The central paradox of my life is that I am pure emotion.
It starts at skin level and penetrates down to and through my heart and my soul and my essence.
And yet I cannot live my life in that way. Openly. Honestly. Emotionally.
Gotta put on the show; gotta deal with everybody else putting on the show.
It feels so disingenuous to me, such a waste of time. And life.
Because so many people are sensitive and deal with emotional pain and insecurity and doubt and confusion. I want to sit down with these people and talk - honestly. No fucking bullshit.
I want to open up. I want them to open up. No fear of retribution. No fear of ridicule.
It just doesn't happen.
There are many things about my life that frustrate me but, suddenly I realize, that is THE thing, the truth, that keeps me off balance and prevents me from feeling any peace at all.
Two recent experiences have sparked this violent reaction in my brain.
I watched a "comedy" special on HBO featuring a guy named Chris Gethard called "Career Suicide".
Heavy fucking duty.
The guy is a deeply sensitive, insecure guy who attempted to commit suicide in a spontaneous and somewhat bizarre way.
Obviously he survived. He decided to put together a performance where he airs out all his insecurities; where he talks about the suicide attempt.
There are long periods of time during the performance where you are not laughing. Where what is being said is raw and personal. Then he makes you laugh.
I love stuff like this. I do not need a laugh a minute riot. I need deep and thought provoking stuff that makes me uncomfortable - and then makes me laugh.
This is the kind of show where many insensitive assholes would describe Gethard as a fucking wimp. People who would say "What the fuck is this?" As he bares his soul.
These are people who cannot admit to their own insecurities. Bluff and bluster. Actors.
I have no use for them.
Exactly ten minutes ago I finished watching a movie called "Winter Passing".
I am not even going to bother summarizing the plot.
All I can say is that it dragged me in immediately, emotionally, and kept me there until the end.
Personal relationships. Family. Fuck ups. Unconventional connections and lifestyles.
Ed Harris is one of the characters. I love Ed Harris. If you want a real treat it also features Will Ferrell in a deeply emotional and vulnerable role.
Every fucking time I come a cross a movie like this - a performance like this - a book like this - a play like this - a poem like this - it breaks me down to exactly who I am.
And increases my sadness at not being able to live my life within this reality of who I am. Not being able to spend time with people who are willing to be brutally honest about who they are, what they are afraid of, what they genuinely feel, how they deal with their life and how they want to change it.
People who are not afraid to speak their dreams aloud.
I don't know what to do about this.