Wednesday, June 27, 2018

!

The best things in life are free
But you can keep them for the birds and bees
Now give me money
That's what I want
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want

Your lovin' gives me a thrill
But your lovin' don't pay my bills

Money don't get everything it's true
What it don't get, I can't use

Well now give me money
A lot of money
Wow, yeah, I wanna be free
Oh I want money
That's what I want
That's what I want, well
Now give me money
A lot of money
Wow, yeah, you need money
Now, give me money
That's what I want, yeah
That's what I want

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

One More Reason

One more reason why I love music.

Why I could never, under any circumstance, live without it. When that Fuckhead trump gets around to banning music I will kill myself.

I was bippity bopping to work this morning listening to Sirius XM and up pops "Wild Thing", by The Troggs.

Now dig, I got all four windows down, the sunroof open, I am smiling in the sun even though it was borderline cool. Fuck it, mama. I am making this summer my own, even if I have to compromise a little warmth.

My brain starts cookin' and I'm thinking what a great song this is. I have always loved it. Even though it is simplistic, even though it is kinda humorous - it is a great goddamn song.

And I'm thinking how simple a love song can be. This particular song, expressing love in as basic a way as is possible.

I am smiling.

The very next song is "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney. One of my favorite songs of all time. A song I rarely get through without shedding a tear, because I think about Carol.  Especially now.

"..............Maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me........................" (she tries so hard).

And I'm thinking here is another simple love song but in a completely different way. A much more serious song, a powerful song, a song where Paul stresses his vocal cords to the limit at times, a song written by a Beatle, for Christ sake.

A song packed with emotion and wonder and self deprecation, self doubt, and an awareness of the power of love. The power of having somebody by your side to love you.

Now I am REALLY smiling. Once again music has saved me, given me a new awareness, a refreshed perspective.

Jesus Christ, man - what more do I need? What more can anybody ask for?

I'm driving to work kind of down. Not because of the job; I like the job. But because somebody else gets to control my schedule, tell me where to be, when to be there, how long to stay there.

I never thought I would be in this position at this age.

Then along come The Troggs and Paul McCartney to flame up my brain and my emotions, to make me feel alive when seconds earlier I felt like I was driving a hearse.

I would shoot music into my veins if that was possible.

I NEED it that much.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Dig It, Baby

This year's warm weather activities have taken on a life of their own, and Carol and I have just been having a blast.

June activities:

June 3 - We attended a backyard barbecue with people I work with. Gorgeous weather. Laid back atmosphere, good food, good company.

June 9 - We attended a backyard barbecue wedding party of friends of ours. Gorgeous weather. Premium booze, live band, good food, good friends.

June 14 - Paula and Bill zoomed up to visit us. Gorgeous weather. I barbecued, we ate on the screened in porch, we talked, we laughed, we dug the comfort of spending easy time with family.

June 16 - We zoomed down to Winthrop, MA to take my 88 year old Aunt Dina out to lunch, joined by Eddie and Carolina. Gorgeous weather. We ate in an Italian restaurant that serves exceptional cuisine. We talked, we laughed, we fed off the family vibe. So safe, so secure.

June 17 - Keith and Craig popped over for Fathers Day. Gorgeous weather. I barbecued, we ate on the screened in porch. We talked, we laughed, we reveled in the amazing bond and love and trust that exists between two aging parents and their very precious sons.

June 23 - We will be motoring up to northern NH to the Pizza Barn to meet up with Cori, her dad John, Bill and Gail, and Bob and Nancy. To celebrate John's 80th birthday. John is a guy I have partied with many times and I guy I truly love and respect. In addition, the Pizza Barn is a part of Carol's family history, so the day is even more meaningful.

That is one hell of a fucking month. It is exactly what I wanted for the summer of 2018 and, most importantly, exactly what I wanted for Carol.

We are just getting started.

Mothers Day/Fathers Day

These holidays are real.

There have been times in my life where I felt the whole thing was artificial, an excuse to summon the kids to the house to worship the parents. Not from my point of view or Carol's point of view for sure; any time Keith and Craig visit us it is an amazing highlight.

My reservations come from my own upbringing. Being a son carried with it an obligation, an obligation to pay homage to the creators. It felt heavy to me; it felt artificial.

I never wanted that cloud to hang over the heads of my sons.

I think Carol and I succeeded at that.

They were here last weekend for Fathers Day and it was magnificent.

I could have leased a Lear jet and flown us all to Hawaii, all expenses paid, for a barbecue with Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson and Kris Kristofferson.

I decided against that.

Instead I barbecued cheeseburgers, we consumed them on the screened in porch, we went inside and watched golf and the Red Sox.

It was such a comfortable and enjoyable day.

After they left Carol and I talked about the day, as we always do.

We came to the conclusion that Keith and Craig make us feel good as parents; they make us feel good about ourselves.

Very few people can - or are inclined to - make you feel good about yourself. Keith and Craig do it effortlessly.

For this we are grateful.

I Am Growing

When I was cleaning up the kitchen this morning, I threw a potholder on the floor.

Right in the middle of the kitchen floor.

I have been negotiating my way around it since. It is teaching my how to get around life's obstacles.

I feel I'm growing as a human being.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

One More Thing I Love About Sirius XM

Driving home Friday night listening to Sirius.

The "DJ" came on and said in somber tones, that a listener had requested the next song in remembrance of a friend that he just lost, a close friend who just died. The DJ said he hoped the song would provide some comfort to him.

It was "High Falls" by The Allman Brothers.

The DJ did not make a big deal about it, did not go off a on a lecture meant to be meaningful. He just said those simple words and played the song.

It meant a lot to me. Really hit home.

That is the power of music. The listener requested a song that meant something to him, that connected him with his friend.

I hope it gave him some comfort.

Quotable Quote

"Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough."

Mark Twain

You Can't Always Get What You Want BUT.............................

When I drive on a summer night I feel like a teenager.

An incredible feeling.

I was driving home Friday night, sun roof open, windows down, feeling glorious. A rogue thought popped into my head as I cruised - I wished I had some place to be. Some place fun.

A party. A barbecue. A bar with an outdoor patio filled with my friends.

Instead of my inevitable destination - the recliner.

I may be 64 but I still have, and always will have, that party spirit. That drive to fill up every warm moment with fun. Insanity. Friendship. Laughter.

Got a little down and a bit confused as that thought wrestled with the feeling of sweet abandon I was feeling.

However, I was rewarded yesterday.

Carol and I attended a backyard barbecue wedding reception on another glorious summer day.

Stacey and Ed. Congrats, guys. May your marriage be filled with happiness and good health.

I packed a cooler. Whiskey. Beer. Water. Of course I had to wipe 6 inches of dust off the cooler first. Still, the ritualistic packing of the cooler is a comforting thing to me.

I have done that hundreds, maybe thousands of times. And, of course, I believe I have created the optimal method of ice positioning to guarantee the coldest beer in the entire recorded history of mankind.

We picked up Jason and Karen and made our way to a backyard in the woods. Fucking boonies, baby.

First thing I noticed is that they had a table set up with booze, including Crown Royal and Crown Royal Reserve. I never had to touch the bottle I brought with me, which is a gift from the gods.

We set up our chairs in the sun, baby (my melanoma dermatologist would have cut my balls off, but what the fuck - I am feeling fatalistic. Got me a red face today and I look damn sexy.)

They had music playing. There were a lot of people there. A big crowd. A band showed up later.

Live music, booze, good friends, a happy couple, good and plentiful food, a gorgeous fucking day - THAT is living, my friends.

Something about an atmosphere like that greatly increases the capacity to absorb booze without causing major damage. Which reminds me of a great Hunter Thompson quote: "Music has always been a matter of Energy to me, a question of Fuel.........................On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio."

I believe that as well.

Anyway, if I sat at home and drank as much as I did yesterday, I would be in pain today. Instead I suffer no hangover. Just feel a little beat up.

But that is not really the point.

The point is that yesterday represented the perfect use of summer weather. We all thought we would only be there a couple of hours. We stayed for four hours.

And then we went out to dinner. Me, Carol, Jason and Karen to a great restaurant where we ate outside on the deck. Perfect ending to a perfect day.

Friday night I had that primal stirring for summer fun. Wind whipping through my now very short hair, music loud on the radio, warmth, comfort, ease. Had me a little regret too.

Saturday the regret got wiped away. In a big, loud, meaningful, over the top way. Great. Just fucking great.

I hope to say that a few more times before I am forced to scrape ice off my windshield once again.

A Proven Fact

Premium whiskey is health food.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

A Revised Game Plan

"Erratic" - Not even or regular in pattern or movement; unpredictable. Synonyms - inconsistent, irregular, unstable, turbulent, unsettled.

That's me. That's my life, neatly summed up.

Inconsistency defines me, although in certain self destructive ways I am quite consistent. If you are consistently self destructive does that then elevate said inconsistency to a virtue?

Not sure about that, but I do enjoy looking at things in reverse. I have no faith in generally accepted accounting principles.

"Generally accepted accounting principles." As an accountant you run into that phrase 315 times a week. It is accounting nerd mantra. GAAP for those in the know.

The funny thing is that I am likely to use that phrase in conversation, expecting people to understand my intent. That is how I prefer to communicate. That is why I am so often met with blank stares.

It is incredible to me how few people appreciate dry humor. Too intelligent for them. Most people need it spelled out. I will say something sarcastically - with a straight face - and people will take me literally. Amazing. I get tired of saying "I was joking". Perhaps I should seek out a different crowd to run with.

Anyway, the point I was making in my own twisted way is that I have grown to not trust conventional wisdom. There are no answers. No road map, no way to know how to live life in accordance with some universal principle. Priests don't know, doctors don't know, psychiatrists don't know, philosophers don't know.

You are on your own, Bubba.

I am erratic because I never intended to live a conventional lifestyle. I never believed in mortgages, lawn maintenance, home repair, working "for a living", deadlines or commitments.

Still don't.

So I never committed. I was never all in.

I fell into it. As a result, every job I ever had was a joke to me. I never thought I would do the nine to five. Thought my life would be more interesting than that.

I was an accountant but I was never a "good" accountant.  I could have made a lot more money if I applied myself, could have retired well, and I have no doubt I have the intelligence to do that, but there was an evil voice in my head that kept repeating "This is a fucking joke". It kept me in a strange and twisted in between, where I could hold down a job but not excel at it.

The irony of all this is that because I walked a conventional path, Carol, Keith and Craig came into my life. Three people I could not live without in any situation under any circumstance.

If The Devil sat down right next to me right now and said "I will take you back to 1975 when you were 21 years old and offer you a different life. A life completely in sync with your soul (which I will own eventually, he says with a vicious smile), one that will vanquish anxiety and fill you with fun, pride and accomplishment BUT you will never meet Carol, and Keith and Craig will never be born," I would reply "No deal, my man. Go away - we will meet up again soon enough."

That is 100% truth, whether you doubt me or not.

So here I sit. Pondering my life. I "semi-retired" on June 2, 2016. I have been semi-retired for over two years now. My plan was to retire on June 2, 2016 and be insanely wealthy by June 30. Somehow that didn't work out.

I don't get it.

In the interim Carol has been through hell, and our retirement has become a frightening and dangerous thing, at least to me.

I am not one to endure elderly housing, eat cat food and debate with Medicare representatives.

Somethings gotta give. (Great Jack Nicholson movie, by the way.)

I have revised my game plan. I expect to be insanely wealthy by June 30, 2018.