Thursday, March 22, 2018

Twisted Steel

"Twisted people, twisted minds,
  twisted logic, twisted times,
  I can't imagine how a mother must feel
  twisted steel, twisted steel"

"Twisted Steel",    Ian Hunter

I Knew A Guy

I knew a guy who despised authority of any kind.

Right down to having a boss.

When he made a mistake at work and his boss was forced to point it out to him, he bristled. Even if it was done politely and with respect.

This guy did not want to have to answer to anybody. He felt he was above that.

That feeling of subordination. Man, it fucking ripped his soul to shreds.

He saw himself as a smart man. A unique soul. Apart from all others and not subject to their fucking rules.

He hated schedules.

The fact that a job required him to be at a specific place at a specific time and forced him to stay there for a specific number of hours, raised bile into his throat every morning.

It was his life, wasn't it? Shouldn't he be in complete control?

Co-workers. The game. Being nice. Laughing at their jokes, feigning interest in their lives.

What the fuck was that all about? These were not people he would choose to hang out with. They had nothing in common, no sense of humor, no intelligence, no integrity of character. They were fucking boring in their attempts to appear interesting.

Why was he forced to endure them?

None of this made any sense to him at all.

And the phrase "working for a living". What a bunch of bullshit. He knew he wasn't working for a living; he was working so he could go back to work.

I knew a guy who despised authority of any kind. Who despised being forced to do anything against the natural call of his soul.

He was not a happy man.

A Winter Road

Took a walk on a winter road.

I was cold. I was alone.

I was wondering why I love you and how you love me.

Thought about my life; there is a great deal of it behind me now.

I wanted to examine it and learn something, but when I looked upon it,
my vision was blurred. There were no details. Just a vague sense of loss.

I thought about the future. How hard could that be? There is not a lot of it to imagine.

Again, it was vague.

I am here now but I don't know where that is. Certainly not anywhere I ever imagined.

I am me now but I don't know who that is. Certainly not anyone I ever imagined.

Aging inexorably, under attack from disease. Feeling weaker precisely when strength is required.

Meaningless words haunt me. Hopes and dreams; a phrase as hollow as thoughts and prayers.

The place where I stand is quicksand, the road behind is littered with regret, the road ahead is slick with black ice. I don't believe I planned this.

But I did allow it to happen.

Took a walk on a winter road.

I was cold. I was alone.

My soul heavy with the fear that this time, winter would have no end.

Shifting (Not Drifting)

I am changing direction for my own protection.

A Sobering Thought

Alcohol kills pain quite efficiently; it is a panacea in that regard.

Regret, however, is a much more formidable foe.

Friday, March 16, 2018


I have hated every single day of every winter I have had to endure in my 64 years on this planet.

THIS winter is particularly crushing. Unrelenting, cold-hearted and vicious.

And I have had to face it alone.

Since this winter got serious I have found myself behind. Always pots and pans to wash, dishwasher to load, dishwasher to unload, two loads of laundry to fold and another to be washed. Rubbish to be tended to, overloaded trips to the dump. No food in the freezer, interim food shopping trips sprinkled in between major food shopping trips.

This winter has tried very hard to break me. But it has failed.

I have bent, God knows I have bent. I feel like a thin, well worn elastic band about to snap.

But I keep moving.

I fucking hate winter. Always have. I think it is a stupid way to live.

So I walk around this year and last like a man burned out on LSD. Every time it snows I'm like "What the fuck? Again? I gotta shovel, spread sand, clean off the cars, shovel out the mailbox so the fucking mailman can deliver without trauma?"

Fucking douches have refused to deliver the mail a couple of times this winter because I just couldn't get to it fast enough because I was goddamn tired.

I am angry, frustrated and beat down.

When good weather shows up in 4 or 5 months, Carol and I are going to enjoy the living shit out of it.

I deserve it. She REALLY deserves it.

Fuck New England.

(Editor's note - I have not really hated every single day of winter in my life. Carol and I spent many fun days skiing with Keith and Craig, playing with them in the snow in the backyard. We enjoyed epic trips to Waterville Valley with a fine group of people we used to work with. I am given to hyperbole. But you already know that.)

Saturday, March 10, 2018

An Intellectual Experiment

I am conducting an intellectual experiment.

I have to do this from time to time to convince myself that I am actually smart, since the way I have lived my life provides no support for such a conclusion.

I am 64, backed into a corner with no means of escape or vindication. So I sit in my recliner, reading, with the hope that occasionally what I read lays testament to a functioning brain.

I recently read Bruce Springsteen's autobiography. It was excellent. Superb in its honesty.

Great story of his life and the road he took to rock and roll royalty. He also admits that he has taken antidepressants for decades and has been seeing a therapist for decades. This blew me away.

The man I see on stage does not appear to have any problems. In fact, the way he performs looks like a form of therapy to me. I cannot believe he has not had a stroke or a heart attack in concert.

But I digress. In the book he said that when he decided to become politically active he needed to educate himself. So he read two books.

"A Pocket History of the United States", by Allan Nevins and Henry Steele Commager. This is a straight ahead history of the U.S starting with the pilgrim landing and running up through Reagan. You know, the typical propaganda we have all been taught.


"A People's History of the United States" by Howard Zinn. This book starts with Columbus. It tells our history from the point of view of those who were abused, taken advantage of and demoralized in the evolution of America.

In other words - the truth.

I took Bruce's lead and decided to do the same.

Yesterday I finished "A Pocket History". 635 pages worth.

Honestly it was a good read. It was more informative to read the book day after day than it was to sit in history classes when I was a kid. I learned stuff. I also smirked whenever it went over the top describing the glories of this country and its leaders.

Started "A People's History" this morning. 682 pages worth.

Slapped me in the face right off the bat. Page 1, paragraph 1.

Describing Columbus' landing:

"Arawak men and women, naked, tawny and full of wonder emerged from their villages onto the island's beaches and swam out to get a closer look at the strange big boat. When Columbus and his sailors came ashore, carrying swords, speaking oddly, the Arawaks ran to greet them, brought them food, water, gifts. He (Columbus) later wrote of this in his log:

They brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears, and many other things which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawks' bells. They willingly traded everything they owned. They were well-built with good bodies and handsome features. They do not bear arms and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane. They would make fine servants. With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want."

What kind of piece of shit would come across an unknown civilization and immediately think about making slaves out of them.

Hence the karma of America. A karma that takes us from 1492 to trump.

I only read around 20 pages this morning. What I read already broke my heart. Viciousness, murder, slaughtered children, stolen goods, burned crops.

I will like this book. I will like it for its honesty. It will confirm what I already know. But it will break my heart over and over again.

We stole this country from its native inhabitants. We lied to them, tortured them, disgraced them and killed them.

And never looked back. That wasn't enough so we decided to embrace slavery. And on and on and on.

I believe this country is on the decline and will one day collapse. Like all "great" empires.

I have no problem with that.

We get what we deserve.