Four Kings

First of all, I am once again alive.

The French Open, baby. Bring it on.

Also, earlier this week a retirement ceremony was held at Roland-Garros to honor Rafael Nadal. I had to watch it.

A large part of it was boring. Unfortunately, Rafa decided to go the "thank everybody" route in his farewell speech. I am against that in any ceremony anywhere.

It's boring. No matter the sport or the occasion, we all know it takes a lot of people to create a winner. No need to name them all. A simple "thanks to everybody who got me here" will do. Then get to the meat and potatoes - your emotions, your love of the sport, the beauty it brought to your life, the magnificent people you met and played against, how much it meant to you, how badly you will miss it.

But Rafa did the list. And he did it in English, then French, then Spanish. Took a long time. I almost changed the channel but I love Rafa too much, so I hung in. Lots of tears, that always gets to me. That's how you know how much his career meant to him. LOTS of tears.

Anyway I hung in. And thank God because towards the end there was a short clip played showing the three guys who battled with Rafa over decades. Saying cool things. And then.............they walked out onto the court.

Andy Murray, Roger Federer, and Novac Djokovic. The four of them got together. They hugged, they talked, they laughed. Genuine love and respect.

These guys are titans of the sport. They are fucking gods. 

The things those guys have achieved, the mark they made on the sport (Djokovic still is!!!!!!!) is incomparable. And to watch them talking together, laughing, shedding a few tears, busting each other's balls, well, shit man, it made my fucking day. It was inspirational.

Rafa owned the French Open. He won it 14 times - fourteen. During that time he won 114 matches, losing only 4. That is stunning.

I so much miss seeing him slide around that court. Always playing balls to the wall.

He smiled a lot. He is humble, resilient, and he persevered always, and against every setback and challenge. Until his body could take no more.

Hunter S. Thomson once wrote: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!"

Rafa played tennis that way and I loved him for it.

I wish for him a long, loving, peaceful, and fulfilling retirement.

Dedicated To Our Dicktator

 Ben Franklin:

 "A despot who enriches himself at the expense of his people is not to be feared. He is to be reviled."

TRY HARDER!

 F: "Afraid? AFRAID? Afraid of what, for Christ sake? Be a man. Grow some balls. Do what you gotta do, and then maybe you can hang some mirrors back up on the wall. Jesus!"

J: "But, F..........."

F: "Don't "but" me. Don't whine. Jesus, what a pantywaist. Do you want to die suffocated under a mountain of regret? You gotta get a job? You need more money? You got a million options if you would just open up your mind. Just do it."

J: "I'm trying, but it's not easy."

F: "Not easy? NOT EASY? Life is not easy. It's not supposed to be. You gotta fight your way through it to get what you want. That's how you earn respect. TRY HARDER!"

J: "I'm old, nobody wants to give me a job. It's not fair."

F: "Oh, for fuck's sake. Give you a job? Just take it. Go out and get it. Lie, cheat, steal - write up a phony resume, there are no rules any more. Lying is our new national past-time so jump in with both feet."

J: "I'm not sure I can do that."

F: "The president of the United States just lied his way into the job for the second time. The fucking president! If he can get away with that, you can lie your way into some manager job that pays $75K. Kill your conscience and you can accomplish anything."

J: "You know, you might have a point."

F: "Of course I have a point. Look, man - if you ever want to get out of that Hyundai and into a Lincoln, if you want to buy nice clothes, if you want to vacation in Ibiza, if you want to spoil your wife, if you want fucking respect! - you gotta get tough. You gotta fight. Fuck everybody else and fuck the rules. You're too damn sensitive."

J: "Fuck it. I'm doing it. I got nothing to lose. Just thinking about it gets my testosterone flowing. Shit, man - I feel more manly already."

F: "There you go. I knew you had it in you. You'll learn quick, the more you screw people the easier it gets. Who knows, maybe you'll get rich."

J: "I like the sound of that. All right, I'm hitting the road, man."

J leaves the bar.

F turns to the bartender and says "Can you put that on my tab, Frank? I'm a little short right now."

Graveyard Shift

 There are a few people I know, that if I even think about them at all, my only thought is that I would definitely make the time to go to their funeral.

Monday

 Monday carries with it the crushing weight of reality.

Defending Your Life

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

Every life needs a purpose.

So Much More Than This

"We had an apartment in the city and me and Loretta liked living there. Well, it'd been years since the kids had grown, a life of their own and left us alone.

John and Linda live in Omaha, and Joe is somewhere on the road. We lost Davy in the Korean war, and I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore.

You know that old trees just grow stronger, and old rivers grow wilder every day. Old people just grow lonesome, waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello".

Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more, she sits and stares through the back door screen. And all the news just repeats itself, like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.

Some day I'll go and call up Rudy, we worked together at the factory. But what could I say if he asks "What's new?" "Nothin', what's with you? Nothin' much to do."

You know that old trees just grow stronger, and old rivers grow wilder every day. Old people just grow lonesome, waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello".

So if you're walkin' down the street sometime, and spot some hollow, ancient eyes, please don't just pass 'em by and stare, as if you didn't care. Say "Hello in there, hello."

Hello in There, John Prine

I have so much more than this, for which I am enormously grateful.

But I am 71. Sometime in the future, Carol will die and I'll live alone, or I will die and Carol will live alone. Before that, we most likely will go downhill health-wise and life will get a lot harder.

If I don't make the right moves in the chaos that is America right now, we could end up in a lot of trouble. We have very little financial security.

I am afraid. These are the thoughts going through my head and I can't shut them down.

I have stumbled through every crossroads in my life, taking the wrong direction or no direction. This is my last chance to get it right, and my track record gives me no confidence that I can do what needs to be done. That I can actually pull this off.

This is not how I want to spend my old age, but you reap what you sow.

I want to leave Carol some comfort. I'll never be able to make enough money for her to be worry-free - it's too late for that now, I blew it. The most I can do is pad the bank account as much as I am able to so she has a softer landing. Our sons will always be there for her after the cushion is gone, no worries there.

It's a heavy load. I gotta make better decisions, I gotta believe in myself. No more prostrating myself for chump change like I have been doing for the last 10 years; I can do better. I have been trying, but so far no good.

I am trying to do it with dignity. Trying to get into something that will challenge me, make use of whatever talents I have, and make me feel proud. I owe that to myself.

I am also trying hard to appreciate what we have now, instead of killing happiness with worry. Contrary to the way I have lived my life up to this point. We are OK right now. Our life is good. Pretty peaceful. We are happy, we have each other. We have a loving family, and we have the extraordinary gift of Jackson. I am becoming more aware of how lucky I am and it feels good.

Still, I am afraid. There are days when I sit in front of the computer with grand designs, job hunting, and end up walking away defeated. Despondent. But I will not give up. Honestly I want to find some success for myself so my family can say "Wow, he really changed in the last ten years of his life. He finally showed what he was capable of." More importantly, much more importantly, I want Carol to have as little to worry about as possible.

I don't want to end up with hollow, ancient eyes. I hope to get through this with a spark in my eyes. Some life. 

A hint of a smile.

History indicates..................

 "The depths of human depravity are astounding, but the mind is resilient, though the soul is always in danger."

From The Maze, by Nelson DeMille

TB

 Whenever I am really fucking pissed off and I don't know what to do, I wonder.....

What would Travis Bickle do?

Just Can't Do It

No fucking how hard I try, I just can't look cool in my 2020 Hyundai Elantra.

I can do better.

The Death of America

I am reading historical fiction.

Something new to me and quite delicious. Book about the Revolutionary War - two volumes, actually.

Dig this quote: "There is an awful danger when the people become accustomed to tyranny. If the people learn to accept small abuses, then larger abuses will follow. It is like a disease, crippling slowly, until the body is beyond repair.

...................When there are loud voices here, London hears them, and they back down. But when the voices are quiet, London grows brave again, bringing more abuses, stretching their own laws, reaching their fingers ever so slowly into our pockets, our homes, our rights."

And this one: "If the mere delivery of a petition is considered an offense, and the messengers are so abused, then who will perform the duty? It is a dangerous thing for any state to maintain its power by plugging up the vent of complaints, stifling the voices of the people. When complaining becomes a crime, hope becomes despair."

And this: "Stupidity. Blind, incredible stupidity! You don't slap an entire people across the face, put chains on a town, and expect....what? Sullen acceptance? Quiet regret? Who in England believes that this will be resolved by a renewed peace, an end to controversy? Starve us, enslave us, and then expect that we will be humbled into grateful obedience? How can they believe it will ever become normal again? Will the king and his amazing audience of buffoons ever consent to give us back all of what they have taken away?"

From Rise to Rebellion, by Jeff Shaara

As I read this book it haunts me to realize that every grievance the colonists had against England is the same as those that intelligent Americans have against putintrump.

Feels like I am reading a history of the birth of America at the exact moment of the death of America.

Paul & Lisa Are Gone

Paul and Lisa are gone.

Son of a bitch.

They are good friends that we made here at Pre-Death Central. I'm comfortable calling it that because my doctor has been comfortable telling me for 10 years or more that I am pre-diabetic. Every fucking year at the annual physical. Pre-diabetic. Still I eat my Snickers Bars and drink my whiskey.

Pre-death because this place is a prelude to the cemetery. No one here gets out alive. Most of the crowd is older than me and Carol. Many in their eighties, some in their nineties. Been a few deaths since we moved in a year and a half ago.

This is why we treasure Paul and Lisa. Lisa is 60, Paul is 65. And they like to party. 

We get together for dinner - sometimes their place, sometimes ours, sometimes we go out. We run into them out walking, they run into us out walking, we sit together at community functions.

We talk, we laugh, we drink.

I need that. I love that. I worship that.

They spend summers in Maine. They headed up on May 1 and the air got sucked out of the room.

We met them late in 2023 when we first moved here. Got along immediately, but they spent a chunk of the winter in Florida, and all of the summer of 2024 in Maine. So we didn't really get to know them. When they came back in the fall, the friendship deepened.

We spent a lot of fall 2024 with them, all of winter 2025, and part of spring. Now they are gone.

There are a lot of very nice people here. Even a woman (who's name I always forget) who drinks Crown Royal and ginger ale. So we are Crown Royal buddies. Nice lady. But these people are not crazy, unless you count dementia.

So I'm feeling empty. Hollowed out like the Tin Man. And I definitely don't have a heart. But I do have excessive gas.

This place is safe, it is quiet, it is pretty. I love it. But that is not enough for me. I gotta have insanity. Irreverence. I gotta break some rules.

We're gonna go visit P&L in Maine sometime this summer. Spend the night. That will be great. Everything is within walking distance for them so they often do a pub-crawl kind of thing. Grab dinner somewhere, walk to a bar, walk to another bar, and the band plays on. Looking forward to it.

Until then, I'll keep my toenails neatly clipped, and volunteer at the local food pantry every other Wednesday.

Gonna be a big summer.

Now THAT'S Livin'

 "I sure like that candy, I don't go for them turnip greens...................so when you put it on the table, oh mama think about me.

Well, I don't drink coca cola, but I sure like the old moonshine.................yeah, we drink it from a fruit jar, with my little baby by my side.

Well, I don't much like walking, but I love my Eldorado ride.......................yeah we run it 'round the cornfield, with my little baby by my side"

Candy, by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Happiness is Relative

 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde

Legacy Denied

 "I'm not particularly interested in dying with fuck all to show for it."

Movie quote and a good one.

Would You?

 If you woke up with the phrase "ghost-monger cocoa pie" running through your head  over and over and over again...................would you question your sanity?