Dissembler

 I was reading some tasty fiction recently and one of the characters was described in this way:

"She was a dissembler."

Holy shit, I thought - that's me. That's a perfect description of me. And I like it because it's a bit of an obscure word - you never use it, do you? Actually, neither do I.

Google AI (which we cannot live without from now on - how did we ever get by without it) defines a dissembler as " a person who hides their true feelings or intentions, or who pretends to have different ones. Synonyms include: hypocrite, pretender, charlatan, deceiver, impostor, fake, and phony."

Wait, what? That's a bit harsh, don't you think?

I dissemble to survive. I tell you what you want to hear because it takes too goddamn much effort to set you straight. Where's the harm? You walk away happy, and I walk away with some energy left in the tank.

If you are family, you get pretty damn close to the truth. I don't bullshit family. Unless you want the truth about what's really going on in my head - you're never going to get that. Shit, man - if I told you the absolute truth about how I feel about myself and my life, you'd put me on suicide watch.

Wait a minute - that's what I've been doing in here for 14 years now.

Shit, now that I think about it, I feel naked. Although there are only a handful of people who read the effluvia that pollutes this blog.

I think it's safe to continue dissembling. Only a few will know the truth.

You look quite distinguished wearing that cravat.