Suicide (Christmas Is Over)

Took the decorations down today.

Always a melancholy event.

There is something inexplicable about the lights. Soothing. Inspiration for reflection. Gazing, thinking, evaluating, appreciating. Or just vegging out, shutting thoughts down.

I wasn't into Christmas as much as I thought I would be. 

The Jackson effect is powerful; the mere fact that he is around instigated many smiles as I lounged in the recliner. Christmas Eve and Christmas day were excellent, exactly what my soul needed. But generally, my mind managed to sabotage the good feelings when I was alone with my thoughts.

The bloom is off the rose.

Been here 14 months and change. Reality sunk its claws into me recently and my tortured mind is casting about for solutions.

Gotta deal with a vicious landlord who wants to destroy our lives. So there's that. And I gotta dig up bagfuls of money if I ever hope to experience peace of mind. I really would like to retire, you know.

So........................I'm thinking and plotting and planning, and the responsibility of it all, the reality of it all, is stripping the flesh from my bones.

There's time. Got a chunk of change in the bank, so a horrific ending is not imminent. But it will be if I don't stumble upon answers.

But, what the fuck, you don't want to hear about this and I don't want to talk about it.

Went to Christmas Eve service in Craig's church with Jackson, Amanda, Craig, and Carol. I enjoyed it. There's something about being in a church that soothes me deeply, even as a lifelong sinner. Got me some peace that night.

New Year's Eve in Nashville (NO - I wasn't there, but I sure as hell wish I was), Jelly Roll singing Need A Favor.

"I only talk to God when I need a favor, and I only pray when I ain't got a prayer, so, who the hell am I, who the hell am I, to expect a Savior, oh, if I only talk to God when I need a favor?"

I don't pray, but there is a space in my soul that longs to be saved, for my problems to be solved - I don't want to fight anymore, I want my life to caress me lovingly instead of prompting me relentlessly to come up with solutions.

I want smooth. I want tranquility. I want no worries.

But I got no right to ask for that. 

So I'll keep my fists up and hope I can take off the gloves someday before I hit the canvas. I am tired, been that way for a long time, but the past 14 months gave me a taste of joy.

It was delicious.

I want more.