This Year Is Different

 Last year when Carol was away was pure bliss.

I took the week off from work, watched the US Open non-stop, ate well, exercised, kicked off the football season, had a drink or two.

Pure escapism which I deserved, and indulged in with abandon.

This year I am doing the same except for adding the caveat that I must also find a way to save my life. Turns out that has been a mistake. It has poisoned my fun as I obsess about a jailbreak from work and unhappiness. With each passing day, panic increases as I realize I am no closer to dignity.

Buzzkill.

Ironically I have simultaneously immersed myself in Buddhism this week.

I have dabbled in Buddhism over the years and discovered that you cannot dabble in Buddhism. You can't sip a little whiskey, watch a little football, then go upstairs and read a little Buddhism.

I am reading two books this week. No-Nonsense Buddhism For Beginners: Clear Answers To Burning Questions About Core Buddhist Teachings by Noah Rasheta. I wanted to start from scratch, and this book does a great job of easing you into this fascinating discipline.

And One Breath At A Time: Buddhism and The Twelve Steps by Kevin Griffin. I spent an afternoon sitting on the porch of my friend Jim's house last week - an old high school buddy. It was a beautiful day, and his property and home are in a beautiful, peaceful spot. We talked. A lot. For 3 hours.

Jim is an alcoholic and has been alcohol free for 28 years. AA led him to Buddhism as he searched for solutions to life and addictions. He recommended the One Breath book to me because both AA and Buddhism offer amazing insights and disciplines into taking control of your life - this book (written by an alcoholic and practicing Buddhist) melds the two approaches.

In other words, I have read nothing but Buddhsim in complete silence for many hours this week.

And thank god for that. If not I would probably shoot myself for semi-ruining my vacation. The reading has taken a little of the edge off of self-hatred and despair, and tweaked the perspective a little away from end-of-the-world hopelessness.

Next year, count on a full blooded return to pure escapism.

Nobody knows better than me that I need a vacation from my mind if I am to stay away from the asylum.