Life

Here's how life works.

Carol is being rewarded for living a life in sync with who she really is. Sucks that she was forced into part time work before she planned on it, but she has the entire month of October off and then goes back to work on 10/29, working a job that she likes from 10 to 2 every day for excellent pay.

She is happy.

I am being punished for living a life completely out of sync with who I really am. Working two part time jobs, working six days a week including Friday and Saturday nights. I am perpetually exhausted. There is no recovering from a schedule like that.

Life will not leave you alone. If you make mistakes, if you take your eye off the ball, you are not allowed to just keep your head down and slink quietly towards the grave.  There is a price to pay. Life will crush you. It will taunt you. It will punish you.

Strangely, and in apparent contrast to my words, I am strangely numb to all this. I am not furious. I get up, I go to work, I come home. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Part of that is assuagement of guilt. Ever since Carol got sick I have felt guilt. She beat the shit out of cancer and kept working full time. While I would often work 2 days a week. I did not enjoy one day of "semi-retirement" after Carol got sick.

So at least right now I am pumping our coffers full of cash in self defense against aging and loss.

The voice in my head says "This needs to be leading towards something. I cannot keep this up for years and years." For perhaps the first time in my life I am thinking ahead.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Anyway the message is - be careful of life. It is not your friend.