Birthday Thoughts - #64.

It is 10:41 pm on January 1, 2018 as I begin to write this post.

I am alone. Sort of. Lakota is sound asleep on my lap, Maka is sleeping on the back of the chair to my right, Carol has gone to bed.

Carol has gone to bed because she has to get up early tomorrow. She is going back to work full time.

Full fucking time.

I would give anything, anything at all, for her to never have to work full time for one more day in her life.

This is fucking killing me. Imagine what it is doing to her.

Had a nice day today. Celebrating my birthday with my brother Ed, his new woman Carolina, and my son Keith.

Was that the right thing to do? Celebrating my birthday while Carol suffers every single motherfucking day?

I don't know anymore. I do not know what is the right thing to do. Don't even know what is the right thing to feel.

Keith showed up, I hugged him and burst into tears. Don't know where it came from. Maybe I am just overwhelmed. Blown away to have my family around me, crushed by the expectations of a new year.

I don't want to go to bed. I don't want tomorrow to come. Don't want Carol to have to work full time.

I am sipping on whiskey that I shouldn't be sipping.

I am broken and I am broken and I am broken.

Imagine how Carol feels.

A very bittersweet birthday. Don't know the significance of it, don't know if it is even worth recognizing.

I wonder why Carol is the one to go through this shit. Why not me?

I am the one who has lived a reckless life. I should pay. Not Carol.

And I am convinced my time is coming. There will be a reckoning.

I hope that when that happens, she does not have to deal with it.

She does not deserve that.

Strange birthday this year.

No clue what any of this means.