I Love David Letterman

I was home Wednesday afternoon watching a Sarah Silverman stand up special on Netflix.

I have been burying myself in comedy lately; I will discuss that in a subsequent post.

Anyway I was digging her irreverence when the phone rang. I did not answer it because I saw that it was from Dartmouth-Hitchcock; I guessed it was related to Carol's next surgery; I knew Carol would have to talk to them anyway.

And, truthfully, I did not want to take the call.

The message left was: "Please call us regarding pre-registration for your November 2nd appointment".

At that point in time we did not have a November 2nd appointment. We have been waiting to hear for weeks. What they should have done is have someone call and say "OK, we finally have an appointment for your surgery. You will be hearing from people about pre-registration etc.".

That's not how the fucking medical community works. They would rather slam you in the face with your "November 2nd appointment".

I could not focus on Sarah Silverman. I suddenly had a discomfort in my gut as if I just swallowed a 10 pound ball of lead.

We have been waiting to hear and simultaneously hoping not to, I guess. At least that's what I translated from my emotional and physical reaction.

Carol got home, called these people back and eventually started yelling at them about the lack of information and, by inference, their lack of compassion.

She also admitted that she is nervous. Very nervous, which is killing me. Because my role is to comfort her as much as possible. I am working hard at it but at times like that it is so, so hard for both of us.

Thursday morning before I went to work I was watching the Jimmy Kimmel show, which I had recorded because David Letterman was the featured guest.

Carol and I love David Letterman. We watched his show avidly. There is no questioning that he was the next Johnny Carson. No one came close and no one ever will. His unbelievable wit, his intelligence, his low key delivery, his sensitivity, his insanity. Fucking amazing. And fuck Jay Leno.

As I became drawn back into Letterman's persona, a feeling of comfort and familiarity came over me. I smiled, couldn't help it. Then I shed a few tears, couldn't help it.

Because he lightened my load. He made me forget for a few minutes. I got lost in my admiration for the man. He made me laugh, for Christ sake. He made me laugh.

The little things, man. The little things get you through shit like this. At least it helps.

Although big things are there to lean on and for comfort.

Big things like Keith and Craig. Who love their mother so much and she takes such comfort in that.

Thank God for our sons.

But since I cannot lean on them 100% of the time I guess I will continue to look for the little things.

Like David Letterman. And anything else I can find to keep me spirited. Got a feeling I am going to need this for quite a while.

And once again, and I will continue to do this, I need to emphasize that Carol is the one who is really suffering. The one enduring the indignities and soul-deep fear in a way that no one else can ever understand.

I am not looking for empathy. But I have to let this shit out or I will explode.

This blog is where I get to do that.