Oh Yeah- THAT'S Why I Never Watch The NFL Draft

Jesus Christ it was boring.

The first round is full of guys who know they are going to get drafted - and drafted high up. So there is no excitement at all. They expect it. There is an air of entitlement about them. Their name gets called, they put on a hat and walk calmly up to the stage.

I got somewhat sucked into the "the Cardinals might not go with Kyler Murray for the first pick" bullshit, so I waited with muted interest until, of course, the Cardinals DID go with Kyler Murray. After weeks of speculation and hype.

I also got sucked into to the "the Raiders might just do something crazy with the fourth pick" bullshit, which of course they didn't. Unless I am less knowledgeable about football than I think.

I stuck it out through about 6 or 8 first round picks. The Bruins were playing that night, but I stuck to my commitment to focus on the draft. Until I didn't. It wasn't long before I started switching back and forth, and even less time before I committed fully to the Bruins.

There was one cool moment. Christian Wilkins was picked by Miami as the 13th overall pick (I must of caught this during a Bruins intermission, for those of you who are diseased fact checkers). When he got on stage he jumped up in the air to body bump Goodell, who looked genuinely scared.

Delightful.

Goodell hugs each player and whispers into their ear for a few seconds. I imagine he is saying "OK - I own you now, motherfucker. If you give me any trouble at all, make my job harder in any way, I will kill your mother and eat your pets. Good luck and welcome to the NFL."

Dwayne Haskins pissed me off. QB from Ohio State, thought he was going to the Giants with the 6th pick. They skipped him. He ended up going to the Redskins as the 15th pick.

When they announced the pick he had a sarcastic look on his face. When asked the inevitably stupid question of "how does it feel" he said: "To be honest I'm more motivated now than ever. There's a bigger chip on my shoulder. The NFL done messed up."

What an asshole. You just got drafted into the NFL, the realization of a dream you have had all your life and you're putting out attitude? Reminds me of fucking Eli Manning, who got drafted by the Chargers, who he said all along he would refuse to play for, and ended up being traded to the Giants.

Then the prick went on to get two rings - AT THE EXPENSE OF THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS! I sincerely wish he had crashed and burned. Flamed out of the NFL after 2 and 1/2 games. But life doesn't work that way - assholes get rewarded. Just look to the White House for proof.

The later rounds are the fun ones. Those are the guys who are pretty sure they're getting drafted, but not 100% sure. A lot of them, when their name gets called, cry, clap, jump up and down, celebrate with family - you know, act the way a grateful person acts when they win the lottery.

Of course I didn't see any of that. The first round burned my eyes out of their sockets. Couldn't watch no more.

So next year, maybe, if I have absolutely nothing else to do, I might look in on rounds 2 and 3.

Or I just might chop my right pinkie finger off and feed it to my cats.