Sunday, December 31, 2017

December 31, 2017.

December 31. The pulse quickens.

Maybe, maybe not.

Always feels that way to me. My pulse quickens. My thoughts run deep. Anticipation overwhelms me.

Now that we are older and not caught up in craziness, if we are not working on New Year's Eve day (like today), it feels like we are just hanging around waiting for midnight.

Not exciting, not fun.

We started today off well. Met Jason and Karen for breakfast at 9:00. Good conversation, some laughter, great friendship. Felt really good.

Got THE PATS at 1:00. Today feels like it will roll us comfortably right into 2018. I like it.

I hope Carol is able to stay up until midnight. I don't want to bring the new year in alone. It means too much to us this year.

Lots of people gearing up for a good drunk tonight. I got no problem with that. Anything you gotta do to escape reality for a few hours is vital to your survival.

However I always felt that new year's eve madness is a strange mix of hope and hopelessness.

Everybody wants a new life in a new year. Everybody wants change. Everybody wants a better life. Everybody knows nothing will change. That on December 31, 2018 they will be in the exact same place they are in right now.

January 2 is the cruelest day of the year. January 2 is the day everything returns to "normal".

And normal hurts. Normal sucks.

In one way everything will stay the same for Carol and me as of January 2. The best, the very fucking best thing that could happen, would be that Carol wakes up fully healed on that day. 100% back to normal.

That is not going to happen.

She will continue to struggle. I will continue to shed tears.

But in another way, I know Carol will continue to fight like the warrior that she is. I know she will be fully healed this year and she will have her health back and I will have my wife back.

I also know that I am committed to doing everything in my power to make our life better. Fully fucking, seriously, dedicated and committed.

This is on my shoulders.

So 2018 will be different in that way. Different in that Carol will emerge victorious against the fucking evil things that have knocked her down. Different in that I am going to make happiness happen.

So bring on 2018. Bring on January 2.

Never had a more meaningful new year than this one. That says a lot considering the fact that Jonathan and Sarge died at the end of 2014. 2015 meant something too. And then, unfortunately, Kevin died in March of 2015. You never fucking know what life is going to slap you around with.

But hard as it is to say, this year it is even more personal.

Carol and I are united in our tenacious commitment to making 2018 a good year.

"Fairytale Of New York". The Pogues. Got some lines in there that mean something to me.

"Got on a lucky one, came in at eighteen to one, I've got a feeling this year's for me and you.............I can see a better time when all our dreams come true."

Typical delusional bullshit that we all wallow in. Yeah, things are going to get better. But, in a way, I feel like Carol and I could really make that happen.

Why not? Is there some immutable fucking law of karma that says you can't go from the worst year of your life to the best year of your life?

We are going to give it one hell of a shot.

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