More Than A Sigh

Sirius XM has become the church in which I worship.

They do special promotional stuff. In December they began a temporary Eagles channel and continued it into January. I have listened to nothing else since I discovered it. No blues, Beatles, Grateful Dead, no nothing.

The Eagles music is introspective and intelligent. It perfectly suits my mood at the moment.

Cool when this happens because I am learning a lot about the Eagles. Hearing songs I never heard before, hearing stories told by band members that open things up to me, learning which other artists influenced them, digging on their commentary about how they write songs.

This happened to me when I discovered The Grateful Dead channel. I used to like them, now I love them. Learned a lot, continue to learn.

Anyway, the Eagles music has synced with my emotions, it has inspired emotional response in me, the lyrics got me thinking about being a human being and all the bizarre things we go through.

Some we learn from, some feed us, some hurt us, some knock us down.

For some reason as I was leaving the house yesterday I grabbed Gregg Allman's final CD and listened to it to and fro from work.

Much about that CD moves me. In fact everything about that CD moves me.

Gregg covered a Grateful Dead song called "Black Muddy River" on this CD. Never heard it before this album. I love it. It rips me apart.

My favorite verse:

"When it seems like the night will last forever, and there's nothing left to do but count the years, when the strings of my heart begin to sever, and stones fall from my eyes instead of tears............

I will walk alone by the black muddy river, and dream me a dream of my own, I will walk alone by the black muddy river, and sing me a song of my own, sing me a song of my own."

I have never felt so alone in my own head since Carol got sick. Alone in the sense that thoughts and emotions fill up the inside of my skull. Continuously.

My perspective has altered drastically and permanently. I am off balance trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out where to go from here and how to get there. 2018 is the most important year of my life, and I do not say that lightly.

Most important in the sense that I feel an enormous responsibility to do the things that will allow Carol to retire. ASAP. I need to do more. Try harder. Give it everything I got.

In other words, I need to step up to the fucking plate.

I have done so to a great extent as far as running the house goes. I take care of everything and that is as it should be.

But there is a lot more on the line than just doing the dishes.

Carol encouraged me to retire a couple of years ago. Honestly I had not given it a thought before then because I figured we could never afford it. But once she said it, it got into my head and I went ahead and did it.

It is now on my shoulders to find a way to return the favor.

I fucking hate watching her go to work every day. Especially on my days off. It is not fair to her.

The alarm went off this morning at 6:00. Carol shut it off and sighed. I was awake.

That sigh broke my heart.

I keep this all in my head (until now). The Eagles and Gregg Allman provide emotional release for me. Just me and them in the car seeking understanding; understanding of this fucking life we lead, so unpredictable, often unfulfilling and cruel.

So short.

Carol's troubles have forced me to look hard at myself.

I have always been my own harshest critic anyway, typically in a negative way.

I can't afford that now.

These words sound so hollow to me.

Intentions are bullshit.