A heavy load was lifted up off of me a few months ago.
As a result, dark thoughts were exorcised from my brain. Gone. Just like that. Thoughts that had festered and poisoned me for decades. Truthfully, for the vast majority of my adult life. Assuming I ever had an adult life. The handcuffs, choke collar, and leg shackles were removed; I started staggering around uncertainly.
A different man was left behind.
Since then I have been trying to fill the void with heaping helpings of me. Trying on various personalities. I am forced to do this because I have no clue who I really am. The simplest solution, of course, would be for my real self to step forward to shock the world. But he doesn't exist. Not just yet.
I made an ass of myself at the family Christmas gathering because I was juggling personalities. Sidelong glances abounded.
Last week we attended the baby shower for our soon to be born grandson. The women did the shower thing, the men retired to a local bar. Where I made an ass of myself. Because I tried too hard to be whoever I thought I was.
Started the new job this week. More torture. A new beginning - I want my co-workers to know the real me - no more Pacino - but I struggled with it. I checked in, I checked out. Over four days I'd say I batted .500. Two good days, two bad days.
Old habits die hard. All of my learned responses, my misguided emotions, my rehearsed reactions - man, they are powerful and overwhelming. I gotta beat them back with a stick.
It seems I need something to obsess about. I have been handed happiness on a plate, yet my mind slithers around like a fucking snake, writhing around the happiness warily.
This is the inevitable conclusion. My life's denouement. Denouement is defined as the final part of a play, movie, or narrative, in which the strands of the plot are drawn together and matters are explained or resolved. That's where I am at.
Resolving the mystery of me after all these years. I suppose I should be grateful for the opportunity. The forward motion. It's quite possible in different circumstances that this moment would never have come.
One thing the new guy - me - has on his side is optimism. Bringing a new weapon to the fight.
And so it goes, as you well know.
On and on and on........................
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