And So It's December (and what have you done?)

Today is December 1.

I let a lot of things slide in 2019. But when December rolls around I get reflective.

Carol and I have been on a bit of an emotional roll since 2016. Somewhat tumultuous.

I semi-retired in 2016. Turned out to be meaningless.

I was diagnosed with melanoma in 2016. Had a chunk of skin removed from my back, a snip off the tip of my nose. The back operation was more involved, obviously, but kind of fun because the surgeon was a hot shit. Played blues on the radio at my request and then proceeded to talk blues with me as he hacked away. Again, compared to what was to come in our lives, my problems turned out to be meaningless.

In 2017 Carol was diagnosed with breast cancer; a tumor was discovered in her brain. She had a mastectomy in September (Labor Day weekend), the tumor removed on November 2. She fought back like a motherfucker.

2018 was a blur. A strangely nothing year. A rebound and deal with this shit year.

In 2019, Carol's job was cut from full to part time. We had to deal with switching over from regular insurance to Medicare. Dealing with Social Security and NH Retirement Fund for Carol. Lots of questions, many decisions. Stressful.

I grabbed a second part time job to try to make our lives a little better. I am tired and stressed.

Today is December 1. I am wondering what 2020 will bring. I feel we have a responsibility to do whatever is within our control to make our lives better. We don't have a lot of time left, and we deserve as much happiness and comfort as we can possibly maneuver.

Selling the house is a number one priority in 2020. That is the single most meaningful thing we can do to knock some pressure off our shoulders. Sell the house, buy a mobile home outright - no mortgage.

The two job thing on my part is designed to make that possible. Make as many repairs to the house as we can afford so potential buyers will be dazzled into offering us one million dollars.

Beyond that I don't know. We like to believe if we sell and buy we will eliminate the need to work. I am not sure about that, but I am willing to believe that, or at least hope for it. My strongest wish is to end my life in dignity and pride. Working two part time demeaning jobs does not fit into that equation.

Carol turned 66 in November. I will be 66 on January 1. Those are big numbers. Intimidating.

2016. 2017. 2018. 2019. Roller coaster ride. Unbalanced. Fear filled, stress filled, less than ideal.

2020. Reaching for hope. Reaching for happiness. Reaching for peace.

We shall see.