Miserable Fucking Day

Carol had another follow-up appointment at Mass Eye and Ear in Boston yesterday.

We both hate that fucking trip. I have become the typical NH hermit - I don't ever want to drive to Boston under any circumstance and for any reason. Period.

In fact I don't ever want to drive to any overly populated area. I don't want to deal with traffic and streets and directions and getting lost, and rude, brainless fucking drivers.

NH generally is easy to negotiate as long as you stay far enough north. That's the way I like it.

It snowed yesterday. First fucking snow of the season. Two hour drive to Boston, two hour drive home. We left the house at 9:00 am, got home at 3:30 pm. Felt like a goddamn month.

It was still snowing when we left Boston. When we got far enough north in NH we were actually greeted by blue skies. A perfect metaphor.

The drive down was really tough. The road sucked - all the way down. Traffic moving at 25 mph at times. Saw three cars that slid off the road. I get quietly furious in siutations like that. I believe I am above dealing with bullshit situations like that. Apparently I am not.

My problem is I see myself as a privileged rich guy. Truth is I am a lower middle class grunt just squeaking by in life and having to make all the humbling sacrifices a low level existence demands.

A stressful dichotomy.

Carol had two appointments. There was a lot of waiting around. I slept like shit the night before. So I used the waiting time to nap. 

I was starving when I got home. Made myself a massive and delicious turkey and provolone sandwich, poured myself a generous whiskey, and listened to a Marc Maron podcast.

How else are you gonna deal with a situation like that? It was perfect.

I'm a pretty smart guy.

The Truth About...................

I watched a documentary this afternoon called "The Truth About Alcohol" while sipping on a glass of whiskey.

That felt rebellious to me.

Then I took a nap.

I have been doing David vs Goliath battle now for over two weeks of my life. Me vs Hyundai. Me vs Grappone (the car dealership). Countless fucking hours writing emails, talking on the phone and filing complaints with the BBB, Hyundai Corporate, and Grappone. I have achieved modest results.

Remember I told you I was going to make their lives a living fucking hell? I have done just that.

All this shit started on October 10 when my car started misbehaving. Today is October 27. I am still reaching into my quiver and launching arrows.

Fuck these corporate jerkoffs. They believe they can shit on the little man and enjoy no repercussions.

Fun fact: After I got my car back with a new transmission, one of my key fobs died. A six month old fucking key fob died. And it wasn't just a battery. This happened last Wednesday.

So today, Grappone had to bring my car into the dealership and reprogram the car and both key fobs.

I am on the warpath and enjoying warrior status so they drove out to my home, left a loaner car, drove the car to Concord, reprogrammed it, and drove it back to me.

Let me bring you up to date.

You know the beginning of the story so I won't repeat. After being disrespected on 10/13, the day I brought the car in, I waited. No word by Friday.

I called on Monday, 10/19 and was told the guy I had been dealing with was not available. I cruised into Concord in the loaner car for a medical appointment and checked my phone afterwards - 2 hours after my original call. No fucking calll back.

I called again. "Your car is ready". I was 10 minutes away so I cruised on over wagging my tail like the happiest puppy.

Got into my car - there was less than 1 gallon of gas in it. I had 16 miles to go before empty. I was fucking furious.

On top of that, the paperwork I signed indicated the car had been ready since 3:00 o'clock on Friday, October 23. I was not notified on Friday, I was not notified on Saturday, I was not notified on Monday.

Went on the warpath the next day. Filed a complaint with the BBB, with Hyundai Corporate, with Grappone (the dealership) and personally with the guy I had been dealing with at Grappone. That was on Tuesday, October 20.

I woke up the next morning to two emails from Grappone and a phone message.

I won't bore you with the details. But when the guy returned my car today he had filled the gas tank and gave me a $25 gas card. Hyundai Corporate right now has agreed to forgive one car loan payment (I asked for six) and give me $150 in gas cards. I made a final plea by email today to forgive three payments. The guy wasn't in. He'll be in tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent on this in the last two weeks. I am fucking sick of it. It has sucked even the posiibility of joy (I rarely experience joy) out of my days off.

So fuck your life. Fuck my life. Fuck life in general. Fuck the world. Fuck the illusion of happiness and good things.

Shit, Man

 A description of the first nationally televised rocket launch in America: "The first stage, bloated with fuel, explodes, and the rest of the rocket sinks into the sand beside the launch pad. It appears to sink very slowly, like a fat old man collapsing into a Barcalounger".

I resent the comparison.

From "The Right Stuff", by Tom Wolfe.

Yup

"When it comes time to hang the capitalists, they will sell us the rope".

This quote is variously attributed to Lenin, Stalin or Marx. 

Doesn't matter who said it. It was prescient.

I got one word for you:

trump.

You Dodged A Bullet

 I have this whole big fuck you post all cued up and ready to go.

Contrary to what you might think I don't always spew. I often work on these things. Whatever.

The stuff I've written recently bothers me because I know how wimpy I sound. To people who are afraid to acknowledge their emotions. The "suck it up" people who go through life pretending to be tough, hiding their emotions.

I experience backlash against myself and I respond with  a violent fuck you. It is still there and I will assault you with it soon, but.................I just read an interview with Bruce Springsteen in AARP magazine.

Shit, man - I never thought I would say those words - Bruce Springsteen in AARP magazine. But he turned 71 in September. That kind of truth hurts me. I don't want the people who have given me so much emotional release to age. To die.

Every time one of them dies, part of me dies. That is raw truth. Every time they go, my fear grows because that part of my life dies with them. At some point I will die with them. Completely and finally.

My respect for Springsteen grew enormously when I read his autobiography. I was blown away by how vulnerably he presented himself. He was so honest. And he admitted he has been in therapy for decades. Still is, from time to time. That he has problems and a lot of self-doubt.

Are you fucking kidding me? Bruce Springsteen?

He is creative, he is sensitive, he is intelligent and curious and empathetic.

In this interview he said "I can't tell someone what it's like to have a child. I can try. But that's an experience you have to have yourself". That is just one comment out of many but it got to the heart of where I am at right now. Right fucking now.

It has been an unhappy week or so for me. A time that has shaken me and doubled me over like a drunk puking in the gutter.

Invariably when I go through an intense period like that, the wave breaks and sensitivity takes over. The wave has broken.

I come out of that feeling incredibly sensitive. My entire body is a raw nerve. My brain fights and fights and fights to make sense, to make changes, to self correct. To course correct. Just to fucking understand my life.

Keith and Craig are my lifeline. 2020 is literally destroying me, tearing me up and tearing me apart because I cannot see them. Withdrawal from them is as much a physical pain as an emotional one.

A shot of them from time to time rejuvenates. Resurrects my dead soul and resuscitates me. No hype.

I have had tears in my eyes since I read those words. I teared up a few times as I read the interview.

Because I naturally connect with empathy. And intelligence. And sensitivity.

I am so angry that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I need more time to rebound. The thought of being the phony tough guy I have to be to survive this job turns my stomach. The phony fucking smiles, the phony fucking laughter - I hate it.

I read the interview and walked over here to write. Had to do it.

These are not complete thoughts. There's no theme here. But the words are honest. They are raw and real and tear stained. Spontaneous.

I think that is what life is supposed to be about.

A Royal Fucking

Our furnace broke down last night.

We had dinner plans with Jason and Karen. As we were getting ready to go I popped into the itty bitty downstairs bathroom. The half bath. Around 5:00 o'clock.

This is a wintertime sauna. The space is about as big as the fingernail on your pinky finger. BUT it has a heating vent. If you are in there with the door closed and the furnace cranks up, the temperature rises to 244 degrees. Which is fine with me because I hate being cold.

The catch last night was that the blower was blowing cold air. I checked the vent in our bedroom and it was also blowing cold air. And blowing and blowing and blowing. The blower kept running, the furnace did not fire up. Called the furnace dude who said he would pop by in a couple of hours. We cancelled dinner plans.

We got heat back around 9:30. Not that big a deal, it wasn't that cold last night. The big deal is that it cost us $1,500. Let me put that another way. FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Fucked by my car, fucked by the furnace. In a five day span.

I am trying to figure out how to deal with this. I was anxious/depressed from Saturday to Monday last week, full blown depressed and furious since Tuesday last week, and over the top suicidal last night.

Can't go on like this. Unhappiness is eating away my insides like acid. I am wasting days.

How do I make myself happy? How do you do it? How do you find happiness amidst steaming piles of shit?

I gotta lighten up. This is probably the most important piece of the Joe Testa Reclamation and Restoration project. If I can feel happy in between the rancid moments, my life would be so much better.

I am going to try to let this all go today. My brain hurts. I will probably get my car back tomorrow. I like my car. I want it back. Last night cost $1,500, but we have the money.

In search of happiness. The pursuit of happiness. Those words conjure images in my mind of broken people, crawling over corpses, hands outstretched towards the word happiness, which is floating in thin air in front of them. Just outside their reach.

Happiness can only come to me if I wipe out in my mind forty years of my life. The forty years when I underachieved. The forty years I wasted. Happiness can only come if I focus 100% on NOW, and what is in front of me (ignoring visions of canes, walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen masks and diapers).

I need to speed up the process of change. I need an LSD moment. A brain explosion. I cannot continue to slog through the muck that clogs up my mind.

What to do, what to do.

Who the fuck knows. 

I surely don't.

Life Sucks (I Have Proof)

My car, my brand new car, which has been a source of happiness for me, is being repaired.

Carol and I were coming home from food shopping last Saturday when the engine started to skip. Buck, lurch, stutter. Not uncontrollably, but enough to make me nervous. I took it for a ride on Sunday hoping the problem was just a weird one time deal - it was not.

Did some research over the weekend that turned my stomach. Found many complaints from owners of 2020 Hyundai Elantras who had the same problem as me and ended up getting new transmissions. I chose to believe my situation would not be that drastic.

Brought it in to the dealer yesterday. Let me emphasize - I brought my brand new car into the dealer yesterday - something I didn't expect to do for ten years. After a two hour wait, they told me I was all set.

I was on the road for two minutes and the car skipped. And skipped and skipped and skipped. I was fucking furious. I drove it a few miles down the road, turned around, and flew into the parking lot. Jumped out of the car, walked up to the guy that told me I was "all set" and yelled at him that the car was still skipping. Even worse than before. They gave me a loaner.

When I got home there was a message on my phone saying they will have to replace the transmission. I'll have it back on Monday or Tuesday. It's on warranty and will cost me nothing but that is not the point.

This is a brand new car. I have had it for 6 months. It has 4900 miles on it. Every time I drive it I get happy. I should not have to deal with this. I am pretty sure the last new car I bought was in 1990. 30 fucking years ago. That's a long goddamn time to wait for a little peace of mind.

The maintenance guy fucking lied to me. After the two hour wait he told me they test drove the car and everything was fine. There's no way that five minutes later when I was in the car it suddenly went downhill. Either they didn't test drive the car or they did and lied about it being fine.

I am going to make their lives a living hell.

But the damage has been done. That car was a source of happiness to me. The day I first drove it home was a fucking holiday in my mind because good things don't happen to me. It was surreal. I felt like maybe things were turning around.

Apparently not. I will never trust the car again. Every time I drive it I'll be looking for signs of transmission trouble. I found someone online who had the same problem twice, once before and once after a new transmission had been installed.

I will take a chance on a new transmission. But on my terms. Today I will make it clear to the dealer that all the original warranties will still apply, and that I need that assurance in writing. If they refuse to do that I will demand a new car. Period.

I fucked up my life. I am paying for that every day. I underachieved, I didn't think, I didn't try hard enough and life has been making me pay for that forever. 

You can't ignore life. You gotta deal with it. And if you don't handle it intelligently it eventually says "Fuck you, loser" and sets about torturing you. I firmly believe that.

This particular punishment is exceptionally painful. A brand new car is a big deal. A source of pride and a reprieve from breakdowns and emergency repairs. Something shiny in your life that you can rely on for a while. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have been towed in the past 30 years. How much money I have spent on repairs. It is a lot.

I am not expecting much of anything from here on out. Except unhappiness.

Yesterday I almost exploded in anger and frustration. Today I feel deflated and defeated. My soul is on life support. Frankly I don't give a shit what the outcome is.

I'll just deal with it and forget about trying to be happy.

It's a fucking myth anyway.

I Just Want To Win

I just want to win.

That's what my life has boiled down to. I want to win. At something.

The way I see it the only thing I have won in my life is the family lottery. Carol, Keith, Craig.

Stunningly lucky there.

The rest of my life has been substandard, boring and unfulfilling. I am as empty as a human being can get.

I get up to no purpose; when I have to work I am filled with anger and embarrassment, when I look at our bank account I am reminded of how badly I blew it.

So I want to win. At something. 

I guess that something will have to be full retirement. I don't have my sights set on anything else because I cannot imagine accomplishing anything meaningful and satisfying with the short time I have left.

You are spitting in my face. You are saying "It's never too late". That's cute and hopeful but not realistic.

At some point in your life cliches fall away and leave you looking into the mirror in the light of day.

It's never pretty.

If our plan succeeds we will dump this house and the fucking never-ending mortgage sometime in 2021.

Been paying for this house since 1986. Think about that. 34 fucking years. With many more to go. 

If all had gone well the mortgage would have been paid off in 2001. It was originally a 15 year mortgage. My family hates it when I wallow in these details but I just can't let it go. If we had no mortgage payment for the last 19 years we would have had money in the bank. A natural retirement plan, so to speak.

Instead we bought that fucking business, failed, and had to refinance the house because we were delinquent in payments. This happened in 1998. We were three years away from freedom. Three fucking years.

But I digress. We sell the house in 2021, buy a condo/mobile home/something outright and voila we are home free.

Doesn't seem like much of a goal when I put it into writing. Not much of an epitaph. Seems like I should have done more with my life. Make some kind of mark.

That's the conflict. I say there is nothing else but I truly want there to be something else. That tiny voice in my head harps away saying "Come on, Joe - you are a smart guy. You can still do something with your life. Figure it out, motherfucker".

Don't really know what my reality is. It is a bit warped.

I just want to win.

At something.

Ultimate Questions

 "Cold was the night and hard was the ground

  They found her in a small grove of trees

  And lonesome was the place where Georgia was found

  She's too young to be out on the street

  

  Why wasn't God watching?

  Why wasn't God listening?

  Why wasn't God there

  For Georgia Lee?

  Ida said she couldn't keep Georgia from dropping out of school

  I was doing the best that I could

  Oh, but she just kept running away from this world

  These children are so hard to raise good

  Why wasn't God watching?

  Why wasn't God listening?

  Why wasn't God there

  For Georgia Lee?

  Close your eyes and count to ten

  I will go and hide but then

  Be sure to find me, I want you to find me

  And we'll play all over

  We'll play all over

  We'll play all over

  Again

  There's a toad in the witch grass, there's a crow in the corn

  Wild flowers on a cross by the road

  And somewhere a baby is crying for her mom

  As the hills turn from green back to gold

  

  And why wasn't God watching?

  Why wasn't God listening?

  Why wasn't God there

  For Georgia Lee?

  Why wasn't God watching?

  Why wasn't God listening?

  And why wasn't God there

  For Georgia Lee?

"Georgia Lee",  Tom Waits

  

Five Healthy Days

 Today, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Due to the generous vagaries and quirks of the way holidays are handled at my job, and the fact that I am a part timer - I escaped from work alive yesterday and don't have to report back for duty until Thursday. And still get paid for Wednesday. Not a bad deal for a grunt level job.

Five days of peace love and understanding.

I need it. I always need it.

As always, I am searching for physical and mental health. I have to keep banging away because my brain has been marinating in poison for decades; it's a lot to overcome.

Good start. I exercised today. Level 1. Always good for body and mind. 

Real exercise has been erratic lately. I operate on two levels. Level 1 is the Full Monty - some phony baloney weight and push up work to avoid flabby old man arms AND riding the exercise bike for 20 minutes. The bike is what I dig, what I need , what I appreciate - that is real exercise.

Level 2 is reserved for days I don't have enough time or I just feel like a rancid piece of shit. No bike. I do the phony baloney arm stuff and I'll walk up and down the stairs a few times. Just to do something. Which at my age is better than nothing.

Lately it has been mostly Level 2.

Level 2 is OK, Level 1 is the gold standard. Today was Level 1.

Five sweet days to heal and love Carol and love Maka.

Who knows. Maybe I'll even learn to love myself.

Rough Comment (But Sadly True)

 "Once this new justice is seated, ObamaCare is likely gone, and after that Rowe vs Wade. So I hope you enjoy carrying your rape baby to term, you can name it Jill Stein".

That is a pretty rough quote from Bill Maher during the New Rules segment of his September 25 show. Find it. Watch it. It is chilling. It is dead on.

He was talking about all the brainless morons who "didn't like trump but just couldn't vote for Hillary". All the jerkoffs who voted third party. And the consequences of that stupidity. He contrasts that with the way things could have been, the horrific things that could have been avoided had Hillary been elected.

A large chunk of my family fell into this category in 2016. Back when I thought I could use facebook in a positive way, I got into endless arguments with these people. My point was that if you don't vote for Hillary you are voting for trump. And trump made it abundantly clear on the campaign trail what a flaming asshole he was. So you cannot feign surprise after the fact.

They knew what they were doing. But their argument was they were exercising their constitutionally guranteed right to vote for whoever they wanted to. They got all pompous and consdescending, explaining that our political system sucks and third party candidates make sense. Fucking smoke screen.

Although, I agreed with that. I still do - I told them that. I also told them this was not your normal election, that trump was stupid and dangerous and would destroy the country.

They did their thing anyway. I believe some of them were and are trump supporters but didn't have the guts to admit it. I think they will vote for trump again.

I used to think they were smart. Now I fucking hate them. I hate them because they are actively engaged in destroying my life. And theirs, which they are too stupid to understand. And my sons' lives, which I can never forgive them for. Never.

trump supporters are a special brand of stupid. Cretins. One of my favorite words. As defined by Merriam-Webster: a stupid, vulgar or insensitive person (trump supporters are all three). Synonyms: Clod, lout.

These cretins support trump for the clown show. Nothing else. They have no idea what his "policies" are. They don't care. They have no idea what Biden's policies are. They love trump because he is a clown and a racist and an idiot, mysoginistic, vulgar, vicious and heartless.

Fine qualities in a president.

This election expands the definition of cretin substantially. "Undecided voters". You have to be brainless to be undecided at this point. Either you are for trump or for Biden. To pretend there is some middle ground that is worth exploring, that there are shared traits between these two is an LSD dream.

I like Maher's comment because it is so harsh. There are people who say we should not hate on trump supporters. It's not their fault. Not trump's fault. It is our broken political system, our broken country.

The country is broken. trump did not originate the breakage. He exploited it. For personal gain and to deliberately hurt people. His supporters don't think. They just piss and moan and repeat whatever lies they have been taught.

trump and his supporters deserve our hatred.

Just read some comments from Marc Maron. "I can honestly say I don't really care whether he dies or not. I don't wish it upon him but he is one of the worst examples of the human species in the history of humans. I'm not saying that he deserves it or that he has it coming. We all have it coming. I would actually rather see him voted out, dramatically. I would like to see the system he has tried to destroy take him down in a purely American way. Repudiate him".

I agree with every word of that.

Shortly after trump got sick, the first time I heard that he was doing better - I was disappointed. I felt disappointment in my bones. Not intellectually. I felt it. That was an honest gut check of just how much I hate this lowlife creature from hell.

So yeah, anybody who still supports trump, anybody who is "undecided", deserves alll the hatred and disrespect that can be sent their way. trump deserves the most virulent form of hatred imaginable.

I like Bill Maher's words. I like Marc Maron's words.

They are the truth.

Two Nights

 A couple of weeks ago Carol and I went to dinner with Craig and Amanda.

It was a magical night of good food, conversation, laughter and that special kind of love that flows between aging parents and their kids who have the world in front of them.

Last Saturday night Carol and I went to dinner with Keith and Krista. It was a magical night of good food, conversation, laughter and that special kind of love that flows between aging parents and their kids who have the world in front of them.

That's it. That's all we need, Carol and I. Especially now in this most horrific of years. A year that takes everything away from you.

We are living like hermits. Food shopping is a highlight. There is fear. I am angry and worried when I have to go to work. I fucking hate it. I don't trust the people around me and I crave the independence to say "Fuck you, I am staying home. I will not go anywhere I don't want to go".

And then there is dinner. With Keith and Krista. With Craig and Amanda. Truthfully it is impossible to express what that means to us, what it does for us.

As we are driving home we say "What a beautiful night. Good conversation and laughter in a comforting way".

Carol and I have never taken our relationship with our sons for granted. Never. From Day One to forty and thirty six (soon to be thirty seven) years old. Doesn't matter.

They make us smile. They make us proud. They make us happy.

I am proud of how comfortable we all are together. At this stage they could consider us assholes or we could consider them assholes. That is not the case.

The experiment worked. We gave them abundant love and as much guidance as we could. Threw some fun in for good measure. We gave them freedom to become who they are.

And now we reap the benefits. They give us pure joy. In 2020, when joy is in short supply.

Truthfully, it was never an experiment. Carol and I were the kind of parents we were destined to be. It came naturally because we love being parents.

Those two nights are beautiful memories. After last Saturday night we have talked about both nights with reverance and awe. And appreciation.

There will be more. They won't come around as easily as they used to, as naturally as they used to, but they will come around. Because it has to be so.

Keith and Craig are the most powerfully important humans in our life. They have brought Amanda and Krista into our life, to our great pleasure.

This family is extraordinary.

Think About It

 "For a moment everything was clear, and when that happens you see that the world is barely there at all. Don't we all secretly know this? It's a perfectly balanced mechanism of shouts and echoes pretending to be wheels and cogs, a dreamclock chiming beneath a mystery glass we call life. Behind it? Below it and around it? Chaos, storms. Men with hammers, men with knives, men with guns. Women who twist what they cannot dominate and belittle what they cannot understand. A universe of horror and loss surrounding a single lighted stage where mortals dance in defiance of the dark."

Stephen King from "11/22/63".