Never Be The Same

Another December four years down the road and it never gets any easier.

Been four years since Sarge and Jonathan died - December 16th and 17th. That deeply painful time scooped a chunk out of my soul that has never been refilled. And never will be.

It was mind blowing to discover how hard you can hurt. Carol and I spent a few days driving back and forth from Maine to Massachusetts to wakes and celebrations of life. Drowning in tears - our own, and those of every family member and friend who was devastated by these deaths.

I drove down to spend a night with my brother. When I first got there and got out of my car we hugged in the parking lot. And sobbed. I think it was in the parking lot. Could have been his apartment. I don't trust my memory through that painful fog.

When he called me on the morning of Jonathan's death he said "I lost my boy." Broke my heart. Broke my fucking heart.

I remember crying in Cori's arms. She said to me "He was the love of my life. What am I going to do?"Broke my heart. Broke my fucking heart.

In both cases I felt powerless to in any way ease the pain. That is just the way it works.

Early on, life gives you things. A spouse, kids, a house, jobs. A purpose. Later on life begins to take things away from you. Family members, friends, your health.

The more life takes away, the more precious what or who remains becomes.

I am not sure that lesson sunk in four years ago. Or since. I am wrapped up in myself and am a bit myopic as a result.

Until Carol got sick. That opened my eyes and my heart wide.

These things hurt. They rip you up. People will tell you it's a part of life, which is true. I don't need cold-hearted cliches to explain away my pain.

It hurts. It all fucking hurts. Period.

I miss Sarge, I miss Jonathan, I miss Kevin (who died in March of 2015), I curse the days my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and a brain tumor.

I get by because I have sons who love me. And Carol who loves me. And family members and friends who love me.

That's it. That's what it is all about.

This time of year will never be the same.