And so.......................

And so we bought a car.

Carol's dream car for a while has been a Chevy Trax. Green. Cacti Green. She has obsessed about it for a while. Drooled. Wished. Hoped.

We made it happen yesterday. A 2025 Chevrolet Trax ACTIV. Brand spanking new - 6 miles on the sucker.

Cacti Green.

Fucking beautiful. Nothing better than a brand new car. Trust me, we have not had many in our lifetime. It rejuvenates your outlook. Makes you smile. Jacks up your pride. It's just plain fun.

And it smells so damn good.

I have finally learned how to mine Carol's happiness to make it my own. When we drove out of that dealership I was bursting inside knowing how happy she was. I want Carol to be happy always.

I tamped down my natural tendencies so as to not ruin her day. Made a conscious effort to do so.

I hate buying cars. The bullshit games the dealer plays. The fucking time it takes. But I sucked it up, held it all in, and maintained a positive, supportive attitude throughout. Kept it light.

Even though it took about 3,000 hours to get it all done.

Carol apologized to me a couple of times for how long it was taking because she knows I have zero patience. I smiled and told her not to worry, I was ok with it. And really, I was.

But this ain't about me.

We just went out to do some errands, Carol driving the new car, and she was beaming. She must have said "I love this car" ten times while we were out.

So the pecking order has changed. I now park in the driveway, I gave Carol the garage and the remote garage door opener. My suggestion. She hesitated because she is so loving and considerate, but I talked her into it. She deserves it. She can look out from the kitchen any time she wants to and ogle her new toy.

This is life stuff, baby. The good stuff. The happy stuff that opens your eyes to how easy happy can be - when you're feeling it, looking for it, appreciating it - when you make it happen.

It caroms around to everything else. The flowers on the porch. The exceptional weather. The community we live in. The new friends we've made.

We have earned it. Took a long time to get here. We sacrificed a lot, sometimes unnecessarily just because saving money was just what we did. But we got a new attitude, baby. We are digging our new life as deeply as a life can be dug.

Laissez les bons temps rouler, baby.

MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 "Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness."

Allen Ginsberg

Under 180

I weigh 178 pounds.

I haven't weighed under 180 since I was in diapers. This is fucking amazing!

A month prior to knee replacement I exercised like a pig-donkey to get in shape for surgery and lose some weight. I started at 192 pounds. By the time of surgery I lost two whole pounds - down to 190 pounds.

Since surgery I have lost 12 more pounds and I am lovin't it (Kramer impersonation). It has been a long, long time since I got under 180. I am psyched and extremely motivated now to get down to 170. That's where I want to be. Unless I can do better, of course.

I am getting into dangerous territory here. Gaining confidence. Kicking ass while recovering from knee replacement surgery. Losing 14 pounds. Getting a taste for what I am actually capable of. Perhaps I am a God.

Perfect timing. I got more details of my life to get straight. To get in order so Carol and I can live worry free. Things I have to do and want to do. For us. And to soothe my battered ego.

And the hits just keep on coming.

The past year has been extraordinary. All kinds of good things have been cloud seeding my natural pessimism (realism), modifying my outlook to enthusiastically face and embrace hope and optimism.

My face feels so weird. What the fuck - am I having some kind of seizure? My cheeks are getting tight involuntarily. I'm scared - I'm almost 71 years old - anything can happen. What is this?

Oh my god, it's a smile. 

Is this what it feels like?

Pretty cool, baby - pretty damn cool.

A Lot to Think About

 Everything that I am and everything I'm not.

From The Mouth of Jesus

Wrapped up Al Pacino's autobiography this morning.

The book was like the Bible in my hands. His words were as if they came from the mouth of Jesus.

Love the man.

The people who inspire me, I love deeply. I suppose everybody is like that. These people mean so much to me that they are deeply a part of my life. In my mind, my heart; they inform my soul.

It is not an abstract thing.

Most of my idols are creative people. Pacino is fiercely creative. So his perspective comes from that angle. He sees life differently, he talks about his life uniquely, his perspective is original. He as a man and everything about him springs from creativity and a worship of the arts.

People like that touch me deeply because I wish my life was the same. It could have been, should have been, but wasn't. 

I am familiar with most of his movies so I could picture in my head what he was talking about. But the inside stories make it all more real, more interesting. Like the fact that he almost got fired while filming The Godfather. Can you believe that?

Apparently he was not bringing the intensity to the role that they were looking for. They gave him a warning. The next scene they filmed was the restaurant scene when he kills Sollozzo and McCluskey. He was so focused and intense that any doubts about him vanished.

My life is better for knowing that.

A well written, honest autobiography reveals a lot about the author if they are brave enough to be truthful.

You get a sense of who they really are.

Pacino did it right. 

He was often self-deprecating, and also often proud of his work. He revealed some of his insecurities and some of his fears.

I got to know him as a human being, which fleshed out my reverence for him and makes it more meaningful.

He's 84, man. He talks about friends and relatives who have died, he reflects about what's coming for him. But of course he does it with soul and sensitivity.

When I turned the last page I was spent, because I did not want the book to end. I want to know him even better.

So Al, please pop over to my house. We'll drink wine, eat spaghetti, and talk like brothers.

It will be devastating.

From Pacino With Love

 "There was something so absorbing about that gift of reading. It could calm your mind and give you another world to be engaged in. Television was too distant; books were more intimate, like having friends and enjoying their company."

"But I ask myself sometimes, as I grow old, how many illusions do I have? Charlie and I used to say that when you're put in the grave, your illusions come out of whatever box you're in, they hover over your tombstone and evaporate into the sky. They're the last to go."

"There is a cold, clear determination about what Slade intends to do, the weight of that depression, the way I imagine you have to die spiritually, inside yourself, before you kill yourself."

" Objectively, I never knew what the fuck I was doing. It's that simple. I went from one thing to another. I'll never learn, and that's my problem. Or my gift. I don't learn things. I'm the first one to raise my hand high and say, "I don't know." Who wants to wallow in the pretense of knowing everything? What knowledge? What do I know, that I can sit with a pipe and expound on? I'm not Socrates." (This quote really resonates with me).

Charles Laughton was 84 and paraplegic from MS - he pointed to his heart and said to Pacino - "Al, you're right here. Don't worry about me. I got my dreams at night, I got my memories, and I got my imagination. I'll be okay." (I hope I have that kind of grace when I am 84).

"This life is a dream, as Shakespeare says. I think the saddest part about dying is that you lose your memories. Memories are like wings: they keep you flying, like a bird on the wind. If I'm lucky enough, if I get to heaven perhaps I'll get to reunite with my mother there. All I want is the chance to walk up to her, look in her eyes, and simply say, "Hey, Ma, see what happened to me?"

Delightful

 I'm having such a good morning.

My Life

 Just got back.

Ran out to the library, dropped off a book, picked up two more. I was greeted warmly.

Popped in to the liquor store, grabbed up a handle of Crown Royal - nectar of the Gods.

Slipped in to Market Basket, snagged two pouches of Starbucks dark roast for $7.99. TWO for $7.99. Saved enough money to buy a Lincoln and a Movado.

It is 59 degrees. Beautiful blue sky - not a cloud in site. Had the sunroof open and The Stones blasting on the radio.

My life is fucking spectacular!

Beware

 "Most people love you for who you pretend to be."

Jim Morrison

Put Yourself Out There

 "The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask."

Jim Morrison

Time Has Come Today

 Every thought I have, every action I take, every action I avoid, has to be examined for signs of cowardice from the perspective of identifying the motive in each instance.

This is critical.

When cowardice is exposed to the light of day, it must then be extinguished. With extreme prejudice.

Instance by instance.

Exhausting work, but more critical than ever in year 71.

Potential is refreshing and hopeful, but you gotta destroy roadblocks to enable the eagle to fly.

It is time.

Two By Jung

 "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

"The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you."

Carl Jung

Two Joes

Holy shit - I landed another job.

That makes three since I got here. Three in 2024.

People trust me. They trust both of me. The fact that I quit both of the other jobs after only a month each is irrelevant.

There's Interview Joe - the phony who knows exactly what to say at every interview, who knows how to exude confidence, project empathy and likability - who is smooth - a gifted performance artist.

There is Real Joe. I recently dusted him off. He hasn't seen the light of day for decades. For this most recent interview I decided that I was sick of playacting - I decided to just be myself..............and it worked! Who knew?

It wasn't easy - I slip into character at the drop of a hat - sometimes subconsciously. At Market Basket, in a bar, in public conversations, in private conversations - the smile flashes, the charm illuminates, the words flow like melted butter - and once again I am taking prisoners.

But I focused and pulled it off. Afterwards, in my car, I congratulated myself for being myself. It was a warm moment.

I watched Hard Knocks Off Season a few months ago. The Giants were evaluating potential draft candidates. If I was ever interviewed the way these guys were interviewed - ever in my life - I would have ended up a drunkard, living in a one room cold water flat in slumsville. And I would have no teeth.

The coach would draw up a play on the whiteboard. He would name it - 25ZLeftJuke14RandallPumpkinBreadEasy36 - and then ask the candidate "What do you do when the defense lines up like this? But what if they are faking it and shift into this coverage? What do you do? But what if this guy decides to blitz? Who do you go to?" After a few minutes of conversation the coach would say "Oh, by the way - what was the name of the play again?"

These guys nailed it. Fucking amazing.

So here we are. Got me another job. A librarian's assistant. Who could ever have guessed that? I have learned in the past year to go with the flow. Why not? A magical, positive karma has been protecting Carol and me over the last 12 months - I accept it and allow it to infuse my cells and my heart and my soul. Been waiting a lifetime for this feeling.

The job is so close to my home that I could literally walk there. AND the interviewer said to me "This library is pretty quiet - you might have to find ways to occupy yourself from time to time." I'm surrounded by books! Jesus loves me.

The customer service jobs I have worked for the past eight years have been stressful. Fast paced and busy. I'm ready for quiet. And a paycheck.

Two days a week, 8 hour days, and one 4 hour Saturday a month. Beautiful. That leaves me time to write The Great American novel. Or to drink whiskey and take naps.

I'm telling you, man - I had this vague roadmap of my life in the beginning. Actually, it was more of a feeling than a roadmap - but I knew how I wanted to end up.

I ain't there - not even close. But fuck it. What I have is not so bad. In fact it's pretty goddamn good.

Who knew?

Uh Oh..........

 Is there no growth?

Is there no catharsis?

No Wrong Turns

 There are no wrong turns, only unexpected destinations.

I like that. It allows me to explain away most of my life and sound adventurous.

I'm gonna go with it.

Can I?

 How far can I take this?

Can I become a man to be feared?

Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson was "an Oxford scholar, a defensive back, a bartender, a Golden Gloves Boxer, a gandy dancer, a forest-fighter, a road crew member, and an Army Ranger who flew helicopters. He was a peacenik, a revolutionary, an actor, a superstar, a Casanova, and a family man. He was almost a teacher at West Point, but he gave that up to become a Nashville songwriting bum."

I stole that description from his official website because I didn't want to miss anything.

This is a tough one for me. I am a word guy. In my mind the highest evolution of writing is when you can match your words to music. Kris did that in a way that was so accessible. He expressed high thoughts and deep truths effortlessly. Real people understand the depths of what he is saying because he speaks directly to their hearts.

I hate lists, I hate to rank things, especially regarding music, because I love music with my heart and soul, and my tastes range across a wide spectrum.

But Kris Kristofferson occupies rare air in my life. Bob Dylan, Townes Van Zandt, Leonard Cohen, Kris Kristofferson - that might be the four that I worship most. Kris is #1 - I loved that man so much.

Springsteen, Paul Simon, Willie Nelson - cream of the crop, man. Right up there. But Dylan, Cohen, Van Zandt, and Kristofferson have a way of expressing deep philosophies, of expressing raw truths about the heart and life and what it means to be human; they make you think and appreciate and feel and investigate and smile and cry. They talk about small things in life that connect us all as humans; they express big thoughts that make you want to improve your life and your mind.

Staggering talents.

I am struggling here because I do not want to say anything inconsequential. I cannot tell you how many times I listened to Kris's lyrics in awe - amazed at how he expressed himself and how it related to my own life and mind.

I am always looking for stimulation. I am often bored. I live for the moments when I can lose myself in pure emotion, pure thought; for the moments when my mind recoils in horror at being exposed to what it doesn't know, forced to put in the work to learn more. Or the moments when anxiety, worry, self-doubt and fear are quieted in my mind by music, poetry, philosophy.

Kris Kristofferson gave me all of that all the time. I was humbled to listen to him.

Carol and I saw him in concert at the Hampton Beach Casino. The band took a break - Kris walked out the big doors leading to the parking lot, I went to the men's room. Walking back, as I passed the doors, one swung open and in walked Kris - he passed within five feet of me. I said nothing - I was in awe. I should have shaken his hand, told him how much he meant to me. Still, I was purified by his aura.

We saw him in Keene - alone, on stage. Just Kris Kristofferson and his guitar - no band. It was so intimate it was mind blowing.

Bob Dylan - "Everything was very copacetic. Everything was all right until - Kris Kristofferson came to town. Oh, they ain't seen anybody like him. He came into town like a wildcat, flew his helicopter into Johnny Cash's backyard like a typical songwriter. And he went for the throat............................you can look at Nashville pre-Kris and post-Kris - because he changed everything." (Dylan - 2015).

I cannot choose my favorite Kris lyrics - but these always blow me away because it feels like they summarize an entire life, and the universal struggles and questions connected with just being human:

"Am I young enough to believe in revolution, am I strong enough to get down on my knees and pray, am I high enough on the chain of evolution to respect myself, and my brother and my sister, and perfect myself in my own peculiar way." From Pilgrim's Progress.

I loved you with my heart and soul, Kris Kristofferson. I always will. Your talent brought me such peace and joy, you added years to my life. You lived your life in fierce expression of your soul, no matter what.

It will take me a very long time to get over your death.

Requiescat in pace, Kris Kristofferson.

You have left a void in this world that will never be filled.

Dominoes

My generation is poised to endure a world of hurt.

Kris Kristofferson just died at the age of 88.

Wille Nelson is 91. Ringo Starr is 84. Paul McCartney is 82. Keith Richards is 80. Mick Jagger is 81. Bob Dylan is 83.

Those are the people who inspired my generation to be rebels. They are gods.

Elton John is 77. Billy Joel is 75. Bruce Springsteen is 75. Roger Daltry is 80. Pete Townshend is 79. Robby Krieger is 78. John Densmore is 79. Eric Clapton is 79. Paul Simon is 82. Robert Plant is 76. Jimmy Page is 80. Van Morrison is 79. Eric Burdon is 83.

I fear that when they fall, they will fall like dominoes. I have been thinking about this for a few years now. I pray that Kris Kristofferson does not start a trend.

It is painful to think about because of what they all represented - youth. Rebellion. Fierce iconoclasm.

But life, relentless as it is, is wearing them down, grinding them down, stealing their fire. Eventually, snuffing their lives. A lesson for everybody, but especially for my generation.

These people brought a new perspective to us and challenged us to live our lives boldly, in accordance with our souls, and against the ridiculous and suffocating rules that "normal" life imposes. In a way, they gave us false hope. Then again, they were inspiring - those of us who did not follow their religion can only blame themselves. And, most of them are still rocking, even now.

On one hand I appreciate everything they gave to us. Love it, actually. On the other hand, as they go, I know I - and most of my generation - will be devastated.

My generation is making room for the generations that followed us.

It is inevitable.