Lakota

I pray to god Lakota was not in any pain.

Especially when I was with her. It was my job to comfort her. It breaks my heart to think how confused and frightened she must have been. It would kill me to know that she was in pain.

I wish I could have held her in my arms for 1 hour and 10 minutes. But she wouldn't let me. She never let me hold her. She did not like to be picked up.

I tried over the years. I'm a guy who needs hugs and kisses. My love is intimate. I tried every once in a while. I would pick her up and she would immediately squirm to get down.

If there was ever a time when she needed to be held it was Friday morning. And I couldn't do it.

I pray to god that whatever happened to her happened shortly before I found her. I cannot bear to think she was like that for hours. Scared, confused and just waiting for someone to help her. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that.

I hate closing the bathroom door. It kills me. I hate walking by her box. I sit in my recliner and glance over at the box over and over again. When she was in there I could see her. I used to look over at her and wait happily for her to walk over and climb up into my lap. The box has got to go. I hate putting down one bowl of food.

Sadness sits in my stomach like a piece of lead. It has not gone away.

My brain is at war with my heart. Yesterday I went out to do errands. Carol went out too. I beat Carol home. Maka came to greet me. Lakota did not. My brain does not accept the fact that she is gone. I glance around expecting to see her.

My heart tells me the truth.

I know I will get past this. I have in the past. But it doesn't feel right to think that I will get past this. She meant so much to me. I don't ever want to forget her. I don't ever want her out of my heart.

I don't want to love Maka with sadness oozing out of me. I pet her with tears in my eyes. I hold her with tears in my eyes. Maka loves to be held, thank god. But I don't want her to feel my sadness and I know she does. She is an animal. Animals get everything. I don't want her to associate sadness with me and her.

I love Maka deeply. I have loved all my pets deeply. That is how I love. Lakota was my sweetheart, my pretty girl. That's what I always called her. Sweetheart. Pretty girl. But I love Maka with all my heart too. She brings me enormous joy.

I want to believe she is sad too. I think she misses Lakota.

Maka has been in my lap most of yesterday and all day today. Thank god.

I hate the fact that tomorrow is Monday. I do not want to return to routine. I am not going to get over this quickly. Friday at work was brutal. I could not concentrate. Tears came to my eyes over and over. It felt so wrong to be working a meaningless job after a precious life had been taken away from me.

Sadness sits in my stomach like a piece of lead.