Good Night's Sleep My Ass

Nobody who earns under $100,000 a year sleeps well.

Law of nature.

I haven't had a good night's sleep in 30 years. I go to bed tired, I wake up tired.

Me and every other person I know as well as 98% of the people I don't know.

Jesus Christ - take a look around. Look at the bags under the eyes, the yawning, the short tempers.

Sleep is a fucking joke. And the sleep industry whips us all up into a frenzy. Sleep is a "thing" now.

Gotta get a good night's sleep if you want even a chance to live beyond the age of 30. You cannot succeed in life without a good night's sleep. Sleeping well brings you closer to God.

And the fucking mattresses. Holy shit. You gotta finance your mattress purchases these days.

Carol and I slept on the same piece of shit mattress for 25 or 30 years. I slept like shit. We went out and bought one of those magical, mystical memory foam mattresses for about $100,000. I believe we are making payments on the fucking thing.

The only memory our memory foam mattress has is the memory of me lying awake every night.

I still sleep like shit.

Then you get desperate, right? Bring on the alcohol, baby. The booze kills your pain and helps to keep you docile so you just keep on plodding along in life "earning a living". And you tell yourself that it helps you sleep.

Which any drinker knows is bullshit. You definitely fall asleep quickly, but you eventually and always wake up at 3:00 am when the booze wears off and your fears come flooding back.

You get up and take a piss, crawl back into bed and proceed to lie awake until 5:45. The alarm goes off at 6:00.

I know. I tried that approach for about 40 years. I don't even drink that much any more and I still sleep like shit. There is no justice. Jesus hates me.

You work your ass off and pray you will live long enough to be able to "afford to retire" (another phrase that should be stricken from the English language, along with the word "weekend" - these are no longer really a thing).

Your best friend says "Hey Joe - you are 72 years old. Why the fuck don't you retire?"

And you respond "I can't. Gotta pay for my mattress."

I don't know, man. There is a large slice of society that is cut off from real people. People who preach the benefits of a good night's sleep, people who ride their fucking Peloton, people who eat kale, and take black elderberry to strengthen their immune systems.

Who the fuck are these people? These people who are completely divorced from reality?

They are the fucking devil, man.

And they are coming after your soul.