I Am Older Now.....................

 "I am older now, I have more than what I wanted, but I wish that I had started long before I did.

And there's so much time to make up everywhere you turn, time we have wasted on the way, so much water moving underneath the bridge, let the water come and carry us away.

Look round you now, you must go for what you wanted, look at all my friends who did and got what they deserved.

So much love to make up everywhere you turn, love we have wasted on the way, so much water moving underneath the bridge, let the water come and carry us away."

From Wasted on the Way, by Graham Nash

Electric jolts of life, of change - have been rocking me for 6 and 1/2 months now. This is good. I could not avoid change if I wanted to. It's been like trying to take a nap in the back yard on a hot August day, while the neighbor intermittingly plays Black Sabbath, breaks for lunch, then Metallica, runs to the store, then Foo Fighters, studies the bible, then Led Zeppelin.

For Christ sake, my complacency has been shattered......................and circumstance is resurrecting my soul.

It has been relentless and consistent. Including cycle of life stuff - the birth of my grandson, the death of my cousin. It doesn't get any more real than that.

Prodding and pushing me while I try to make up for this and to atone for that. Redirecting me from the senseless road I have been on for decades, onto the road, my road, a road to deliver my soul to a peaceful place. The road that was laid out for me at birth, which I quickly veered off of like a drunk driver asleep at the wheel.

I feel very good. I embrace change enthusiastically because I have hungered for it over a lifetime. 

All I need now is enough time to make up for wasted time.

What Are Their Names

Monday night, late, I was watching and listening to a David Crosby and Graham Nash concert from 2011 recorded in Connecticut. Had a glass of whiskey by my hand, it was after midnight, I was sitting in the dark. That's how you do it right.

When I listen to Crosby and Nash I am tapped into a direct pipeline to God. They harmonize exquisitely, and the lyrics slap you in the face. You could call them throwbacks to hippy times but they are not throwbacks - the lyrics are even more meaningful today in this fucked up, cold-hearted, backwards, hate-filled world.

David Crosby died on January 18, 2023 and I cried.

Dig the lyrics to the song What Are Their Names:

"I wonder who they are, the men who really run this land, and I wonder why they run it with such a thoughtless hand, what are their names and on what streets do they live? I'd like to ride right over this afternoon and give them a piece of my mind about peace for mankind, peace is not an awful lot to ask."

I want to drive to D.C. and punch every politician I run into in the face. republicans AND democrats. These fucking corrupt, brainless, cold-hearted money puppets who care more about their wallets and power than they do about the lives of the people they supposedly "represent."

They are supposed to protect us and improve the quality of our lives. Instead they steal from us and destroy the quality of our lives.

Thank god we have music like that of David Crosby and Graham Nash to soothe our souls, even temporarily, from the evils of those we ironically call "leaders."

Between Heaven and Hell

 "Somewhere between Heaven and Hell a soul knows where it's been, I want to feel my spirit lifted up and catch my breath again."

From Lay Me Down, by James Raymond.

James Raymond is David Crosby's son. Crosby gave him up for adoption in 1962 - Crosby was 21 at the time. Raymond was adopted by the Raymond family as a newborn and had a happy childhood. He had no idea who his birth father was. Interestingly enough, Raymond ended up pursuing a career in music. 

He started looking for his birth father when he was in his late 20's, saw the name David Crosby on his birth certificate but did not think it was the David Crosby.

They finally met in 1994 and ultimately ended up playing, writing, and recording music together. They even started a band with Jeff Pevar called Crosby, Pevar, and Raymond - CPR.

Is that not an amazing story?

Anyway, I love the lyric because to me it implies hope - if you are between Heaven and Hell it means you have not reached the destination yet. Your soul knows where it's been. The good and the bad. There is still time to change your ultimate fate.

March 22, 2024

A spectacular day. My grandson was born.

Jackson Joseph Testa.

Why have I waited so long to talk about it? Because of how fucked up the world is today. As if going public with this magic was the wrong thing to do.

I can no longer keep this love and pride to myself.

He is a miracle. He is beautiful, precious, a unique and brand new human being who is relying on his parents to protect and inspire and teach him until he is capable of living his own life.

He's got the right parents. My son Craig, my daughter-in-law Amanda. Two loving and sensitive people. Two intelligent human beings with fine-tuned senses of humor. Two people who are tough enough to handle the world and tough enough to handle taking care of a precious new life.

He is 4 and 1/2 weeks old. I am 70 years old. This gives me a new and unexpected perspective.

Life is very different now. My life has been rocked and rejuvenated by Jackson's life.

When I hold him in my arms my heart overflows with the purest of love and my soul soars. I feel so alive.

I reflect on what I have done with my life and wonder what Jackson will do with his. What will his personality be like, what will he be into, will he be an athlete or a musician or both? Will he be an academic or a race car driver? What will his sense of humor be like? Will he regard me with respect and appreciation? Will he have the guts to be honest with me about who I am, what I say, what I do? Call me out on my bullshit? I believe we will have an honest and open and natural relationship.

Here is what I think. First of all I think he will have a great sense of humor, because Craig and Amanda are naturally funny - it's in his DNA. I think he will be smart. I think he will be his own man. I think he will be interesting, never, ever boring. I think he will take charge of his life and do what he wants with it. He doesn't have to be a famous athlete or a successful musician or any other fantasy you can name - but he will live his own life, and that is the ultimate success for any human.

I think he will make people around him happy. I think people will want to be around him.

I think he will love me, but not as much as I love him. That's the way it works. He needs 70 years under his belt to feel love for me the way I feel it for him. That's ok. That's natural. His love will continue to make my soul soar forever.

Welcome to the world, Jackson. Welcome to your parents, you are lucky to have them.

I love you with all the love I have in me. A love that is ferocious and real and honest and intense, amplified through 70 years of life.

I love you Jackson.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

May you never doubt that.

Being 70

 "I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be decades younger. I wanted to be everything except what I was. Unfortunately, at a certain age, wanting something you can't be or wanting what you can't have can become a way of life."

From The New Iberia Blues, by James Lee Burke

No Way To Think

My cousin Mary Ann died over the weekend.

I believe she was 81. Carol and I hadn't seen her in decades, but we reconnected a few years ago and it was so nice. We enjoyed dinner at her condo a few times, had great conversations. We emailed each other, shared phone calls. Carol had a great and extended conversation with her just last week.

Her death was unexpected.

Since we moved to the new house I was not in as regular contact with her as I had been previously. I was distracted. Kept telling myself "I should email Mary Ann." I didn't. Then she died.

I feel deep regret.

My friend Nelson died last year. Very unexpectedly. I went to high school with him. Over the years I only saw him sporadically. Always through my brother Ed, who had a closer relationship with Nelson. But when I was with Nelson.............I laughed. I was never bored. When he died I deeply regretted not actively pursuing our friendship.

Carol has a cool aunt named Paula. The love of Paula's life was Bill. Bill was peculiar in a good way. He took conversations down twisted paths. He was fun and unique and never boring. He was sick a few years back. He called us, had a conversation with Carol, but I never picked up the phone. He died shortly thereafter. I deeply regret not talking to him one last time.

That is just three people. I am sad to say that many more of my family members have died, and some friends. I can feel sadly regretful about each one of those deaths. It's not hard to do.

That's no way to think.

The last few years with Mary Ann were magnificent. Great, peaceful gatherings. Honest, emotional, meaningful. Nelson and Bill were gifts - two men who were powerfully unique, who kept me off balance and made me smile as they did it.

There is no room in life for regret.

There is a great deal of room for gratitude.

Buddy Guy - Aura

Saw Buddy Guy Friday night.

Buddy Guy is God. King of Wild & Crazy Blues. Buddy Guy is 87 years old.

His opener was Bobby Rush. Bobby is 90 years old. He's lost a step or two, but he still brings it. A little more energy than Buddy. But seeing them together on the same stage was mind-blowing. You wanna talk about history? Blues history? It was all right there, baby.

Towards the end of the concert Buddy brought his son on stage - Greg Guy - also an accomplished blues guitar player (surprisingly enough). It was fitting to see father and son on stage together doing what they do; it was emotional considering the fact that Buddy is giving up touring after this tour.

I have seen Buddy a few times over the years and he was always larger than life. Whipping his guitar into a frenzy that broke strings and showed up other guitar players. Wailing and flying, playing the blues like rock 'n roll. Loud and fast.

Of course he played slow blues beautifully too - rip your heart out.

Powerful voice, powerful presence.

Last night he walked around the stage like Joe Biden. Buddy was sick last year - this concert was scheduled for 2023 but was re-scheduled because he was sick. He's lost a lot of weight. Lost some energy. He handed off most of the guitar solos to his guitar player. He talked a lot. But he still brought it in his own unique way.

Hard to watch from a health or aging perspective but......................he is still Buddy fucking Guy.

Because he has an aura. 

When you age you gotta have an aura or you will just disappear. Your body is gonna break down, your mind is gonna slow down, you will project a sense of frailty - there will be a sign around your neck that says "I am vulnerable." It fucking sucks but it's inevitable.

Aura is your weapon and your shield.

Your personality, your achievements, the way you lived your life - whatever it is about you that makes you you - that's got to be front and center as your body betrays you.

Or you will be overlooked, as if you are already dead.

It broke my heart to see Buddy looking vulnerable. But do you think, if I got a chance to talk to him that night, I would have said "Buddy I'm so sorry to see you this way, to see you handing off guitar solos to someone else, shuffling around the stage uncertainly?"

Fuck no.

I would have said "Buddy, I love you man. Thanks for a great show and a great career."

Because he has an aura.

He is Buddy fucking Guy.