Answer Me For Christ Sake

 Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hostility

 You gotta be kidding me. You're working two part time jobs? At your age? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Everyone you respect is retired, and a lot of fools you don't respect too. Just retire, man. If they do it, you can do it too. It is time to chill, baby - you earned the right.

What do you mean you need the money? How can that be? You've been working for 50 years - FIFTY FUCKING YEARS! You must have put a couple of bucks away here and there. A 401K? Something?

NO? Shit, man I am sad to hear that. Yeah, I know you're sad too, I get it, it has got to suck. Yeah, I know - really, really sad. But there has to be a solution other than working four days a week, instead of sitting home with your feet up and a smile on your face.

What's that? I don't know, for Christ sake, it's not my job to solve your problems. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, bit I really don't know what to tell you.

How's your head? Are you OK? Alright, alright - you don't have to yell at me. I'm sorry that you are so sad, and so fucking mad. But you're doing what you have to do. Doesn't that give you any satisfaction?

It only embarrasses you? I guess I get that. You think your family and friends should have a reason to look up to you, and you feel like they don't. Like working two menial jobs makes you look like a loser.

Well, I don't know, man - they are supposed to love you. They probably do. Don't you think they won't judge you?

Oh, it doesn't matter what they say, it matters what they know. I don't know, man - I think you're being too harsh on yourself.

I know you're not having fun, I know you just want to be happy, I know you just want some peace before you die. You'll get there. Keep fighting.

OK. I give up. I'm not gonna change your mind, there is too much anger getting in the way.

Listen, man - let's grab a couple of beers and watch some football. You'd rather drink alone? That's not healthy, man. What? You say you're going to think things over? I think you're going to drink alone in the dark and feel sorry for yourself. If you kill your soul you'll kill yourself, you know. You gotta get over this.

OK, OK I am out of here. Will I see you tomorrow?

No guarantees - what kind of answer is that? I fucking love you, man - remember that.

Well fuck you too.

The Best You Can Hope For

 "Papa, when they put the dirt on my grave, crumble a crust of bread on it so the sparrows will come, and I'll hear that they've come and be glad that I'm not lying alone."

From A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles

When I read that sentence, I had to stop to catch my breath. It's heavy. It is not a bad thing to think about the fact that you're going to die. The finality. The fulfillment of the statement that we are born alone and will die alone.

Especially at my age. Shit, man - every time I look in the mirror, death stares back at me and asks - "Are you ready?" I hesitate..... then answer "Fuck no - I am not ready to give up." And it's true. Sometimes I think it would be a relief to get the fuck out of here, get it over with, stop the struggle and disappointment. But I'm too damn pretty. Kidding. I got unfinished business. My soul is so unfulfilled that it squirms around in there making me very uncomfortable. And an unfulfilled soul looking for a place to land in the universe is bound to make a bad choice.

Keith keeps me going, Craig keeps me going, Krista keeps me going, Amanda keeps me going, JACKSON keeps me going, Ed keeps me going, Carolina keeps me going, CAROL keeps me going (I love her so much).

But beyond that, there is me. The guy that has been slithering through life with no purpose, no commitment, no inspiration. It has drained me, but it has not destroyed me. If I see Death coming before I set things straight it WILL destroy me. Then it will kill me as if it is squashing an insignificant bug.

I want more than that. I am a better man than I have shown the world.

I have to prove it.

I Finally Get It

 "Today's rain is tomorrow's whiskey."

Scottish Proverb

 

Now I understand why every single time it rains - every fucking time - someone has to say "We really need the rain".

Simply Said

 "You do realize we annoyed the average American into fascism"

Marc Maron from his latest special, Panicked.

That is fucking hilarious and it's true. 

Annoyed them, poked and prodded them, tried to dictate what they could say and couldn't say, could do and couldn't do - tell them how to live. Not a good approach for encouraging peaceful co-existence.

Marc's audience is ultra liberal. I love the man but I'm no longer ultra liberal - I am a thinking liberal or a liberal realist. 

I love him because he is so open and vulnerable, he is intelligent, he overcame alcoholism and drug addiction, and he is a whiner - like me. The difference is, I whine and it comes across as weakness. He whines but he makes it funny. Because he has deep points of reference, tons of life experience, and is well read.

"We annoyed the average American into fascism." It's true. Liberals went way too far pushing their approach to life down everybody else's throat. 

Many years ago I began to see the stupidity of how some of what liberals think is, and I mocked it. Shook my head and said "That ain't me." But I did not realize the deep seated hatred the right had for these points of view.

The backlash blows me away because it is so vicious, violent, juvenile, and outright fucking stupid. Which greased the skids for a dicktator to move right on into the white house, with the ultimate goal of painting the place gold - inside and out.

Fucking amazing.

The lesson? Don't annoy everyone. Try to get along. Reason with them if they are open-minded, be open-minded yourself, avoid them if they are small-minded, then laugh behind their back. 

The Irony of It All

I have lost years worrying about minutes.

Now my life is measured out in seconds.

Sensible

 "The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it."

Winston Churchill