The Worst Way

I have never been my biggest fan, but I have never felt smaller than I do right now.

We have a small amount of money in the bank, in savings. It is small, but I never thought of it as the end of the world. I figured with that, and me working part time, Carol's retirement money, and social security, and the ever present hope that I will find myself and capitalize on that discovery, that we would get through.

We had friends over for dinner recently. Paul told us they have lost $130,000 from his retirement fund since the dicktator began destroying the economy. $130,000. Obviously very upset. VERY. But he didn't say it as if their lives were over. So I got the impression they still have a chunk of change left over.

These are not rich people. Paul worked for the post office for 30 years, and took advantage of the Thrift Savings Plan, which is a retirement savings and investment plan for federal employees, similar to a 401K.

That's when it hit me, just how perilous my and Carol's existence is. What we have in the bank is the end of the world. It's nothing. Especially under a dictatorship.

It really drove home just how badly I have misplayed my life. I am comatose today, drowning in depression, non-functional, thinking about what I could have done and should have done.

I work a part time job in the local library. putintrump eviscerated the Institute of Museum and Library Services, which is an independent federal agency that supports libraries and museums in all 50 states. The impact is expected to be massive, and libraries throughout NH are in a panic. There is a high probability that I will lose my job.

Social security is going to take a hit, or be eliminated completely. Social security makes up 58% of my and Carol's income. Even if I keep the library job, we cannot survive. If I lose the library job, and the dicktator kills social security, our income will be reduced by 78%.

I am not stupid. I have not rolled over. I am actively looking for full time employment. Been attacking it for a few weeks now. Something will come along. But I am angry and sad that this is how my life will end. Destroyed by a man who is callously introducing enormous suffering into the lives of the most vulnerable people. I think he actually enjoys it.

I was never built for responsibility. Never built to take care of a family. I stumbled through it all with blinders on, never planning ahead, never even thinking about what my life would be like in 2025.

And now I'm running scared.

The rest of my life will be a vicious thing. Painful. Physically and emotionally. With no hope and limited joy.

The absolute worst way to approach death.