You'll Never Believe What Happened

Carol and I have to replace the screen door on our porch.

I pushed it as far as I could as a responsible homeowner. My approach as homeowner is to ignore everything and let it run down to absolute destruction. Absolute zero. And then let it go a little more.

The screen door made the cut. It was so bad that the outside frame split in one spot. We had to open and close the door delicately so the door wouldn't completely fall apart. Sometimes we had to line up the top of the door with the bottom so it wouldn't sag.

So we motor in to Home Depot yesterday and pick up a new door. A rather nice one, I must say.

Right off the bat I gotta say I was already irritated. Anytime I walk into Home Depot or Lowes or a hardware store, there is an excellent chance I will have a stroke and die. I fucking hate those places and am exceptionally uncomfortable inside them. I avoid them like the plague.

I ain't no fucking handyman.

Got the door out to my car and the fucker wouldn't fit. I had pulled the back seats down without noticing that the opening was limited - it did not span the full width of the car.

We played with it for a few minutes until I angrily decided we would return the goddamn thing and figure out another approach. I was fucking furious. The non-handyman curse strikes again.

Along comes a stranger. "Doesn't fit, huh?" No condescension, which immediately made me suspicious. He took a shot at getting it into the car and then said "Give me a second." Went back to his vehicle and came back with one of those straps. Not a bungee cord; a strap. You know, with the hook on the end and all that. A workingman's strap.

We slide the door in as far as it would go and he proceeded to strap the trunk down and wrap it tight to the door, tying it underneath my car. Said "That is not going anywhere."

I thanked him profusely and asked him how to get the strap back to him. He said "Keep it. I got a million of them." As he walked away he said "Merry Christmas."

We drove home without incident. If he hadn't showed up, the door would be back inside Home Depot.

This incident really fucked up my hard line view of humanity as a bunch of useless assholes to be avoided at all cost.

I really hate dealing with people. Socializing I can do because I am a fun guy and a good actor. But dealing with people fucks me up. I don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to answer their questions or ask them questions or deal with their opinions. In stores, in restaurants, in public. Anywhere.

I want to sit in the dark with whiskey and music and dream of alone-world.

And then this guy shows up so nice , so helpful, no condescension and unselfishly helps us out.

I don't think I would have done it. The only thing I would consider is if I saw someone unconscious on the ground. I would walk over, steal their wallet and then help them.

He really blew me away. Made me feel good. There really are good people in the world.

Not many, though.

By the way, don't worry. I am not installing the fucking door. Carol found a local dude to do the job.

I ain't no fucking handyman.