Working pretty hard. "I got blisters on my fingers!!!!"
I am digging through shit two feet deep to get to my soul.
Here's why.
"The soul does not love. It is love itself.
It does not exist. It is existence itself.
It does not know. It is knowledge itself."
From How To Know God, by Deepak Chopra
If I ever come face to face with my soul, my transformation will be complete. You probably won't recognize me right away.
But you might respect me a little more.
Todd stumbled out of his decrepit house, down the rotting stairs, tripped and fell face first into the snow.
He stood with fists clenched at his sides and screamed like the lunatics used to when asylums were in vogue. Then he picked up the gun he dropped and continued across the yard towards his truck.
His next door neighbor, Myrna, walked out onto her deck and called "Hey Todd, what's happening, man?"
Todd whirled and shot her in the face.
Then he started dancing in the snow, a madman's dance, jerking around like a drunken marionette. Shouting "I did it. I finally did it. They can't take it away from me. I got proof. They call me a loser but they're full of shit. I showed 'em today. I won. I'm a winner. A winner!"
Todd turned and headed back towards his house, slipping, sliding, and giggling like a child.
It was a very good day.
"What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for."
Irish Proverb
This is an entirely reasonable proverb, spoken by a hearty civilization that has done the homework.
Let's face it - vodka drinkers are pretentious, sipping their cocktails with pinky finger raised. And they are sneaks - smuggling nips into work so they can drink on the job, on the premise the boss will smell nothing on their breath (I know - I've been doing it for decades, even though I'd much prefer to smuggle whiskey).
Tequila drinkers are insane. Tequila is liquid heroin. I love the stuff but I can't drink it because one drink leads to another until I am passed out on the floor with my pants around my ankles.
But whiskey drinkers, well, we are merely pursuing health. A cure for a cold, or the flu, or a bad marriage, or a shit-ass job, or a broken down car.
Yeah, baby - whiskey drinkers got, well, wisdom.
"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account"
Oscar Wilde
Usually I slide ass down into the new year.
Kicking and screaming because I have accomplished nothing and expect to continue more of the same.
Birthday #72 is motivating me; Jackson is motivating me.....this/next year.
I believe I can get something done. Something to fatten my wallet and lessen my fears, something to bolster my ego, something to get me across the tipping point from depressed to happy.
Something to heal and release my soul to the world, which would be an explosion of enormous impact. My soul has never seen the light of day.
But really, we all got to get our shit together. The world becomes increasingly more depressing, dangerous, violent, vicious every second of every day, especially in this country.
All of these things are out of our control.
But we have family, we have friends. They are our security blanket. We got to cling to them, spend time with them, appreciate them for who they are - human beings who would never hurt us, people who defend us, people who love us. You cannot get that any other way or any other place.
My brain is being pried open through therapy and meditation and I am realizing that love for and from my family is powerful stuff. Life affirming. I am being swept into 2026 on a wave of gratitude for this amazing family, my family.
I am not asking that all people show a little love for each other. We are not evolved enough for that. In fact I believe we are regressing, cultivating more anger, jealousy and hatred daily.
Fucking sucks. Humans are petty and stupid. Shortsighted. We are all in the same boat, those of us without financial independence, we all share the same burdens so we should all be brothers and sisters. But that has never been the way and never will be the way.
I'm just riffing here, layering my emotions, hopes and dreams on you, for what that's worth. My life certainly does not justify me giving advice. But I do think if people focus more on the bond of family in these sad and troubling times, maybe it can soften the jagged edges the world wields as weapons. Maybe it will soften the focus, or sharpen the perspective a bit.
You have to find a way to be happy or you might as well be dead.
I have no clue, really. I am not 100% convinced that I can pull this off.
But it feels good thinking that maybe I can.
I'll be making some changes.
Less whining and complaining is a great place to start. That is my promise to you.
I complain a lot. Have you noticed? No? I get it, I am kind of subtle. But I let things get to me and, instead of seeking solutions, I whine. It's a ploy to invite empathy. The good thing is, it's hard to mistake condescension for empathy. So I'm not completely out of control.
So I'm cutting back on money worries. I mean, I still need a boost to my income, and I'll still worry, but there's no reason to whine about it - everybody has money worries. I looked into employment at crematoriums, but that hasn't panned out yet. 603 Cremations looks promising and it's right down the street, so you never know. I am a master interviewee - I can lie with the best of them. I'll find a way to hose piles of money into our account, somehow, someway.
I won't whine about my gut. I've been sick since December 9, still am - haven't exercised once during that period. Usually I work out 5 times a week. Gained a little weight. But, you know, I lost 18 pounds after knee replacement, mostly do to my impressive dedication to post surgery workouts. Right now I only have to lose 4 or 5 pounds, so I will get it done. I'm not ascared. In the meantime, we have pecan pie leftover from Christmas - hot damn!
I won't whine about my Hyundai, even though it doesn't impress anybody, including me. In fact when I drive down the road, street urchins throw oranges at it. I lust after my Lincoln; who knows, maybe I'll be driving one at the end of next year. Could happen.
I won't whine about my landlord. I mean, he's a prick, no doubt. Screwing us royally. I have a voodoo doll of the fucking prick and I am jabbing that thing with sewing needles hoping that he will get sent to prison and lose his entire fortune. But we love it here. Love it. So, either we find a way or we move, and I do not want to move ever again. We will triumph and he will be buying flannel shirts at Goodwill.
I won't whine about my job. It's pathetic and an embarrassment to me, but it's a mile down the road and easy as hell. No pressure. It brings in enough money to buy a couple of tins of Spam every week, so I guess it's better than nothing. I will score a better paying job and my ego will be stroked, but until then, I'll keep reporting for duty with the rest of the girls, for a grueling two days a week.
I draw the line at winter. I need something to hate. Something to complain about. I fucking hate winter. Always have. This winter already sucks; we've had a lot of cold and enough snow for me to throw several tantrums. And I will continue to do so. Every time it snows I'm going to whine like a bitch, loudly and endlessly. Every time I have to wear 6 layers of clothes to leave the house, I'm going to throw things against the wall, then pick them up.
So cut me some slack, give me some room. I will direct all my anger and hatred and frustrations, all my whining, towards winter. Viciously and consistently. In the meantime, I will honour my promise in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach.
Good enough for you?
Perfection.
We enjoyed a perfect Christmas this year and my soul is much healthier because of it.
I have been in a remarkable Christmas mood during the month of December. My heart has been wide open, flooding my senses with emotions over many different things for many different reasons. Alive. I have been feeling alive and in touch with life.
We did the Christmas lights thing with Amanda, Craig & Jackson, and it was spectacular. Went out for dinner afterwards and had fun.
I went to Christmas Eve mass with Craig and it was humbling, thought-provoking, and beautiful. Afterwards, Carol and I spent a chunk of Christmas Eve at Craig & Amanda's home. It was a blast, Jackson was still up.
Spent Christmas Day at Craig & Amanda's home, made even more special because Keith & Krista were there. We don't see enough of them because they live at least a million miles away. (That will change in 2026 - not the distance, but the frequency of visits - Carol and I are committed to being less lazy).
My brother Ed was there on Christmas Day. Always a treat because he is a very special person and I love and respect him. Unfortunately, Carolina could not make it because she is not feeling well. She is a fun and positive force; she was greatly missed.
Scott The Towlemeister even made an evening appearance. He and I had a great conversation in the kitchen.
So Christmas Day was me, Carol, Craig, Amanda, Jackson, Murray, Ed, Keith, Krista, and Scott. I defy you to come up with a more stunning lineup.
This Christmas was exactly what Christmas should be.
The overflow of joy and happiness is keeping me buoyant even today. I am in such a good mood Carol does not even recognize me.
She walked out of the bedroom this morning, saw a body in my recliner and immediately reached for the baseball bat she keeps tucked behind the bedroom door. She advanced towards me in a menacing manner until she suddenly stopped and said "Is that you Joe? Holy shit, you look so happy."
I love my family with all my heart. I love my extended family deeply as well. I would name them but I know I'll leave someone out.
I am deeply appreciative of the happiness Carol and I experienced during this Christmas season.
I have my family to thank for that.
