of questions and took a lot of notes. The conversation ranged from me to Carol to my sons to my father and mother, my grandfather, The Kid, friends; jobs, passions, fears, hopes, disappointments. He circled back around later in the conversation to make certain points based on stuff I told him earlier. That impressed me, because he was already working on my brain. And the points were good ones.

Got all that done in an hour.

I was comfortable enough to schedule another appointment, but I'm shaking things up. Gonna meet in his office, face to face, this coming Friday. I figure that will erase any Pacino shit. I was brutally honest through Telehealth, and I mean brutally, but still, it is not personal enough. I want him to look into my eyes, read my body language, to get a complete impression.

And face to face will make me nervous, which should cancel out any playacting. I really want this to work.

So here I go again. But with a lot more urgency this time around. A LOT. The spectre of Death is an amazing motivator. I need to get shit straight so I can get me some peace of mind. Be more honest with my family. And allow me to do what I got to do to protect me & Carol in this fucked up environment.

The hot breath of Regret, Failure & Shame is scorching my neck.

I am fucking sick of it.

When I'm done with this guy, he'll be an alcoholic. But by then I'll be fixed enough that I can counsel him.

Only seems fair.

And they're off..........................................

Why Not?

I am looking for part time work that pays a decent wage.

No more junior high school rates.

Troy Aikman is a dumb jock. Jim Rice barely speaks English.

Shouldn't one of those jobs be mine?

Nothing Else Left

I have failed. 

I have procrastinated, misjudged, mishandled; been shortsighted, hesitant, and afraid.

I have made bad decisions and non decisions. 

I have fucked up, then doubled down on it.  

I have sabotaged good situations and suffered needlessly through bad ones.

I have made every mistake a man can make.

There is only one outcome left.

Spectacular success.

The American Dream - George Carlin

 "But there's a reason. There's a reason. There's a reason for this, there's a reason education SUCKS, and it's the same reason it will never, ever, EVER be fixed.

It's never going to get any better, don't look for it, be happy with what you've got.

Because the owners, the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now, the BIG owners! The Wealthy.... the REAL owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions.

Forget the politicians. They are irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice, You have OWNERS! They OWN you. They OWN everything. They OWN all the important land. They OWN and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for, the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls.

They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying, to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I'll tell you what they don't want:

They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. That's against their interests.

That's right. They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don't want that.

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shitty jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They'll get it. They'll get it all from you sooner or later cause they own this fucking place! It's a big club, and you ain't in it! You, and I, are not in the big club.

By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table has tilted folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care! Good honest hard-working people; white collar, blue collar it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-working people continue, these are people of modest means, continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don't give a fuck about you...they don't give a fuck about you...they don't give a FUCK about you.

They don't care about you at all...at all...AT ALL. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That's what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes everyday, because the owners of this country know the truth.

It's called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

From George Carlin's HBO special Life Is Worth Losing in 2005. 2005!

And twenty years later..........................................

Never Get My Lincoln

I'll probably never get my Lincoln.

So here's what you do. When I die, take up a collection - buy me a Lincoln. Not a new one, for Christ sake - that would be stupid. Whatever you can afford with the money you collect, buy something that makes sense.

You can drive it right onto the lawn next to my house. The left side, if you are facing my house. Just drive it right on up there, and park it right in the middle between my house and the Farquahr's house. Equidistant. That's a cool word, don't you think? Park that sucker equidistant between my house and theirs.

Drag my body out of the house and, while you're at it, treat me whatever way you think I deserve. Kick me, slap me, piss on me. Kiss me, caress me, hug me. Smile, frown, laugh, cry.

Haul me right up into my precious Lincoln. Driver's seat. Sit me up behind the wheel. You might want to strap my hands to the wheel - I won't be too cooperative at that point.

Empty a 2 and 1/2 gallon can of gasoline into the back seat. Say a few words, or not, depending on the mood and the schedule of the crowd - they might have errands to run.

Drop a match and watch me and my Lincoln burn.

Don't worry about the raging flames encroaching (another good word) on the Farquahr's house - their life sucks anyway, they could use a solid insurance check.

When you are satisfied, go about your business.

And thanks.

Unatoned

"My father's house shines hard and bright

It stands like a beacon calling me in the night

Calling and calling, so cold and alone

Shining 'cross this dark highway where our sins lie unatoned"

From My Father's House, by Bruce Springsteen

Something most fathers and sons hope to avoid. Until reality burns them with the news that it is too late. Their intentions rot on the vine.