Under Any Circumstance

I need resolution.

Now. Right fucking now. I have not beaten back The Beast.

I cannot read in peace, I cannot watch movies in peace, I cannot find peace in peace, I cannot fucking relax under any circumstance. Because I have no solution to the Armageddon that will crush me if I don't fucking DO something.

Anxiety and worry are eating my internal organs, I'm bleeding from every orifice, the pain in my heart threatens to stop it's beating. Despite attempts to control it, I burst out in maniacal rants and my head fucking explodes. Every new twist of autocracy sets me off the rails. Because I am so fucking vulnerable.

There are millions like me in the same position but many of them, a large majority, is my guess, don't know how fucking fragile their existence is. And they won't know it until everything comes crashing down and their lives become an over-sized and steaming bowl of shit. And then they will cry out in agony and disbelief.

I am trying to avoid that. I am acting proactively to protect me and Carol. But I will have no peace until I get results. Until I have income coming in large enough to make up for the loss of social security, should that happen.

I'm trying people, I really am fucking trying.

What do you think? Should I rush out to McDonald's and apply for a job to procure immediate employment? Get some sort of cash flow coming in?  Or should I hold out for dignity, waiting to bag that dream job that pays $50/hour? What do you think? Well, what do you think? Should I sell fucking drugs? Are there any illegal activities that are 100% safe with a guaranteed payback of $1 million? Gotta be, right? You never know.

How do you break a worrier of this self-destructive habit, and remake him into a flaming wrecking ball of I don't give a fuck? Running over everyone in his path, spitting in the face of assholes, taking monumental risks for monumental rewards, and doing it all with complete peace of mind and serene, supreme confidence.

I am looking out my window at buds about to bloom. A beautiful, bucolic vision suggestive of peace. Soon the buds will burst into an exquisite reality and my senses will overload in reverence of the fragile delicacy of life.

Still, my guts are swimming in acid, causing me torment as they are burned to ash. 

I need resolution, my friends, I fucking need resolution.