Learn to Differentiate

 If you are to successfully navigate the twisted path of life, you must learn to differentiate between the perception of being severely annoyed and only mildly annoyed.

Good Thoughts Bad Thoughts

 Good thoughts stack up in my brain and become bad thoughts.

What is the alchemy of that thought process?

Is This You?

 If you sigh more than you breathe, it's time for electroshock therapy.

Certainly One Approach

 There's nothing about my life that can't be cured through death & resurrection.

Illya Kuryakin Is Dead

 I am shattered.

It's Possible

I have noticed that people with a simple approach to life talk about vegetables excitedly.

I work with a lot of older folks (my age) when I work shows - it's just the nature of the beast. I did last night. And talk came around to vegetables.

"My neighbor posted that she has some green peppers and jalopenos from her garden to give away! I hope they are still there tomorrow. I love green peppers!"

Who loves green peppers? Who gets excited about vegetables?

The next topic was mufffin recipes. A co-worker uses orange juice in one of her recipes - apparently this is a radically inventive appproach that results in the greatest muffins ever invented.

My gut reaction was - and always has been - you have to be kidding me. This is what you talk about when you get out of the house?

Then I got to thinking - I have not been experiencing much happiness lately - lots of stress (I got a lot to talk to you about). In fact, I have not experienced my fair share of happiness throughout the history of my life.

Maybe if I got excited about vegetables I would be happier and healthier.

It's possible I don't have all the answers.

JB Quote

 "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Jimmy Buffett

Tomorrow Will Be Different

 Getting football-ready this morning when I heard an injured athlete say "I am starting to feel like myself again."

It is a simple statement, easy to understand, unless your age falls into the elderly bracket.

I wouldn't even know what "I am starting to feel like myself" means. I have no yardstick - nothing to measure against. As my new favorite t-shirt says - "Everything hurts and I'm going to die."

There are no pain-free days. There is no perfect comfort level.

I guess if I wake up in the morning and manage to stand without falling and walk without staggering, that's good enough. Good enough for today.

Tomorrow will be different.

Life Maxim

 You have to stay numb to keep moving forward.

Jimmy Buffet

Sometimes death comes at me from an unexpected angle.

When Johnny Carson died I was disturbed. Odd, no? It's not like I was a crazy Johnny Carson fan, not like I got 4 hours of sleep every night so I could stay up and watch him. I watched him when I could. Accountants need their sleep.

But I was impressed with his cool. I loved the way he carried himself. I loved his viciously quick and sharp-tongued sense of humor. I loved the way people respected him. I loved the way he commanded respect. I loved his style.

Jimmy Buffet's death is killing me. Fucking killing me.

I was not an over-the-top Buffet fan, but I liked him a lot. My knowedge of his music went beyond Chesseburger and Margaritaville, I knew his more sensitive stuff, I had a sense of who he was. I own a couple of his books.

I am now an over-the-top Jimmy Buffet guy. I have been listening to his music non-stop since September 1. Watching interviews. Reading about him. And when you listen to Sirius XM you get the knowledge and love and respect and worship of people who just LOVED the man, which gives you a deeper understanding of who he was. You hear great stories. Especially from other musicians, which carries a lot of weight.

Everything I have read about the man, all the songs I am hearing that I never heard before, all of that is making me smile and appreciate and regret and understand - Jesus fucking Christ - the man enjoyed life. He knew what would make him happy and he built his entire life around that. And he made everyone around him happy - he cared about their happiness - what the fuck else is life about?

He understood life. At some point he took a step back, looked around and realized that all of us live life like a feather in a hurricane, he realized life is hard and not guaranteed so he decided to put as much fun into his life as possible. He focused on fun. That is how you life a life.

Every remembrance of him focused on his joy, his positive spirit, his sense of and appreciation of fun. He made people smile.

He gave fun to his fans as a gift in concert and on records, a gift to lift them out of their own troubles and to help them smile, laugh and dance and sing. Amazing, amazing stuff.

Jane Slagsvol, Jimmy's wife: "Jimmy was love. Every cell in his body was filled with joy. He smiled all the time, even when he was deeply ill. And his sense of humor never wavered. Jimmy was always the optimist, always twinkling, always making us laugh."

Jimmy Buffet lived his life - his way - and made other peoples' lives better. There is no higher compliment you can pay another human being.

Requiescat in pace, Jimmy Buffet.

I loved you and I didn't even know it.

Thank you, man.

Slowly....................Deliciously

 When I write in here only intermittently, it is proof that I am slowly going mad.

So many, so many

He let so many things slide in his life that he ended up standing on an ice cube looking down at the abyss.

And it was July.

Fanciful Quotes

 "The only guaranteed way to wake up happy is to keep a vial of coke on the nightstand."

The Dalai Lama

It Just Occurred To Me

 There's something about watching college football on a brilliantly sunny Saturday afternoon, that can make you believe life ain't half bad.

Why Not?

 I want to fly Emirates to Dubai.

Better Than Life

 "Life is good. Football is better."

Steve Sabol

Steve Sabol had a point. 

Football is much misunderstood because there is so much goddamn hype. Regular people get turned off. "What the fuck is this? Another goddamn commercial hyping another NFL game? And what about the Super Bowl? Jesus Christ."

Understood. But football fans are fanatics. You get 17 games. That's it. Jesus Christ, I have watched 333 Red Sox games this year with Carol and they got another 250 to go. In football, if your team does not make the playoffs you get 17 games. Like life. I only get 70 or 80 years? That's it? Shit. Don't fucking blink, man.

So I am excited for tonight. Game 1 of the 2023 NFL season. I will be eating a Cajun Blue Burger - a burger topped with cajun spices, thick cut bacon, and blue cheese crumbles. I had one last year when Carol was away and I almost died from delight. I will drink an ice cold Miller High Life. Maybe a shot of whiskey if I think I can stay awake.

Tonight will be an event and I will celebrate that - I am all the way in, baby.

The US Open: I have been devouring that this week. It's a big part of my "Carol's not here" tradition. Like the burger.

Laslo Djere took Djokovic 5 sets in the third round. Are you kidding me? Novak went down 2 sets and had to win 3 in a row. Which, of course, he did. Zverev and Sinner played 5 grueling sets in brutal heat. Z-Man won but lost last night to Alcaraz. Medvedev won in 3 straight against Rublev in brutal heat. At one point Medvedev walked up to the camera and said: "One of us will die and the people will see it." It was that bad. And Alcaraz...................has been doing what Alcaraz does. John McEnroe keeps saying that Alcaraz is the best thing to happen to tennis in a loooooooooooong time. He is correct.

On the women's side, Iga Swiatek lost last Sunday to Jalena Ostapenko. Are you serious?  Coco Gauff is planting her flag in history - she looks unbeatable. Madison Keys looks great. Aryna Sabalenka stalks the court like she owns it.

The tennis has been spectacular. There's something about the US Open, man - it brings out the magic.

The men's final is on Sunday at the same time THE PATS play their first game of the season. The final will probably be Djokovic/Alcaraz. Epic, epic, epic. So............................

I will have THE PATS on TV and tennis on my tablet. Or maybe the other way around. It will be a spectacular way to end my vacation.

Small joys, people - small joys.

This Year Is Different

 Last year when Carol was away was pure bliss.

I took the week off from work, watched the US Open non-stop, ate well, exercised, kicked off the football season, had a drink or two.

Pure escapism which I deserved, and indulged in with abandon.

This year I am doing the same except for adding the caveat that I must also find a way to save my life. Turns out that has been a mistake. It has poisoned my fun as I obsess about a jailbreak from work and unhappiness. With each passing day, panic increases as I realize I am no closer to dignity.

Buzzkill.

Ironically I have simultaneously immersed myself in Buddhism this week.

I have dabbled in Buddhism over the years and discovered that you cannot dabble in Buddhism. You can't sip a little whiskey, watch a little football, then go upstairs and read a little Buddhism.

I am reading two books this week. No-Nonsense Buddhism For Beginners: Clear Answers To Burning Questions About Core Buddhist Teachings by Noah Rasheta. I wanted to start from scratch, and this book does a great job of easing you into this fascinating discipline.

And One Breath At A Time: Buddhism and The Twelve Steps by Kevin Griffin. I spent an afternoon sitting on the porch of my friend Jim's house last week - an old high school buddy. It was a beautiful day, and his property and home are in a beautiful, peaceful spot. We talked. A lot. For 3 hours.

Jim is an alcoholic and has been alcohol free for 28 years. AA led him to Buddhism as he searched for solutions to life and addictions. He recommended the One Breath book to me because both AA and Buddhism offer amazing insights and disciplines into taking control of your life - this book (written by an alcoholic and practicing Buddhist) melds the two approaches.

In other words, I have read nothing but Buddhsim in complete silence for many hours this week.

And thank god for that. If not I would probably shoot myself for semi-ruining my vacation. The reading has taken a little of the edge off of self-hatred and despair, and tweaked the perspective a little away from end-of-the-world hopelessness.

Next year, count on a full blooded return to pure escapism.

Nobody knows better than me that I need a vacation from my mind if I am to stay away from the asylum.

Pablo Diablo

Pablo Diablo was a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction.

The kids in town loved him. Pablo always brought candy and loved to play the clown. For the kids.

He'd pretend he had no candy. "Pablo - Do you have candy for us?" "Candy - what candy? Do you want to rot your teeth? Do you want to get fat?" Always with a large plastic bag hanging off his belt loaded with candy for everyone to see.

The kids would circle around him pointing at the bag and pleading for treats while Pablo circled around, deftly keeping the bag out of reach. He'd tell jokes, he'd make faces and do crazy little dances, raising up minor dust clouds to provide cover. But he would always give in and give each kid enough candy to make their parents angry. But no one could remain angry at Pablo for long. Not openly.

The women loved him. That smile, that beautiful head of thick black hair. He would compliment them and talk about their beauty as if they were holy, sacred; making each and every woman in the town feel special. Pablo brought them flowers, he gave them jewelry, he slipped them cash for the groceries (don't tell your husband).

Sometimes he would kiss their cheeks and make them blush like teenage girls. The women loved Pablo.

The men respected him. He brought them cigars and good wine. He treated each like an equal, as if they were accomplished and important. But there was something unspoken between them, something in the eyes. It was said that Pablo's eyes projected a darker reality than the pats on the back he offered so effortlessly.

Diego owed Pablo some money. Not a lot, a business deal gone bad, but money owed to Pablo was an obligation with teeth. After all, Pablo was a businessman, a good businessman who believed that business was business. Period.

Diego was buying drinks for his friends in the cantina when Pablo walked in. Confidence drained out of him like blood from a wound as he offered to buy Pablo a drink. Pablo graciously accepted a glass of fine whiskey and then got comfortable talking to and joking with Diego's friends. Diego stood by his side ashen-faced.

Pablo gestured for Diego to follow him outside. As they walked towards the door, Pablo called back over his shoulder "Another round of drinks for my friends."

Pablo and Diego disappeared behind the cantina. After a few minutes Pablo re-entered the cantina. Alone. His clothes were dusty, and there was a stain on his shirt that was hard to identify because there was a bit of mud on it. When asked what happened Pablo said "I tripped and fell. I can be so clumsy sometimes." He was smiling that magic smile that disarmed so easily.

Diego's friends asked "Where is Diego? Will he be back?"

Pablo replied "Perhaps tomorrow. In the meantime let's enjoy this fine whiskey." 

Diego's friends forgot about him soon enough.

Today

Digging the freedom.

No work on the horizon is like surgically removing 16 tons of shit off of my body. I am light as a feather.

Mixed bag today.

THE GOOD: I decided to get my footballl juices flowing by watching college ball today. I chose the Colorado/TCU game. The game was mind blowingly good. High scoring, back and forth, a whole hell of a lot going on. Exceptional contest. And Deion got his first win as Colorado's new coach. NO ONE thought they would win. What a great story.

I indeed got my football juices flowing. I am primed and ready to substitute football intensity for wimpy whining. I am diving in, I am diving all the way in - I am going to watch as much football as is humanly possible for the next 5+ months. And you better believe I will be watching Nebraska/Colorado next Saturday at noon. I always say I am going to watch a lot of college football but I never do because Carol makes me scrape and paint and rake and repair and vacuum out her car and wash it and wax it and cook for her and so on every single Saturday.

In 2023 I will buy her diamond brooches instead. And watch football every Saturday and every Sunday.

WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BAD: Jimmy Buffett died yesterday night. That's like saying fun died yesterday night.

I have many music stations set on Sirius, but there are 4 or 5 that are hardcore go-to's. The rest I dabble in. Margaritaville was one of the dabblers. Yesterday for some reason I dialed it up on my way to and from work. I think I was inspired by all the happy cars I passed on the road heading to long weekend destinations. The music suited the mood. Painful to think I randomly dialed up his music on the day he died.

Jimmy Buffett's persona was that of a fun guy. I think the reality matched the image, based on the way  celebrities describe him. Like: "This man personified joy. Embodied goodness. Always smiling......the coolest, absolute nicest...........full of goodwill and joy................ His family said: "He knew how to have fun and cared deeply about bringing everyone else along with him for the ride."

The man always looked like he was having fun. The man loved the ocean, he loved boats, he loved music, he loved to party. How can you argue with that?

He is yet another guy I regret to say I never got to see in concert. My nephew's Paul, Jeff, and Kevin were Parrotheads - they saw him in concert many times. I'm glad they had the experience.

Jimmy Buffett's philosophy, in part: "It's pure escapism is all it is. I'm not the first one to do it, nor shall I probably be the last. But I think it's really a part of the human condition that you've got to have some fun. You've got to get away from whatever you do to make a living or other parts of life that stress you out. I try to make it at least 50/50 fun to work and so far it's worked out." He said that in 2021.

I think Margaritaville will be a go-to for me for a while. Smiles and depth of feeling all around.

Requiescat in pace, Jimmy Buffett.

And thank you, man.

August - A Reckoning

Nothing to see here.

Look away.

Wild & Crazy Women On The Loose

 Carol takes a vacation next week.

Started a few years ago and has become an annual tradition. Heads to the beach with her aunt, her sister, our sister-in-law, and her cousin (not this year). A bunch of wild & crazy women on the loose. Fun crowd.

It's good for her. Gets her away from me. It's also good for me. Gets her away from me.

3 nights, 3 1/2 days. Just me and the cats and the US Open. I take the week off from work so I can enjoy my solitude in its purest form.

I had a spectacular time last year. Had the Open on the tv the majority of the time. Saw spectacular tennis that provided CPR to my soul. Also watched movies, documentaries, and tv shows that I like.

And I read and I read and I read.

Barbecued steak. Enjoyed amazing take-out. Drank a little wine, a little beer, a little whiskey.

I don't drink like I used to and that is good. Back in the before times I would start in on the whiskey as Carol was pulling out of the driveway and drink my last shot as she slammed her car door upon her return.

Not now, and that makes the experience better.

Last year was spectacular. This year will be even better.

Gonna mix in some meditation, deep thinking, and self-reflection. This year will not only be about escape.

December 31 will mark a line of demarcation for me. I keep telling you that but you don't believe me. No matter.

Today is September 1. Four months left. This vacation offers me a rich resource of fuel and inspiration. A perfect kickoff to my own personal Final Four.

I am very excited.

Emmy Lou

 Emmy Lou is tiny.

Many people mistake her for a kitten. She is not.

She chooses to live dangerously.

Many mornings, she gets between me and my book. She gets between me and my cup of coffee. Unconcerned about how I might respond. Just this very second she walked across my belly - getting between me and the tablet I'm typing on.

Sometimes, as I raise the cup of coffee to my lips, she sits down on the coaster.

I could learn a lot from Emmy Lou.