Concessions

I have made every concession I can possibly make regarding one of my Big Hatreds.

Cold.

I hate cold, I fucking hate being cold.

In 2019 spring bled into summer, summer bled into fall. Recently it got cold. None of this bothered me. Truthfully. Did not think about it.

I won't say for the first time in my life but, for the first time in a very long time, I did not torture my soul in anguish.

Typically when the good weather rolls around I start counting the days until cold. As a result I don't enjoy the warmth the way I should. The way my soul craves.

This year I made my way through spring and summer and fall peaceably. And it slowed time down. I was amazed. Everything moved slower and I truly dug it.

I walked out to grab Carol's paper the other day, it was around 25 degrees, and my brain did not react. I was stunned. I laughed at myself.

But there is one concession I cannot make.

Snow. I cannot accept it. I will never accept it. The other day as I sat preparing to go to work I kept looking at the snow falling. My spirits sank. I was depressed. I was angry.

Accumulation was negligible. Took me one minute to brush my car off. But I was fucking pissed.

My theory is that life is hard, very fucking hard, and choosing to live in a place that makes life harder is sheer stupidity. Which, of course, is why I have spent my entire life in New England.

A job is an intrusion. It is an insult to my life. It takes me away from reality, so my approach is to minimize the time it steals from me. Leave for work as late as possible, get home as soon as possible.

Unless it snows.

Then I have to get up earlier, I have to shovel, I have to brush and scrape. I have to give up even more of my precious life in order to get to work on time. Get to work on time. I hate the concept of it, the reality of it.

I have to leave extra drive time because traffic will be slow. I will get home later because traffic will be slow.

All because of snow.

Cold does not slow me down. Snow destroys me.

I fantasize about killing someone. I believe if you kill someone who deserves it, who you truly hate and has done you wrong, someone who deserves to die, it must be cathartic.

Generally, I am not capable of that level of violence.

But if it ever happens it will be on a snowy day.