No Answers

 "And whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should." Desiderata.

It's inspiring, comforting, but a tough nut to swallow. Really? Is this life you're "living" actually unfolding as it should? How can that fucking be?

We fool ourselves. "I'm living my best life." Nope. Not a chance. That's marketing. That's all that is. You hear the phrase and you adopt it because it makes you feel better about yourself. Even though you know you are pissing your life away.

You are accepting where you are in life as your best effort. Which of course is bullshit. Few of us give life our best effort. Which is bizarre because we all know how this story ends. Every single time. Prematurely or not. You are going down, motherfucker.

I love Desiderata. It's one of my go-to's. I use it to toughen up when I have to walk into a building of torment to do a job. But I have been questioning the wisdom lately.

It's entirely possible that the phrase - and a million more like it - originate from a place designed to numb you to the viciousness of life.

I have been numbed by good fortune lately. I decided forty years ago that life was set up to drive razor blades up my ass. Suddenly, the sun shined. And I did not have the tools to respond. I staggered around like Bukowski in a skid row bar at 2:15 a.m. until gratitude kicked in and I righted the ship. Sort of.

Took a look around - clarity got blurred around the edges. The ship was no longer righted.

I want to believe my universe is unfolding as it should. Because I have little time left, and I require comfort. Good fortune came upon me unannounced and unanticipated. I got dizzy.

The major decisions I have made in my life were poor, and they dumped me on the doorstep of "and whether or not is is clear to you".....................

Should I believe that? Or take a hatchet to its throat?

The crossroads of life. A million times over. Take action, or repose in benign acceptance.

50% of my life is outlandish to me. Which is an improvement. Used to be 98%. Still, 50% is unsettling.

I so want to let go and let the rest of my life wash over me in trust and confidence.

I also want to buy a flamethrower and lay waste to all who attempt to poison and destroy me.

I am not alone. Many of us are driven off-track, uncomfortable, lost and unaware, wondering in tortured thought "How did I get here?"

No one can help you. There are no universal answers. 

You gotta figure it out for yourself.