If Only

"How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes"

 From Shakespeare, As You Like It

My shrink needs a sledgehammer if he is ever to break through my twisted thought processes.

I am bitter. I often look into happiness through Ed's, Phil's or Dave's eyes. Actually, I obsess about it. Because these are three major people in my life. Important people to me. They are all successful financially, and that kind of success, that level of security, is something I don't have. So I worry about it, stress about it, and regret the underachievement that is my life. 

Talking to the shrink about this, about how I feel like a lesser man around these three. He asks - "Have they ever said anything to make you feel inferior?" My answer - "No." He asks - "Have you ever picked up on a vibe that they look down on you?" My answer - "No. Definitely not." I say "I just don't understand why they even spend any time with me." He says "Did it ever occur to you that they like or love you simply for who you are?"

I tell him I am eternally uncomfortable around Carol because I know if I had achieved more in my life, her life would be more comfortable. I don't understand how she could possibly still love me, after 47 years of me letting her down financially. He asks "Does she ever complain about her life with you?" My answer - "No. Never." He asks - "Is she happy or unhappy with her life?" My answer - "She is happy." He says "Did it ever occur to you that she loves you simply for who you are?"

I tell him I would have been a better father to my sons if I was proud of my own life, if I had been happy through and through. He asks "Have your sons ever told you they were disappointed in the type of father you were or are?" My answer - "No. Never." He asks "Have you ever picked up on a vibe that they don't love and respect you?" My answer - "No. Definitely not." He says "Did it ever occur to you that they love you simply for who you are?"

It feels like there is a common thread running through our conversations, a warped perspective to the way I think. Something a little bit off the mark that is causing me great unhappiness.

If only I could figure out what that is.