Wednesday, September 27, 2017

A Question (Maybe An Answer)

"Could it be that this is all there is?
 Could it be there's nothing more at all?
 Save some time to dream,
'Cause your dream could save us all"

"Save Some Time To Dream", John Mellencamp

Fascinating Word

Anhedonia: Loss of the capacity to experience pleasure. The inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences. Anhedonia is a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses.

To Pretend

Yes baby I been drinkin'
And I shouldn't come by I know
But I found myself in trouble
And I had nowhere else to go
Got some whisky from the barman
Got some cocaine from a friend
I just had to keep on movin'
Til I was back in your arms again
Guilty baby I'm guilty
And I'll be guilty the rest of my life
How come I never do what I'm supposed to do
How come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right?
You know you know how it is with me baby
You know, I just can't stand myself
And it takes a whole lot of medicine
For me to pretend that I'm somebody else

"Guilty" by Randy Newman


The Wrong Shape

Sometimes you are forced to wrap your head around so much fucking negativity that it just doesn't work.

It doesn't fit. It is the wrong shape. Your mind isn't flexible enough because it is grounded in unrealistic beliefs birthed from a perspective that says life just isn't this fucking cruel.

But it is.

Life is as cruel as it gets.

And if you want to stay alive, you gotta roll with it. You gotta fight against this sudden unpredictability that pounds you like a heavyweight champ relentlessly working the body, with an occasional hook to the head.

A punch that drops you to your knees. A punch that drops you but, against all odds and knowing you will probably get dropped again, you get up and lean into the wind.

Sometimes that is what life becomes. Sometimes, suddenly, that is how life is defined.

Life seems so much smaller then. So limited.

You stagger one step to another wondering what is the limit and what is the point.

You create new perspectives that once would have been foreign to you.

And this is what you now must live with.

Your mind shrinks in horror.


Thursday, September 21, 2017

How Life Works (It Shouldn't Be This Way)

Got some thoughts crawling around in my skull.

Emotions and thoughts. A combo deal. Two for $9.99

Life is a bizarre and unforgiving little animal.

You get yourself married up and that is a pretty cool deal. Bump into this person you pledge to spend the rest of your life with. A term, by the way, that is a lot deeper and has a lot more meaning when you are 63 than when you are 24.

The marriage thing is fun, though - a new life. First apartment, and you got yourself a motorcycle, the wife drives a gorgeous and wicked Trans Am.

Then there is the first house and then...........................first kid.

Holy shit - a kid. What a change. What euphoria.

Things are moving forward. Your life is ever changing.

Second kid. The connections grow solid and emotions run deep. Emotions you never had before but feel exactly right.

Second house. 100 miles north in a pristine and bucolic setting.

You know you are doing the right things. You feel good.

The kids keep you occupied and entertained for 20 years or so and you are appreciative of the intense love they inspire in you.

They move out.

Now it is the two of you. And the cats.

Life settles into a dull hum. You don't have enough money to make your life interesting; can't travel, can't buy expensive toys - you become complacent.

You get bored; you wonder what the hell the point of this is.

Then the docs find a tumor in your wife's head. And, just for good measure and within a week - she is diagnosed with breast cancer.

You are in the hospital. They are prepping your wife for a mastectomy. They have to insert dye into her breast so they can check her lymph nodes during surgery. They warn her it will hurt.

She moans loudly during the first injection as she squeezes your hand. They have to do it two more times.

The second time she screams. She fucking screams in pain and all you can do is hold her hand. She screams so loudly the attendant who monitored her during the fucking four hour wait for surgery rushes into the room to try and comfort her.

You do not even remember how she reacted to the third shot.

5 and 1/2 hours later the surgery is done. Everything went well.

4 hours after that you are heading home. After seeing your wife in recovery, after seeing her transported into her room, after dialing up The Sox on TV and watching it with her as she fades in and out.

You go home. Alone. The cats say hi. You sit down with some food and a beer.

You realize that the love for your wife, the love that lay dormant for so long, or at least it felt that way, has come raging back.

With a vengeance.

Suddenly you understand what this whole marriage thing is about. The weight of it. The value of it.

The amazing fact of sharing a life together for 39 years.

And counting.

Now you wait. Wait for her to fully heal so they can then remove the tumor from her head.

Your guts are twisted into a vicious little knot; your heart aches.

And none of that means anything.

Because she is the one who is truly suffering. The one who has had her life turned upside down, the one forced to let go of her dignity as she is poked and prodded. She is the one forced to confront things no human being should ever have to confront.

The physical nature of it all. And the thoughts.

She is a warrior. That is to her benefit. She is a fighter and a positive thinker.

You have to keep moving forward. Together. To get through this thing and come out the other side.

Changed. With a completely different perspective.

Just like that.

Uncharacteristically, you suspect you will have the strength to help her through this.

And the love.