Go Ahead, Make Those Resolutions

 "Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account"

Oscar Wilde

Maybe, Just Maybe

Usually I slide ass down into the new year.

Kicking and screaming because I have accomplished nothing and expect to continue more of the same.

Birthday #72 is motivating me; Jackson is motivating me.....this/next year.

I believe I can get something done. Something to fatten my wallet and lessen my fears, something to bolster my ego, something to get me across the tipping point from depressed to happy.

Something to heal and release my soul to the world, which would be an explosion of enormous impact. My soul has never seen the light of day.

But really, we all got to get our shit together. The world becomes increasingly more depressing, dangerous, violent, vicious every second of every day, especially in this country.

All of these things are out of our control.

But we have family, we have friends. They are our security blanket. We got to cling to them, spend time with them, appreciate them for who they are - human beings who would never hurt us, people who defend us, people who love us. You cannot get that any other way or any other place.

My brain is being pried open through therapy and meditation and I am realizing that love for and from my family is powerful stuff. Life affirming. I am being swept into 2026 on a wave of gratitude for this amazing family, my family.

I am not asking that all people show a little love for each other. We are not evolved enough for that. In fact I believe we are regressing, cultivating more anger, jealousy and hatred daily.

Fucking sucks. Humans are petty and stupid. Shortsighted. We are all in the same boat, those of us without financial independence, we all share the same burdens so we should all be brothers and sisters. But that has never been the way and never will be the way.

I'm just riffing here, layering my emotions, hopes and dreams on you, for what that's worth. My life certainly does not justify me giving advice. But I do think if people focus more on the bond of family in these sad and troubling times, maybe it can soften the jagged edges the world wields as weapons. Maybe it will soften the focus, or sharpen the perspective a bit.

You have to find a way to be happy or you might as well be dead.

I have no clue, really. I am not 100% convinced that I can pull this off.

But it feels good thinking that maybe I can.

There Are Limits

I'll be making some changes.

Less whining and complaining is a great place to start. That is my promise to you.

I complain a lot. Have you noticed? No? I get it, I am kind of subtle. But I let things get to me and, instead of seeking solutions, I whine. It's a ploy to invite empathy. The good thing is, it's hard to mistake condescension for empathy. So I'm not completely out of control.

So I'm cutting back on money worries. I mean, I still need a boost to my income, and I'll still worry, but there's no reason to whine about it - everybody has money worries. I looked into employment at crematoriums, but that hasn't panned out yet. 603 Cremations looks promising and it's right down the street, so you never know. I am a master interviewee - I can lie with the best of them. I'll find a way to hose piles of money into our account, somehow, someway.

I won't whine about my gut. I've been sick since December 9, still am - haven't exercised once during that period. Usually I work out 5 times a week. Gained a little weight. But, you know, I lost 18 pounds after knee replacement, mostly do to my impressive dedication to post surgery workouts. Right now I only have to lose 4 or 5 pounds, so I will get it done. I'm not ascared. In the meantime, we have pecan pie leftover from Christmas - hot damn!

I won't whine about my Hyundai, even though it doesn't impress anybody, including me. In fact when I drive down the road, street urchins throw oranges at it. I lust after my Lincoln; who knows, maybe I'll be driving one at the end of next year. Could happen.

I won't whine about my landlord. I mean, he's a prick, no doubt. Screwing us royally. I have a voodoo doll of the fucking prick and I am jabbing that thing with sewing needles hoping that he will get sent to prison and lose his entire fortune. But we love it here. Love it. So, either we find a way or we move, and I do not want to move ever again. We will triumph and he will be buying flannel shirts at Goodwill. 

I won't whine about my job. It's pathetic and an embarrassment to me, but it's a mile down the road and easy as hell. No pressure. It brings in enough money to buy a couple of tins of Spam every week, so I guess it's better than nothing. I will score a better paying job and my ego will be stroked, but until then, I'll keep reporting for duty with the rest of the girls, for a grueling two days a week.

I draw the line at winter. I need something to hate. Something to complain about. I fucking hate winter. Always have. This winter already sucks; we've had a lot of cold and enough snow for me to throw several tantrums. And I will continue to do so. Every time it snows I'm going to whine like a bitch, loudly and endlessly. Every time I have to wear 6 layers of clothes to leave the house, I'm going to throw things against the wall, then pick them up.

So cut me some slack, give me some room. I will direct all my anger and hatred and frustrations, all my whining, towards winter. Viciously and consistently. In the meantime, I will honour my promise in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach.

Good enough for you?

Christmas

Perfection.

We enjoyed a perfect Christmas this year and my soul is much healthier because of it.

I have been in a remarkable Christmas mood during the month of December. My heart has been wide open, flooding my senses with emotions over many different things for many different reasons. Alive. I have been feeling alive and in touch with life.

We did the Christmas lights thing with Amanda, Craig & Jackson, and it was spectacular. Went out for dinner afterwards and had fun.

I went to Christmas Eve mass with Craig and it was humbling, thought-provoking, and beautiful. Afterwards, Carol and I spent a chunk of Christmas Eve at Craig & Amanda's home. It was a blast, Jackson was still up.

Spent Christmas Day at Craig & Amanda's home, made even more special because Keith & Krista were there. We don't see enough of them because they live at least a million miles away. (That will change in 2026 - not the distance, but the frequency of visits - Carol and I are committed to being less lazy).

My brother Ed was there on Christmas Day. Always a treat because he is a very special person and I love and respect him. Unfortunately, Carolina could not make it because she is not feeling well. She is a fun and positive force; she was greatly missed.

Scott The Towlemeister even made an evening appearance. He and I had a great conversation in the kitchen.

So Christmas Day was me, Carol, Craig, Amanda, Jackson, Murray, Ed, Keith, Krista, and Scott. I defy you to come up with a more stunning lineup.

This Christmas was exactly what Christmas should be. 

The overflow of joy and happiness is keeping me buoyant even today. I am in such a good mood Carol does not even recognize me. 

She walked out of the bedroom this morning, saw a body in my recliner and immediately reached for the baseball bat she keeps tucked behind the bedroom door. She advanced towards me in a menacing manner until she suddenly stopped and said "Is that you Joe? Holy shit, you look so happy."

I love my family with all my heart. I love my extended family deeply as well. I would name them but I know I'll leave someone out.

I am deeply appreciative of the happiness Carol and I experienced during this Christmas season.

I have my family to thank for that.

If Only

"How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes"

 From Shakespeare, As You Like It

My shrink needs a sledgehammer if he is ever to break through my twisted thought processes.

I am bitter. I often look into happiness through Ed's, Phil's or Dave's eyes. Actually, I obsess about it. Because these are three major people in my life. Important people to me. They are all successful financially, and that kind of success, that level of security, is something I don't have. So I worry about it, stress about it, and regret the underachievement that is my life. 

Talking to the shrink about this, about how I feel like a lesser man around these three. He asks - "Have they ever said anything to make you feel inferior?" My answer - "No." He asks - "Have you ever picked up on a vibe that they look down on you?" My answer - "No. Definitely not." I say "I just don't understand why they even spend any time with me." He says "Did it ever occur to you that they like or love you simply for who you are?"

I tell him I am eternally uncomfortable around Carol because I know if I had achieved more in my life, her life would be more comfortable. I don't understand how she could possibly still love me, after 47 years of me letting her down financially. He asks "Does she ever complain about her life with you?" My answer - "No. Never." He asks - "Is she happy or unhappy with her life?" My answer - "She is happy." He says "Did it ever occur to you that she loves you simply for who you are?"

I tell him I would have been a better father to my sons if I was proud of my own life, if I had been happy through and through. He asks "Have your sons ever told you they were disappointed in the type of father you were or are?" My answer - "No. Never." He asks "Have you ever picked up on a vibe that they don't love and respect you?" My answer - "No. Definitely not." He says "Did it ever occur to you that they love you simply for who you are?"

It feels like there is a common thread running through our conversations, a warped perspective to the way I think. Something a little bit off the mark that is causing me great unhappiness.

If only I could figure out what that is.

Me & You vs The World

Been in a pretty good Christmas mood this year.

Could be the Jackson effect.

There are years when I don't give a shit, years when I think the whole thing is a joke. The years I am into it are the best.

I was cruising along fat, dumb, and happy, until students were slaughtered at Brown University, Jewish people were slaughtered on Bondi Beach in Australia, and Rob and Michelle Reiner were slaughtered by their own son. Boom, boom, boom - just like that.

Hard to make merry when there is so much violence and hatred in the world, and it is always IN YOUR FACE. You cannot get away from it. Day after fucking day.

I was down for a while there, feeling bruised as an embarrassed member of the human race.

Then came the realization - this is what Christmas is for. We all need to escape from our lives and this nasty world we live in, even if it's only for a couple of weeks. A month if you include Thanksgiving.

Getting together with family, laughing over dinner, bedazzled by Christmas lights and serenaded with Christmas music, inspired by the hope of New Year - these things refresh your soul, allow it to breathe in something other than poison.

We all need this, and we need to make it genuine. Don't fake it - feel it.

So I am feeling happy again. I have a magical family and magnificent friends - I am lucky considering my naturally churlish nature.

Kidding - I am likeable. Maybe even, in a stretch, loveable.

The only thing that cannot be debated is that I am lucky.

And I know it.

Meditation Perfected

Here's how I do it.

I repair to my room, gently close the door behind me, sit in my office chair, and dial up sounds of the Irish Coast. This is all so I can drown out the hideous sound of MSNBC, which Carol watches 28 hours/day.

Do I really believe I am listening to waves breaking on the coast of Ireland? Of course not. It's probably a recording of some jerkoff slapping water in his overfilled bathtub while he watches reruns of Beavis and Butt-head on his laptop while sucking on a joint.

I don't care. It sounds like waves breaking on the beach, it sounds magnificent, and it soothes my troubled soul.

I begin chanting my mantra in my head. My mantra is a work horse because my brain never shuts up and never shuts down. If I sit for twenty minutes I probably get three minutes of true meditation. But I will get to where I want to be. Count on that.

Many times Patsy follows me into the room. And that, my friends, is the icing on the cake. Because she will jump into my lap and give me all her love, full force. The most powerful love there is because she does not know I am an idiot. And she never will.

She stretches out across my thighs.

So, waves are gently breaking on the Irish Coast and I am silencing my thoughts. I reach down and run my hand across Patsy's back, eyes closed, and an overwhelming feeling of peace anesthetizes the pain in my brain.

The effect is stunning.

There is nothing better.