Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Thanksgiving 2017 (and the little things)

On Friday night, November 10, Carol and I and the cats shared a bed together for the first time since November 1. Unfuckingbelievably comforting.

Carol and I spent November 1 in a dingy hotel in Lebanon, NH. Complete with rats and cockroaches, hookers roaming the hallways and tequila flowing out of the bathroom tap.

Had to get up at 4:30 the following morning to get to Dartmouth-Hitchcock on time for two surgeons to spend 7 and 1/2 hours inside my wife's head. While I read and paced and slept and ate. Waiting for the fucking buzzer in my pocket to go off alerting me that it was time to meet with the surgeons as I held my breath.

Between November 2 and November 5, I spent 2 nights at home and 1 night in the hospital. I would get home around 9 or 10 at night, stay up until midnight or 1, get up at 6, head back to the hospital.

The cats were confused.

Carol came home on November 5 and had to sleep on the couch because she could not make it up and down the stairs. She chose the couch, I am not that much of an asshole. I slept in the spare room directly across from the couch to keep an eye on her.

Until Friday night November 10, when Carol decided she had had enough. I helped her upstairs and into bed. When I came out of the bathroom, both cats were sitting up at the end of the bed as if they were not sure things were back to normal. I looked at Carol curled up on her side, looked back at the cats, and a big, goofy smile spread across my face, even as a couple of tears wet my cheeks.

It's the little things, folks. It is the little things.

That was my first Thanksgiving this year. The second one came when Carol could make it up and down the stairs on her own. The third came when she drank from a straw for the first time since the surgery. I cannot accurately express to you how much happiness it gave me to see Carol conquer these milestones.

Tomorrow is the real deal.

I have been waiting a year for Thanksgiving 2017. To redeem myself.

Last year I got drunk and was exhausted after only four hours sleep. I got stupid emotional and made a farce out of my family's favorite day.

I did not know and could not know that in my waiting Carol would be diagnosed with breast cancer and a tumor in her brain.

I did not know that Keith would be preparing for divorce, I did not know that Craig would split up with Karen.

My immediate family has taken some painful hits this year and I do not understand it. It is the first time the four of us have had to deal with so much adversity simultaneously and it breaks my heart.

It    fucking    breaks    my    heart.

It will be a small day in numbers tomorrow. Just the four of us. Going back to where we started.

It will be a huge day for us as a family. Being together, pulling together, supporting each other, sharing empathy and pure, unadulterated love. It is what family is all about.

Safe harbor, baby - safe harbor.

 I am looking forward to Thanksgiving 2017 with all the love and sensitivity in my heart and in my soul. My sense of life's unpredictability and fragility has become finely tuned. This year has rocked us.

But I know intuitively that my family is magic. Pure fucking magic. We laugh together, we share honest conversation, we are comfortable in each other's company.

That is a precious gift and it means everything to me. Everything.

Tomorrow we will relax and catch our breath. We will absorb what is happening to us.

And we will move on.

2017 has been a rude awakening. It has taught me a lot. It can also kiss my ass.

I am excited to see what is in store for my family in the future. We are four good people and I know that more good things await us.

Tomorrow will be the most meaningful Thanksgiving we have ever shared.